Contents
The three phrases you should never say if they entrust you with a concern
Coaching
When a loved one tells us about their problems, we tend to be tempted to say anything to change the subject and avoid the uncomfortable moment, but it can be done better
It is not easy to understand the other in times of pandemic. That “How are you?” that we pronounced by way of greeting a little over a year ago is today an obligatory question whose unpredictable answer we await with a feeling that walks in a diffuse way between fear and hope. The problems of others disturb us, tire us and overwhelm us and we prefer to anesthetize ourselves emotionally by scrolling infinitely on social networks, watching series in a loop or even robbing the fridge. And now he comes to me with his problems! I have enough with mine! ”Says our internal monologue. That is why now when a loved or close person opens up and tells us about their concerns, we do not always react in the best possible way and say anything to make the uncomfortable moment pass and we can change the subject.
One way to respond correctly to that close person who trusts us is to replace the “common places” or “set phrases”, which can be a new slab for them, by expressions of financial, accompaniment, understanding y sweetie, as proposed by Ixi Ávila, Emotional Intelligence coach.
1. “Don’t overdo it, it’s not so bad”
So, instead of saying “don’t overdo it, it’s not that bad. There are people who are worse off than you and don’t complain ”, Ávila proposes that we validate that person’s feelings by seeking to understand them, instead of judging or discrediting them. A phrase that would go in this sense would be: «I understand you, you are not alone. I’m here if you need to talk.
2. “Don’t think about it, relax”
Another tempting phrase that we often say when someone close to us tells us what worries them is to say things like “don’t think about it, relax now.” But faced with this circumstance, the expert raises the following question: «If I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, it will probably be difficult for you to stop visualizing a pink elephant in your mind, right? Well, the same thing happens with worries. It is important to understand that this person is not worrying on purpose and that he is doing the best he can, ”he clarifies. So if you want to support him and offer your sincere help, ask him, “Is there anything I can do for you?” In this way it will be that same person who will tell you what they need. Sometimes we just want to be heard.
3. “Don’t do dramas, let’s go party”
It is also tempting to offer an escape route with phrases like “Don’t be dramatic, tonight we’re going around and you forget.” However, as Ávila recalls, an anxiety problem cannot be solved with a distraction night. What can help that person is feel understood with phrases like: “You can count on me, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, all people need help at some point and that is fine,” he proposes.
How to know if I have emotional intelligence
It is our emotions that send us the signals that indicate that there is something we can improve. Some examples to identify this need are: if you make an impulsive decision and then regret it if you say “yes” when you would like to say “no”, if some goal or dream excites us but we abandon it midway or procrastinate, if we usually easily getting into conflicts that could have been easily avoided and then we feel bad or when we follow habits that we know harm us but we cannot change. As Ixi Ávila recalls, the limiting patterns that are repeated become a great signal that indicates that we need to train emotional intelligence, which is the ability to understand and manage emotions, feelings and relationships. And for this, the first step is always “self-knowledge.”
Accompany, without judgment or advice
A person feels understood and listened to if we accompany him Without judgment and if we ask without predicting. As the emotional intelligence coach explains, empathizing is listen with the five senses. “Sometimes we go ahead and advise, console or lecture without being asked for an opinion and we even avoid silence because we are uncomfortable with the pain of others,” argues Ávila. But in reality it is only about listening because if you really listen, we can know if the best thing is to offer a hug, a few words of encouragement or share a while in silence.
When the equation gets complicated
We have been in a pandemic for almost a year characterized by a lot of uncertainty and that has caused anxiety levels to rise significantly, but our system is not prepared to be in a constant state of alert or anxiety.
The signs of anxiety vary depending on the person. When we feel anxiety, our system goes into survival mode and prioritizes survival over other functions, so when this state is prolonged in time it can trigger physical symptoms (difficulty concentrating, digestion problems, pressure in the chest …) .
The so-called «pandemic fatigue» and other factors specific to this context such as lack of physical contact With other people, confinements or the need for contact with nature can make anxiety management difficult. Even so and despite the circumstances, the expert assures that it is possible to feel better if we educate ourselves emotionally. “The emotions they are contagious, both anxiety and any other emotion and the fact that so many people are feeling emotional fatigue and stress or anxiety make the possibility of acting in the face of the anxiety of our loved ones or relatives a greater challenge, “he explains. In any case, the best option is always, as he reveals, is to ask for professional help to take care of our mental health and that of our loved ones as it deserves.