The story about us: from merger to freedom

A long-term union, like a living being, goes through different stages of development. “There are always five of them, and they are like stages in the development of a child,” psychologists Allyn Bader and Peter Pearson say.

— Symbiosis (merger of two)

– differentiation (definition of boundaries),

— learning (when everyone’s attention is directed to the outside world)

– establishing a (finally!) mature relationship

— interdependence.

Let’s take a look at each of these stages.

Single whole

The first stage is the stage of crazy love. At this time, we literally merge together, our connection is strong, and the living space is cramped. We exaggerate our similarities and overlook our differences. We like everything and almost do not want to change each other. There is a lot of passion and dedication in our relationship. We look after each other, strive to please the other. We are so good together that no one wants to risk putting forward their demands. We don’t want to appear selfish, greedy, or insensitive.

At this point, attachment develops. If two have the intention of starting a family, the relationship will start on a solid foundation, and in the future it will be possible to move from symbiosis to differentiation. But other options are also possible: it is possible that the partners will remain at the stage of symbiosis, and then, alas, the union will become dysfunctional, non-working.

Whole, but not one?

At the second stage, each of us has to step down from the pedestal on which love has lifted us. Now we look at each other carefully … yes, and critically. We started noticing differences and feel like we don’t want to spend as much time together anymore. We want privacy, more living space for ourselves, we need to move away from our partner a little… We come out of the initial fusion, symbiosis, restore our boundaries and learn that sometimes the two of us feel, think and act differently. Our opinions do not always coincide, and sometimes they completely contradict each other. What is the difficulty? Standing up for ourselves sometimes makes us feel guilty, doubtful, a logical question: “What happened? Why don’t I feel the same feelings? Some couples are unable to maintain a relationship at this stage. Those couples are more likely to stay together where differentiation occurs slowly and gradually, and each of the partners shows restraint and is in no hurry to speak out about similarities or differences. Returning to oneself becomes for some the cause of constant disputes, for others — liberation from illusions.

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We are looking for ourselves

The learning period is what awaits us after our couple has gone through differentiation. Now each of us goes about our lives, work, acts and builds relationships outside of our couple. Everyone’s attention is directed to the outside world. Self-centeredness is the key word of this stage. We value our autonomy and individuality: we recreate ourselves, and it seems much more important for us to develop ourselves than our relationships. Self-esteem, the strength and significance of our personality — that’s what interests us most. At this stage, we are likely to begin to quarrel and conflict more. We run the risk of completely withdrawing into the outside world, taking care of ourselves and forgetting about the other … And if we want to avoid this, then we will start learning again — to maintain an emotional connection, look for the cause of disagreements and negotiate.

Face to face

And so we (again) turn to each other — with interest, expectation, sometimes with a little apprehension, but also with hope … We have already strengthened our individuality and are starting to establish relationships anew. We show mutual care, we expect trust and emotional support from each other. True, periods of great closeness alternate with attempts to restore independence. But any «negotiations» are now not as difficult as before. At this stage, we are less afraid of being consumed by each other. We know ourselves well, we value our individuality, it is easier for us to separate the concepts of “I” and “we” and find a balance between them.

Reciprocity and freedom

We are both confident in our mutual love, actively manifest ourselves in the outside world and develop as independent individuals. We have reconciled our ideas of the ideal with reality. There comes a stage of interdependence — everyone has found himself and respects the other, takes into account his interests. Our relationship is based more on development than on satisfaction of needs. We have a strong bond, and we are glad that we are together.