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The first thing that will help you deal effectively with fights between your children is the «Stop!» rule. I came up with this rule when my sons were 4 and 5 years old, and it sounded like this: “If you are offended, it’s enough for you to say the word “Stop! Rule Stop! ”, and then the offender has no right to touch you with a finger or say a word to you (he cannot call names and blame). You’re protected for five whole minutes! And if the offender does not do this, he will have to deal with the pope!” — The children listened to this with attention, we rehearsed a loud and clear pronunciation of the word «Stop!» and clarified what five minutes is …
If you said “Stop, stop rule!”, You should look at the clock (they are hanging there!) And do not approach each other or talk to each other for 5 minutes. Show me where the arrow should be when we are fighting now and someone said “Stop!”? Fine!
Then I was proud: what a wonderful method of stopping fights I came up with! Today I will clarify — yes, this is an excellent method, but its effect is different: it does not stop fights, but removes complaints about fights.
Practice has shown that children do not use this rule. Namely: children begin to practice the Stop Rule, but after using it a couple of times, they stop referring to it. Why?? Not because it doesn’t work — it works. It’s just that children quickly realize that the rule separates them for as much as 5 minutes, and they don’t want to be 5 minutes without each other! They are ready to cry and quarrel, but for God’s sake! – but at the same time they want to continue playing with each other.
The real result of the «Stop» rule is that children continue to play with each other, but no longer drag their parents into their quarrels. They swear, cry, fight, but dad and mom no longer complain, because they have nothing to answer the question: “Why didn’t you say Stop if you liked to fight with your brother?”
In summary, note to parents: for vigorous and healthy children, fighting is a form of play and entertainment. Parents with experience, having seen a children’s fight (it doesn’t matter if their own and others are fighting), do not always stop it immediately, but transfer it to a fight by the rules. When a fight starts to go under the supervision of an adult, it is already more of a sport: it helps children to release aggression and do without dangerous self-harm.
A magical way to stop children’s quarrels (Ksenia Golubtsova)
I am sure that many people working with children are familiar with the situation: the guys are noisily and cheerfully pushing each other, kicking each other or calling names. At the same time, the faces are happy. But the guys are very fond of complaining to their elders in such situations, they say, why are they offending me? For some time I did not know how to competently respond to such complaints. After all, the child himself participates in this “disgrace”, he likes it (which can be seen even by a person who is far from psychology). It sometimes happens that playful showdowns go far, and jokes / name-calling / pushes are already annoying for someone, but for someone the fun game just continues.
What to do?
N.I. Kozlov invented and described an excellent technique — the “Stop!” Rule. How does it work? All the guys are explained that they have the opportunity to stop and exit the game at any time. If someone says “Stop!” loudly and clearly, then everyone stops, no one has the right to touch a person under any pretext, the guys SILENTLY give him what they took, and for another 5 minutes any contacts are prohibited. The one who used the rule himself also cannot communicate with the «offenders» for 5 minutes. Rule «Stop!» very effective, it helps the guys stop in time + disaccustoms them to involve adults in petty showdowns. It helps educators, teachers and curators to distinguish a game from a fight + in fact, part of the authority regarding conflict resolution is delegated to children.
What have I done and what results have been achieved?
I am a 5th grade curator at a private school. Children are children, the presence of a lot of money from parents does not affect the desire of the children to fight, kick and call names. During the class hour, she explained the new rule to the children in detail, gave illustrative examples and introduced a “fine” for non-compliance (the penalty was a serious conversation with me and the head teacher of the school). At first, the students were very surprised, laughed, and right there, at the lesson, Sasha began to pester Ksyusha. She resisted a little, then looked at me. I don’t react. Ksyusha shouted: “Stop! Stop! Enough!» I look over at Sasha. He immediately calmed down, fell silent, the guys sat on different sides of the class. It became quiet, calm and… boring! After 3 minutes, Ksyusha herself asks: “Has 5 minutes already passed? Can I talk?» Of course, after 5 minutes, Sasha and Ksyusha again merrily grappled. And I didn’t have to pull them apart.
Here are some more interesting situations illustrating the effect of the Stop! rule:
Artyom sticks to Vanya, Vanya endures, resists, is silent. Then the standard sounds: “Tyoma, leave me alone! Got it already! Artyom, continuing to pester: “Say STOP! And I will leave.» Vanya: «Leave me alone!» Artyom laughs and continues. Vanya: «That’s it, stop!» Artyom, pleased with himself, calmly leaves, breaking into a happy smile. Vanya breathes a sigh of relief.
Sasha began to tease Kolya. Kolya instantly reacted: “Stop!”, And Sasha immediately stuck to Alena. Kolya is at a loss, he has already tuned in to fight back for 5 minutes, and then he decided in 3 seconds. Kolya says to me in surprise: “How did you do it?! After all, Sasha constantly sticks to everyone, it’s impossible to fight back … ”I smile in response.
We are on the bus with the guys. Vanya leaned on Sveta, she puffs and complains to me: “Ksenia Anatolyevna, look what he is doing. Well, tell him! I answer: «Sveta, you know the magic word that will solve all problems.» Sveta: “But then we won’t talk for 5 minutes, it’s not interesting …” and adds, smiling: “Why did you introduce a rule for everyone ?! If only girls could use it at will.” I am silent. Sveta sighs dreamily and silently shoves herself away from Vanya. The guys are dissatisfied only with the fact that now there is no one to complain to — now they have officially chosen the game, so they are responsible for it themselves.
Questions from readers
1
Tell me what to do if a child comes up behind another child, gives a strong kick in the ass, and in order not to get hit back, shouts: “Stop.” The second child, of course, is offended. Offended wait 5 minutes, and then also give a kick, and say “stop” in time?
2
Stop rule in games between parents and children
The «Stop» rule is also quite applicable in games between parents and children, its appropriateness is discussed in the article Demian, pool, resentment
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
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