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After dinner, you land on your favorite couch. Your partner is already there – in the same old T-shirt and stretched pants as yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and a week ago. Yes, you look the same. You reach for the remote and are already preparing to argue about whose turn it is to choose a series today, when you suddenly think: this is my life? My relationship? Where is all this heading?
Hasn’t this happened to you? On the one hand, it’s great. But on the other hand, from time to time it is worth analyzing what is happening between you and your loved one. You don’t have to go to a family therapist for this, clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo has developed a simple but effective test for couples.
Try to answer the questions below as honestly as possible. There is no need to rate yourself or make a verdict on the relationship – the test was created only so that you can dig a little deeper and figure out what is happening between you and your partner:
1. How did you spend your evenings this week?
If the week turned out to be atypical, take the last one or any other – four weekday evenings in a row. What did you do right after you finished work (shut the lid of your laptop or came home from the office), and before going to bed, besides cooking, eating dinner and washing the dishes?
Ask yourself if your evenings are not similar to one another, and most importantly, whether it suits you.
2. How much time do you enjoy with your partner?
If you spent the whole evening together and were absolutely happy, that’s fine. But it could also be that you were nearby, but not together, not in contact. Perhaps you were bored or even lonely, or you continued to work in the evenings.
Or maybe you tried to avoid close ones: you went to meetings with friends, poked at your smartphone, or turned on shows that he hates. Are you satisfied with the way you spent time together and apart?
Much more important is not how many hours you were around, but the quality of the time spent together. Have you laughed together at least a couple of times? Did you feel comfortable being silent in each other’s presence? Or did being side by side only highlight the abyss between you?
3. How are you looking forward to the evening?
Looking forward to it, is it the best time of the day? With anxiety? With tension? Bored beforehand? Indifferent? Annoyed? Observe thoughts, feelings and sensations in the body: physiological reactions can tell a lot about how satisfied we are with the current moment.
4. Are you making the best use of your time?
Why do you spend your evenings this way? When answering this question, be honest with yourself. If both you and your partner are happy with how things are going, then there is no need to change anything. But perhaps a loved one perceives the situation differently, it would be useful to talk about it.
5. How would you feel if your partner wasn’t with you?
Not today, but at all – no matter for what reason. Could you live without this person and would you like to? The thought is provocative and can cause resistance, but reflecting on your life is sometimes useful.
So look at your partner tonight, try to imagine your life without him and analyze how you feel about it.
And what will all this give?
It’s not that every evening should turn into an interesting debate or unbridled sex: we often get tired during the day, and just cuddling in front of the TV is fine. The main thing is to understand if boredom is creeping up on you or, even worse, if alienation is arising between you.
This short list of questions will help you understand if you are happy with your life together, and if not, indicate what exactly to fix.