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Many things in life do not go as we would like, but some take it philosophically, while others get upset and lose their temper. It seems to them that without them everything will be bad and wrong, so you need to intervene, check, suggest. But the fact is that such obsessive participation only annoys others, and sometimes destroys relationships.
Do you really need to keep everything under control? If so, you are not alone.
“I myself suffered from this for many years, and although I still feel the urge to control every little thing, I have found a couple of good ways to help curb these impulses,” writes psychotherapist Sharon Martin.
Before delving into the main topic, let’s figure out what it means to “control everything in the world” and why we behave this way.
Signs of a Control Obsession
- By all means know what, how, when and why happens.
- Plan everything down to the smallest detail and get upset if at least something goes wrong.
- Get hung up on details, even unnecessary and unimportant ones.
- Reject any point of view other than your own.
- Constantly criticize others.
- Try to command everyone and interfere in everything.
- Set unattainable standards.
- Make plans and make decisions solely on your own to do things your way.
- Hate any change (except for those that they themselves initiated).
- Get angry with surprises.
- Worry and get angry when it is not possible to predict the development of the situation, something does not go according to plan, the issue is not resolved as expected, or others make a “bad” choice.
- Don’t trust anyone.
Where does the habit of control come from?
This behavior is most often driven by anxiety and fear. When things get out of control, it’s natural to want to take back power in order to experience peace, happiness, or pleasure. But, of course, we cannot control all people and all situations. Accordingly, our efforts yield nothing.
In fact, controlling behavior usually creates problems in relationships and leads to frustration and stress. Please note that the desire to overly control a partner and other loved ones is also an attempt to establish power over them, which is tantamount to violence.
Control, codependency and perfectionism
The desire for control is a typical sign of codependency. Usually it is the result of upbringing in a family where much was unforeseen, frightening, disturbing. In addition, control is closely related to perfectionism, which also “grows” out of anxieties and fears. Perfectionists value predictability, are risk-averse, and want to make sure they succeed before they even start. They are categorical and anxious, overly demanding and picky about themselves, and often to others.
Some perfectionists only try to control themselves and set an unrealistically high bar for themselves (students who should get a perfect score on every test, people who have problems with binge eating or distorted body image). The latter control only those around them and set an unrealistically high bar for them (they criticize, harass them with remarks). Others do both.
How to stop being in control
Look fear in the face
Since controlling behavior is fueled by fear, we need to figure out what exactly we are afraid of and determine how objective it is. Do you tend to constantly expect disaster and always expect the worst? Consider: What is the likelihood that this “worst” thing will actually happen? We often exaggerate both the consequences of events and the very possibility that they will occur. But sometimes bad things happen, and there’s nothing you can do about it. In this case, it remains to accept the situation, and this is in our power.
Practice acceptance
We all need to accept that you can only control yourself, because this relieves stress and responsibility for ensuring that everything is always perfect. But this is difficult if we are gripped by anxiety and a thirst for control. Be attentive and notice what is happening here and now – this will get rid of obsessive thoughts about the past or the future.
Any mindfulness practice will be useful – meditate or use all the senses to tune in to the current moment. You can just remind yourself that total control doesn’t work. What is in your hands? What is not? What problems does your behavior cause? How else can you deal with your fears? What will help you focus on the present?
Develop Flexibility
Try to notice the moment when black and white thinking once again begins to whisper that only your path is the only true and correct one. As a rule, any task has several ways to solve it. At the same time, only deal with problems that you really can handle. Co-dependent people tend to decide everything and for everyone, which is basically impossible and often leads to unnecessary stress, or even worse, destroys relationships.
In fact, we are quite capable of turning the control function on and off. When we stop controlling others, we begin to believe that they can make reasonable decisions, and if not, this is not our problem. Accepting that not everything is controllable, recognizing that we should not be responsible for someone else’s actions, is important in order to feel happy. Detachment from other people’s problems is not indifference. Empowering people to think and act for themselves is love and trust.
Say mantras
Changing mindsets and behaviors is not easy, it takes effort. We involuntarily want to return to old habits. Mantras will help keep goals in focus: “I don’t need to control everything. I can deal with uncertainty. I can only control myself. My path is not the only path. I respect other people’s choices.” Try one of these mantras or make up your own. Say or write them several times a day to fix them in your mind. Most importantly, try to be as patient with yourself as possible. Change is a process, so don’t ask too much of yourself.