In everyone’s life there are moments of bewilderment and fatigue, when we sincerely cease to understand: is this how we live? Do we need such a life as we have created for ourselves with our own hands? Wouldn’t it be better to change everything and start from scratch? Well, where we are not … We are looking for solutions in the outside world. What if they are inside us?
Here are the words from the letters that dozens of them come to the editorial office and to the Psychologies website every week.
“I have a prestigious job with a full social package and a high salary, a beloved husband who in every sense carries me in his arms, wonderful parents, faithful friends and an institute where I study a subject that interests me. But … I do not experience either joy or disappointment from life. There is no anticipation of any pleasant events, there is nothing – indifference, emptiness. It’s probably stupid to change something, look for something new … What should I do?
Irina, 21 years old
“My life revolves in a vicious circle, like a carousel. Only the people who ride it change. When the attraction closes and I’m left alone, it seems to me that everything important is rushing past. And I’m just an observer from the outside … I understand that most likely I created this circle myself. And it’s scary to give up everything and build a new life … “
Anna, 25 years
Such moments of confusion are familiar to many: dissatisfaction, frustration, thousands of unanswered questions. Should I try to adapt to the situation or is it better to quit? Fight or, on the contrary, wait for insight, when the right choice will declare itself? These bouts of anxiety and indecision are even more intensified when we realize that our life is unique and unique, and we need to live it this way … After all, it is not a dress rehearsal for some other – correct and real.
Selection conditions
Each of us has to thoroughly reconsider our lives at different stages: in adolescence we choose our own path, later – a partner or life partner, and about forty we are confused by the “midlife crisis” … But it seems that it is today that such bouts of doubt overtake more and more of us.
“The very idea that you can find another, more suitable life is literally in the air,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “It becomes a kind of characteristic of the time in which we live.” More and more people are feeling the pressure of the “burden of possible choices” that the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote about: even after getting a good education and a job, many dream of something else… and at the same time they are afraid of destroying everything. Today we know that throughout life everyone has the opportunity to change partners several times – and at the same time we are sorry to part with the idea of eternal love.
Previously, people were born with an almost ready-made biography: family and social environment largely predetermined life
“In the modern world, childhood — a time of discovery — drags on ad infinitum,” says narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornyak. – You can take place at any time, when you want to change everything in life, and therefore we want to try everything! On the other hand, we understand the need not to waste ourselves, to do everything in time, to make a career. These two equal promises of society put pressure on a person from different sides. As a result, some of us can’t make up our minds, while others live with a lingering desire to change their lives, but do not dare to do so.”
Constant dilemmas make it difficult to accept and define the boundaries of their capabilities. As the French psychoanalyst Jacques Aren says, “many are looking for a place in this world, while in it you need to make your own way.”
A few decades ago, people were born with an almost ready-made biography: family and social environment largely predetermined life, and there were few chances to change it.
“And today, in societies where technological progress has not yet reached, life is traditional and predictable: everyone knows at what age initiation will take place, when, according to the law, family life should begin,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. – Soviet society, paradoxically, was also predictable, although it was accessible to progress. People, of course, were waiting for the future, but at the same time they knew exactly what it would be.” A predetermined fate with cultural, social and ideological values set for almost a lifetime was waiting for its fulfillment. Without the possibility of manifestation of one’s “I”, in all its features and uniqueness.
Where are the tumbleweed roots?
They are called by analogy with a plant that the wind carries through the desert. Such people cannot stay in one place for a long time, with one person, at one job. They are often considered infantile, led through life only by impatient children’s “I want!”. But the roots of the problem may also lie in the family history of such a person.
“Among his ancestors there could be refugees: they had to instantly move from their place, just to survive,” explains Ekaterina Zhornyak. – This ability to live without being fixed anywhere, – already unnecessary – can be reproduced in the next generations. And then the person will move, divorce, quit, not allowing himself to have any attachments. Such people seem to be free, although they have only one choice – to continuously refuse something. But even with such a “legacy” one can work.”
Dizzying Possibilities
Today, there are many unexplored paths before everyone. Almost every day, heroes appear in the media who have completely changed their lives and seem to be happy: a professor left the department and succeeded in business, a kindergarten teacher writes bestsellers, someone left everything and went on a trip around the world, someone got married and became a father at 70.
Many stories about miraculous transformations, newly revived desires, newfound freedom. How not to think about how to leave, to run away from everything that constrains, to some other, “true” life! “Today’s world expands our opportunities, but does not give clear rules,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. “And this uncertainty gives rise to additional anxiety: if the choice is too wide, it is much more difficult to choose what you really need.”
It is wrong to think that somewhere there is a ready-made life that is absolutely adequate for you. But it is necessary to change, seek and try
Who has never been visited by the desire to change everything “to the ground, and then …”? But is it necessary to change the place of residence, work, life partner – or is it worth turning your gaze inward? Find yourself the way you never had the courage to be? Is it worth it to fight for your youthful dreams? Or is it more useful to learn to live in the existing reality?
“Our life today is like a supermarket,” says Alexander Orlov. – The variety of occupations, professions, communication fascinates and captivates us. But it is important to understand the internal grounds for the choices we make.”
First of all, we are talking about the desire for internal development, which should be the first step towards concrete and decisive changes. Target? To find a way of life that is right for us – original, unique, consistent with our life values and needs.
“It is wrong to think that somewhere there is a ready-made life that is absolutely adequate for you,” says Alexander Orlov. “But it is necessary to change, seek and try.” Listening to ourselves and consciously moving forward, we acquire the ability to simultaneously realize our deepest desires and the limits of our capabilities, actively and with interest to participate in life, whatever its events, treat others with attention without losing our integrity.
Books on the topic
- Irvin Yalom. Psychotherapeutic stories. Eksmo, 2005.
- Alfried Lenglet. A life filled with meaning. Genesis, 2004.
- John O’Farrell. This is your Life. Phantom Press, 2004.