Do not do this! This is exactly what psychotherapists advise. And if the need to tell everything becomes irresistible – how best to behave?
“I had an affair. Does my partner need to know about this? Most psychotherapists answer this question in the negative. “There is no need to create tension over a fleeting story,” says Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. “Recognition always hurts and often destroys relationships.” And psychotherapist Viktor Makarov adds: “Everyone has the right to his own secret garden, where the door is closed to another.” Having confessed, the “guilty” puts himself in the position of a child: he behaved badly and asks for forgiveness. “Remorse, guilt about what happened is the concern of the one who cheated,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “When reporting on his adventures, he acts cruelly, shifting the burden of his guilt onto a partner and refusing to behave as an independent, mature, responsible person.”
This advice, alas, does not take into account the reality that the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan stated: for some of us, the “Superego”, our conscience, is so severe that the need to confess can become overwhelming *. Such people are aware that they risk spoiling everything, that tears and stormy scenes await them – but the need to say is stronger! The challenge for them – and for many of us – is to deal with guilt and reconcile the need to confess and the desire to maintain a satisfying relationship with a long-term partner.
Be silent at all costs?
In our society, extramarital affairs of men are considered completely unacceptable by 30% of respondents, and women – by 46% **. But can lying and silence be considered the best means of maintaining peace in a couple? Of course not. Relations on the side rarely go unnoticed, especially if they last for years or if one connection replaces another. Sooner or later, the partner will have suspicions. “An accidentally discovered betrayal hurts more,” Viktor Makarov believes. – Involuntarily it seems that one feels good about cheating, while the other could remain in the dark for a long time. If the wrong partner himself admitted, this is perceived as evidence that he can no longer live in the situation that he created, and wants to change it.
If adultery is discovered and a crisis has set in, it is no longer possible to evade the answer. “It is important to understand that to desire another does not mean to “deceive” a partner, to infringe on him,” says psychoanalyst Didier Dumas. “Real deception, that is, an ethically erroneous act, begins when a person avoids disturbing questions or lies outright.”
Gender difference
At the heart of male and female infidelity are different mechanisms, our experts say.
“Men are more polygamous by nature, but they are more likely to demand fidelity from their wives,” says sociologist Igor Kon. “Many men cheat not because they fell out of love with their wives or other women seem more attractive to them, but because they see this as a kind of self-affirmation, proof of their masculinity and independence.” “For a man, the desire to satisfy many women is a relic of a childhood fantasy about a strong and invulnerable father’s penis,” adds psychoanalyst Didier Dumas. – Since he (often unconsciously) links his narcissism with the activity of his sexual organ, the increase in the number of partners increases his value in his own eyes and strengthens his self-confidence. The girl, on the other hand, fantasized about the baby from her father, and as an adult, she tends to unconsciously consider any partner as a candidate for the father of her child. This makes her more emotionally involved in casual relationships and makes it harder for her to deal with guilt.
What and how to say
Details should be avoided: “We did something, I felt good …” Most often, even if the partner claims that he is ready to hear anything, he does not need the truth without embellishment: he will suffer more from this, tormented by questions about his erotic attractiveness and painfully compare yourself with another or another. If there was no special agreement between the partners, the requirement to “know everything” may come from a masochistic need to punish oneself: “My partner looks at others because I do not satisfy him, which means I am a nonentity.” In any case, you need to show respect and tact, not allowing yourself too intimate revelations. It is important to explain why this connection (was) needed at a certain point in the couple’s life. Such an adult approach requires a clear understanding of one’s desires and the ability to establish a sincere relationship with a partner.
Sometimes recognition can give a new impetus to an extinguished desire. “This is what happens when revelations overlap with sexual fantasies and expectations of a partner,” continues Didier Dumas. “And a woman, for example, thanks to her husband’s infatuation, realizes her repressed homosexual inclinations, and a man imagines that his unfaithful wife is a thing that he generously lent to another.” In fact, before decisively putting a comma in the phrase “to confess one cannot but confess”, it is important to remember that each couple is unique, because it combines two unique beings with their own fantasies, with their own idea of love and attitude towards sexual rivalry. Therefore, it is impossible to create universal rules of conduct that would be suitable for everyone. Everyone will have to decide for themselves how to behave, depending on the temperament, life values and the degree of closeness with their alter ego.
* Ж. Lacan “Identical Psychoanalysis”. Gnosis, Logos, 2008.
** According to the Levada Center (www.levada.ru), July 2009.