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Repeating “I want to lose weight”, we often do not even realize that we are preventing ourselves from achieving our desired goal. The reason is that being overweight has its benefits. Which? And how to open this circle? Explanations of a psychologist and an exercise.
Regulars of gyms, clients of fitness trainers, lovers of diets, we are losing weight all the time … And sometimes we don’t even realize that we are walking in a circle, following a closed scenario: I want to lose weight – I find the means for this – I lose weight – I achieve or do not achieve the desired – I gain again weight – I am disappointed, upset – I want to lose weight …
It turns out that our unconscious goal is not to lose weight once and for all, but to continue to lose weight, stretching this process to infinity.
Chronically losing weight
Consciously, we set ourselves completely different goals: to dress sexy, to please men (or a husband), to establish close and deep relationships, to make a career. All this is hindered by excess weight, which we seek to eliminate. The media support us in this: successful heroines rarely appear before us in the form of fat women.
And now, sometimes at the cost of great effort and sacrifice, the weight is reduced! There are no more obstacles, the road is open. And suddenly the arrow on the scales again begins to deviate treacherously to the right. Farewell, outfits, relationships and promotions. And often this is not the first time. What’s wrong with us?
“Dreaming about something and being ready to fulfill your dream is not at all the same thing,” notes Maria Pakshina, a Gestalt therapist, a specialist in psycho-correction of excess weight. – Many women are not internally prepared for the development of the situation. Perhaps they do not know how to build deep relationships, perhaps they are afraid of closeness, the difficulties that have begun, or perhaps they just thought through only the first part of the plan, and somehow forgot about the second.
And the body is in a hurry to help, it suggests a way out of the situation – to hide, as in childhood, with your head under a saving blanket. In adulthood, the role of a blanket is played by a fatty layer in which you can hide, hide from prying eyes, and wait out troubles.
Protective layer
It is not in vain that fat is called the “protective layer” – it protects against what we are afraid of. From prying eyes, from sexual intimacy, from the dangerous outside world. “In mild cases, it can be an extra five kilos that a woman always struggles with and which invariably come back,” notes Maria Pakshina. “In more serious cases, a lot of weight, solid armor protecting a vulnerable heart.”
Those who are chronically obese often experienced childhood trauma associated with sexual harassment or abuse. Understanding the underlying causes of excess weight, stirring up painful experiences – this may seem frightening to many. And it may seem that it’s better to feel eternal dissatisfaction with your fat and yourself than to reconsider relationships with loved ones, admit to yourself forbidden feelings (for example, anger at parents or shame) that you don’t know how to deal with.
In most cases, this choice is made unconsciously. Gaining weight can also be a simple excuse for yourself: it’s easier to tell yourself that I’m not dating anyone, because no one likes me full and like that, than to ask questions: why am I giving up relationships? What am I afraid of? What am I trying to protect myself from?
How to understand what our excess weight protects us from?
To finally part with excess weight, it is useful to understand what its secret benefits are. To do this, answer a few questions – it is better to write down the answers and answer each question separately, in order, without looking ahead, warns Maria Pakshina.
Do this exercise – imagine that you have reached the weight you dream of. Imagine it as clearly as you can: here you are waking up in your bed tomorrow morning, stepping on the scales – yes, it happened. The problem of excess weight is gone once and for all. You have no fear that you will gain weight again, you are completely sure that the new physical form will now always be with you. What will change in your life?
- What are you doing on this day? What is his routine? How is it different from your usual day?
- How is your morning going? How is it different from a normal morning? What are you doing differently?
- What’s new do you hear? Maybe compliments about your new look? What’s new do you see? Maybe you notice the interested looks of passing men? What do you feel? How do you respond to these manifestations in each individual case? What words do you say, what gestures do you make, how facial expressions change, what feelings are behind it – joy, embarrassment, euphoria, fear of exposure, shame, satisfaction …
- What do you do afterwards, what kind of people do you meet? Will new people appear and what are they like? What do they expect from you? What are you ready to give them (from their expectations), how do you interact with them, what feelings does it cause?
- How will your new look and new sense of self affect relationships with loved ones? How do they react? What do you feel about it?
- What new challenges will you face? What new challenges have appeared in your life? Do you want to do them? What problems have arisen? Do you know how to solve them?
Prepare for change
Those who do this exercise usually see only the positive side of change at first. But as we continue to work with the imagination, we may find that we are worried about the possible disapproval of loved ones: you have become “too good” for your family. We are afraid to attract attention at work, on the street, we don’t know how to respond to compliments, they embarrass us more than they please us. Or we are not ready to solve those tasks that could be postponed until the weight problem is solved: for example, finding a new job, love or recognition.
“If you have done the exercise and found what your extra weight protects you from – for example, from the attention of men, to which you still do not know how to respond, this is a reason to rejoice,” comments Maria Pakshina. “Because it means your weight will go away on its own once you address the underlying problem.”
Sometimes we manage to find answers to all questions on our own, sometimes we need the help of a professional. And also, to make it easier to accept changes in life, you can hold a small rehearsal. After all, each of us can remember popular and beautiful people who are overweight.
But how often do we say about ourselves: “I’ll lose weight, then I’ll take care of myself, I’ll dress beautifully, I’ll think about changing jobs, I’ll find something I like, I’ll go dancing” … But the majority of acquaintances will not even notice the lost five kilos. But they will notice a sparkle in the eyes, an easy hike, a beautiful hairstyle, well-groomed nails, new clothes that we allowed ourselves because we lost weight. So let’s do it now!
Book on the topic
“Intuitive Eating. How to stop worrying about food and lose weight
Give yourself permission to eat everything without conditions to work it out in the gym. This is the basic principle of intuitive eating. At first, it can cause anxiety and resistance, because it seems like a path to chaos and excess weight. Indeed, in modern culture it is believed that nutrition must be “monitored”, as if we suspect it of something, writes psychotherapist Svetlana Bronnikova, a specialist in the normalization of eating behavior.