We have been taught for a long time that relationships need to be worked on, that marriage is built on compromises, that a woman should be wise, which means giving in, adapting to a man. But is it possible to be happy by giving up yourself and your desires?
A happy marriage is the dream of many women. Why doesn’t it come true so often? Because for her sake, a woman is ready to make sacrifices. And the first to go under the knife are all other dreams, their own plans. But you can’t be happy by agreeing not to be yourself. And if a woman is unhappy, then where will the happiness in the family come from?
“It’s hard for me to guess which side dish he would prefer for dinner, I try to cook two different ones just in case,” the words of 39-year-old Vera. She is sure that her duty is to capture the desires of her husband.
“I constantly complain, I don’t know how to build a career. But I, a former excellent student, painfully want recognition. And my husband is angry, he says, I’m weak and I have to quit my job and stay at home ”- the story of 28-year-old Alice. Something prevents her from taking the last step towards complete dependence on her husband. We have several meetings ahead of us — and one day she will come to the conclusion that she does not need to complain to her husband about her bosses, but herself to find a way to solve problems at work.
By refusing to act on our own, we stop trusting ourselves, we begin to look for support outside, we allow others to control us. And when we are treated like unreasonable children, helpless without care, we involuntarily adapt, we play the role of these children.
Can this circle be broken? Yes, if we remember that we are already adults. When we know what we want, we are responsible for our decisions, then relationships are rebuilt, reaching the “adult-adult” level. Sometimes to the surprise of loved ones. Several times I heard from different clients that their husbands suddenly called them feminists. From surprise, men want to find a stigma.
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It must be admitted that it usually takes a long time for a woman to allow herself to think about personal desires. She stopped being afraid that everything would collapse if she declared her rights. For many years she adapted to this life, found loopholes and pluses in it, and worked out ways to protect herself. It is not easy to replace all this with new values, it is scary to give up the usual, albeit hard, life.
“My husband does not consider my opinion. He makes plans, I execute them. I’m like a parrot in a cage. Even if the door is opened, I still won’t survive in the wild,” Vera is convinced.
So far, she still does not see that not only her husband controls her, but she also controls her husband — with the help of this very “I won’t survive”, feeding his guilt with her humiliation and helplessness.
Even on the path of self-respect, it is difficult not to stray from it. It is difficult not to return to the usual role of a capricious child or a critical parent. So practical advice. If you want to redistribute responsibilities in the family, designate them clearly. Do not resort to accusations like «you always», «you never», «I knew it.» For example: “We live in poverty” is vague. Set specific goals. Who and how much can and should earn.
But first of all, decide what you want for yourself. And don’t sacrifice. The idea that your sacrifices will bring happiness to others is self-deception. I usually ask you to remember that on an airplane you are asked to ensure your own safety first, and then help others. If your family life has entered the zone of turbulence, try to apply this rule.