The six-step method of getting out of a toxic dating relationship

The six-step method of getting out of a toxic dating relationship

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Identifying the signs that reveal that our relationship is harmful, expressing discomfort, facing up to doubts and making the decision with full conscience and freedom are some of the keys to the method of clinical psychologist Sara Navarrete

“Life is too short to be in a relationship that hurts us.” This phrase by clinical psychologist Sara Navarrete is the basis of the six-step methodology that she has developed not only to help identify harmful relationships but also to successfully get out of these dynamics, which are more harmful than it may seem at first glance. view. These relationships destroy Self esteem because it affects our abilities and our personality. We stop performing the same, we get into obsessive looping thoughts, anxiety, depressive states and sadness increase due to continuous frustration. Ultimately, the person ceases to be her, loses her essence “, argues the director of the Center for Clinical Psychology

 and Health of Valencia.

Step 1: Heed the toxic signs

Some of the keys to knowing if we are part of a toxic relationship is to detect that we have anxiety and we are not in a calm state. Thoughts like: “why don’t you call me”, “I’m late and I don’t know if he’ll be angry”, “I don’t know where he is”, “he’s going to leave me” …

Another sign is feeling a excessive monitoring and controlIn other words, the fact of feeling controlled and we have to give excessive explanations of everything we do is not a good sign. “With social networks, everything is more complicated, something that is not normal is being normalized. We can be with who we want and where we want without having to give explanations. A healthy relationship is built on trust. One thing is that I want to share our life with the couple and another is that my partner demands explanations from me at all times, ”says Navarrete.

When the other person minimize our problems We are constantly faced with another red flag. “If he does not listen to our concerns and problems, does not give importance to what happens to us or even at some point he tries to make us feel guilty for his problems, it is likely that we are facing a toxic relationship,” clarifies the psychologist.

The fact that our partner is remembering the past all the time or even comparing us with their previous relationships can also be a telling sign.

Step 2: Express what you feel

Our partner must be aware of what happens to us, we must share our feelings with him. As Navarrete explains, no person changes by magic. «People change for two reasons: due to a strong impact, something external that makes them have to change or because they want to and there is a deep desire. To achieve this change it is necessary to communicate what is happening to us, “he says.

Step 3: If there is no reaction, make decisions

Once we have had a dialogue with the couple about what worried us about the relationship, it is time to make a decision if we do not observe that there is a willingness to change. It is true that getting out of that situation is difficult, but as Navarrete proposes, it is important to appreciate that when we decide to take the step we must bear in mind that the reward is greater than the sacrifice. “When we make the decision to leave a relationship we have to move on, regardless of whether we feel sad or miss it. That is going to happen, but we have to be strong, “he highlights.

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Step 4: Face your doubts

Questions such as “What if I’m wrong?” And “What if I’m idealizing a relationship and what I have is not so bad?” Are likely to arise throughout the process. But the psychologist is clear: no, you are not wrong. As he explains, just considering the possibility of leaving our partner is already a clear sign that something is not going well. «A healthy relationship, which fulfills us, does not give rise to such questions or approaches. If we do it, it is because there is something inside us that sends us a message and we must listen to it. 80% of people ignore that inner voice and that leads to having relationships that drag you to unhappiness, ”says Navarrete.

Step 5: Simplify

When you have made the decision remember that you do not have to plan all the steps of the process in a detailed way. You don’t have to look at the long term or ask yourself all the possible scenarios or questions (“how do I do it?”, “What do I say to him?”, “How is he going to react?” and that we make excuses for not taking the step. «It is about learning by doing. By doing so, we will be surprised by the resources that we are getting to face the situation », reveka,

Step 6: change the focus

Look at you. Start thinking about what you want, what you like and what makes you happy. “The more we love each other and the more self-esteem we recover, the easier and more natural it will be for us to get out of that relationship,” concludes the psychologist, who is also the author of the book ‘Increase your self-esteem. The 10 keys you need to change your life ‘.