The infant needs close contact with a significant adult in order to survive — this is one of the theses of classical attachment theory. But the desire for intimacy and the ability to relate develop in subsequent years, says Canadian psychotherapist Gordon Neufeld. Psychologist Olga Pisarik talks about his concept of multi-level attachment.
Intimacy with those who care for us directly affects our survival. Attachment creates a context in which it is easy for an adult to care for a child, and for a child to accept this care.
In addition, it works as a shield against external stress: feeling that he is taken care of, that he is accepted only for the fact that he exists, the child can safely explore his «I», his interests and desires, and become more and more independent.
Neufeld views attachment as any desire for contact and intimacy: physical, emotional, psychological. As we grow older, our brains develop, and our personality matures, so does our ability to build relationships.
If everything happens according to the plan conceived by nature, then in the first six years of life, the child develops the ability to become attached at various levels, through:
1) feelings,
2) imitation,
3) belonging, loyalty,
4) feeling important to others
5) love,
6) the feeling of being known.
Six levels of affection
The first level, from birth, is attachment through feelings.
To survive, an infant needs to be in direct physical contact with an adult who cares for him. If there is no tactile contact, then the child should at least hear, see it, smell it.
In the second year of life, the child develops attachment through «similarity». He begins to imitate those he loves, tries to be like them: in behavior, in intonation, in preferences. Now it is very important for him to be the same as his parents.
By the third year, the ability to bond through belonging and loyalty develops. It is the desire to belong to those who love you and to possess the one you love («my mother»). At this age jealousy appears. Children begin to look for confirmation that they belong to “their” family, “their” clan, or they begin to look outside for someone to belong to.
The levels of attachment listed above are shallow, not overly vulnerable, and may be present in superficial attachments, such as in gangs or peer groups.
By the fourth year of life, the child has a desire to be important, significant for a loved one. He begins to feel that mom and dad are close to those they hold dear. The child wants to please them, becomes softer, more accommodating, seeks their approval, confirmation of his importance to them.
In the fifth year, the child begins to love. He gives you his heart. If earlier he said “I love mom”, imitating others more, now he really LOVES mom, sings songs about love and draws hearts. This is attachment through emotions, a time when the child is physically ready to part with those who are dear to him, without significant damage to his psyche.
And finally, the last level of affection is when dear people know you. The child begins to share his secrets, he wants us to understand him better in order to be closer to us.
Psychological attachment is the deepest level of attachment and the most vulnerable. Not every adult has this experience.
Vulnerability zone
Our attachments are a very vulnerable, unprotected territory. The main sources of emotional pain are separation (or its expectation), shame, and a sense of insecurity.
If a child constantly experiences emotional pain, then his heart begins to harden. Without feeling completely secure, he cannot experience deep affection.
Protective alienation is one of the most common consequences of emotional pain in attachment. When we experience an unbearable level of emotional pain while being close to someone, the brain can “twist” our attachment instincts, and we will resist closeness where we seem to be looking for it. The answer to separation problems can only be an increase in attachment.
The child cannot be «too attached». He may feel insecure about his affection, being superficially attached, but never «too much.» There is no need to be afraid of this.
In the presence of affection, obedience is felt by the child as a natural state and does not humiliate him
If you see that the child does not tolerate separation from you, try to compensate for your absence at the level of those attachments that are available to him.
At the level of feelings — give your photo, things with your smell, record your voice on a voice recorder. At the level of similarity — let both of you have identical things (scarf, cap), or agree on the same ritual, etc. At the level of belonging, fidelity, these may be some secret signs known only to you.
There are a thousand ways, only you can know what works best for your child.
There is a huge difference between the natural strength that attachment gives us and the artificial means of pressure on a child. In the presence of affection, we do not need to flaunt our strength and resources, obedience is felt by the child as a natural state and does not humiliate his dignity. The child does not capitulate, but listens to authority, and we take care of him, and do not assert our power over him.
If everything goes according to the «natural» plan, then the child develops normally, and various levels of attachment allow him to eventually become independent without losing it.
For more information on how to strengthen attachment and responsibly build relationships with a child, see Olga Pisarik’s book “Attachment is a vital connection” (Resource, 2019).