“The Stubborn Child: How to Set Limits”

In the bad behavior of the child, others tend to blame the parents who raise him “wrongly”, connive with him, spoil him excessively, let him down, do not know how to cope with him. However, parents themselves often tend to blame themselves.

But the most surprising thing is that the same “inept” parents can be quite effective in raising their other child: for some reason, he obeys, willingly responds to requests, follows the rules and agreements, it is easy to find a common language with him. This is exactly what happened to psychologist Robert J. Mackenzie.

Having become a father for the first time, for three years he was convinced that being a parent is easy: the educational process went smoothly. But then his second son was born, and life in the family turned upside down, and there was no trace of his father’s self-confidence.

All the usual pedagogical techniques such as explanations, requests, reminders, persuasion, which worked so well with the eldest son, did not work at all with the younger one. This child was determined to have everything done on his terms. Mackenzie was by that time an experienced psychologist, writing a doctorate in counseling psychology. But in some surprising way, all this knowledge did not help him one iota when dealing with a stubborn one. Forgetting all his principles, Mackenzie lost patience, lost his temper, became angry and threatened, after which he began to be tormented by guilt.

Of course, as a professional, he could not come to terms with his parental helplessness, and in the end, studying the experience of the best teachers, he developed his own system of education, which allows parents to understand their stubborn children, find a common language with them and teach them their rules in the most clear way.

Mackenzie explains his approach in the book The Stubborn Child, which has become a worldwide bestseller. Here are his main ideas.

IT’S ALL ABOUT TEMPERAMENT

Mackenzie claims that stubbornness is a product of temperament. It can also be called an innate style of behavior. Stubborn children have many traits that make them unruly or poorly managed. This style is characteristic of children from the very beginning of their life. The actions of parents, their lifestyle or beliefs do not force children to behave in one way or another. A stubborn child prefers to learn the hard way.

When we deal with such children, conventional parenting methods simply do not work. The most difficult thing is when the temperaments of the parent and child do not match. If the parents themselves are accommodating, cooperative people, it is very difficult for them to identify with a child who has directly opposite temperamental traits. They cannot understand why he does not want to meet them halfway. And the more a child experiences the patience of parents, the more often they use ineffective methods and the more both sides get bogged down in the struggle for power.

But the situation is not hopeless! We cannot change temperament, Mackenzie says, but we can understand it, manage it, and shape it in the right direction.

REVIEW EDUCATIONAL METHODS

For this child, parenting styles such as:

1. Autocratic or punitive (firm, but disrespectful). Parents achieve obedience through fear, threats, and intimidation. Obedient children in this case usually cooperate out of fear. The stubborn often rebel and pay evil for evil.
2. conniving (respectful, but not strict). It is based on the principles of freedom, equality and mutual respect. But it lacks an important component – hard boundaries. Parents who adhere to this style are confident that children will cooperate when they understand what is right in a given situation. But the child in this case begins to lead, and not obey. Freedom turns into anarchy.
3. Mixed (neither firm nor respectful). It is characterized by inconsistency: it combines the worst features of the first two methods as the parent goes from one extreme to another.

Only works with stubborn children democratic approach, firm and respectful. He proceeds from the belief that the child is capable of solving problems on his own, that he should be given a choice and allowed to learn from this choice. Children are given only as much power and control as they can use responsibly.

BORDERS ARE ONLY RIGID

Flexible boundaries – when “no” means “yes”, “sometimes”, “maybe” – these are rules in theory, not in practice. Children, and especially stubborn ones, they provoke to checks and resistance. They are trying to find out what we really expect and demand from them.

Rigid boundaries, where “no” means “no”, is the best guarantee of cooperation with such children. They are highly effective because they reflect the seriousness of our intentions, and they are exactly what children need. The child tests them less, knowing that obedience is expected and obligatory.

HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHT CLEARLY

Ineffective message: “If I see you jumping down the hill again, I will get angry!”

What does the child hear? That the mother is angry and angry even more. He does not see any other consequences for himself and continues to do what he is forbidden to do.

Powerful message: “If you jump again, you’ll have to find something else to do.” The focus is not on relationships or feelings, but on the consequences. The child is told what they want from him, and what will happen if he does not do this. We don’t shame, we don’t blame, we don’t shout. Speak in a clear, firm and respectful manner.

The tone of the message is also very important. Anger, exclamations and other strong emotions veil the essence of the message. They talk about the parent losing control. It is at this point that stubborn children realize that the parent is “on the hook” and continue their “exploratory” experiments.

The best way is to make your message in the affirmative and speak it in a casual, everyday tone, indicating that the parent is firmly on his own, in control and confident that the child should comply with his wish. If the child is testing how far he can go, tell him exactly what will happen if he doesn’t obey. It’s not a threat – you’re just providing him with the right information so he can make the right choice: obey.

Do not allow quarrels or “bargaining”. If you take the bait and start arguing or discussing the situation, you are letting the stubborn one know that your rules are negotiable.

Offer your child limited choices. This method gives him the opportunity to choose any solution from a limited number of options offered by the parent. “You can stop making noise right away, or you can spend the next 10 minutes in your room. What you choose?”

In situations that are tinged with anger or resentment, temporarily withdraw from the child using the “Let’s chill” tactic. If both you and your child are upset, say, “I think we both need a little time to cool down. Wait for me in your room (living room, kitchen) and we’ll talk in about five minutes or whatever you need to calm down.”

If only you are upset, say, “I’m very angry, I need some time to cool down.” If you yourself crossed the line – apologize. An apology from a loving adult confirms the child’s right to be human and imperfect and gives him the courage to continue working on himself.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEAR IN ACTION

Stubborn children often need more than just words to make sure certain rules are binding and not dependent on their personal choice and situation. They must experience what you say before they believe it.

The consequences that you warned about must come without fail. If you are inconsistent, then, as it were, you invite the child to test the boundaries for strength.

It is important that the consequences are proportionate to the offense. If the child returned from a walk 20 minutes later, do not promise that now you will not let him go for a walk for three weeks. If a child roller skates without a helmet, it makes no sense to say that he will have to sit in his room for ten minutes.

A good technique is a time-out, a temporary suspension from something pleasant. The timeout usually lasts from 5 to 20 minutes and can be reused. Stubborn children need to collect as much data as possible to make sure that following the rules is mandatory. But this procedure cannot be used before the child is 3 years old.

HOW TO MOTIVATE SUCH A CHILD?

The encouragement that encourages the child to obedience is extremely important. Don’t wait for a special occasion. Whenever children help us, listen to us, or contribute to the common cause, we are given an opportunity to celebrate it. “I love how you deal with this”, “I couldn’t have done it without your help”, “I knew I could count on you” – these and similar phrases have truly magical power.

Children have a natural motivation to learn new skills, and it is very important for them that their successes be recognized by people who are significant to them.

And finally, about pleasant prospects. Stubborn children are children with a strong will. Those qualities that drive us crazy can actually become their strengths. Provided, of course, that we provide them with the understanding and guidance they need to get on the right track.

Source: R. Mackenzie “Stubborn child. How to set the boundaries of what is permitted” (Eksmo, 2018).