It is unlikely that anyone will argue that after 45 years of energy and desires becomes less, and they are not hired as willingly as at 25 and 30. And the closer to retirement, the more we feel sadness from the understanding that, alas, we have passed through equator. How to find new meanings? How to make the mature time of our life happy and rich?
“At 40, life is just beginning.” This catchphrase from the iconic Soviet film became even more relevant after the state extended our youth and pushed back retirement by five years. But no matter what decisions are made on paper, it is still customary in society to consider the age after 45 as the second half of life, after which the finish line is more and more clearly visible. And for many, retirement is an unequivocal signal that we have entered the period that sociologists and demographers call the “age of survival.” Is it possible to be happy and optimistic after we have crossed the equator of life?
Starting point of the second half
“When they talk about old age, there is a noticeable tendency to go to extremes: this period is seen either as a full-fledged, bubbling life, or as a clear decrease in activity, a social coma, and even death,” says Alexei Stepanov, an existential-humanistic psychotherapist. “The truth is that not all people in old age can be active – there are objective reasons, for example, health problems.”
But at the same time, a huge number of older people lead an active social life. And this is not necessarily related to the formal availability of work. The transition from youth to maturity is very individual. “Every person has their own feeling. A soldier retiring at 40-45 years old is unlikely to consider that his active life is over.
However, in psychology, there are many scales that divide the life path into segments. But the expression about the second half is more of a metaphor. If we focus on the latest gradation of the World Health Organization, then these periods are as follows: from 25 to 44 years — youth, from 45 to 60 — maturity, from 60 to 75 — an elderly person, from 75 to 90 — old age, over 90 — longevity.
“The boundary that divides life into two conditional halves falls on the period of maturity. But with a caveat — people have great individualities and there is no single figure, — confirms psychodramatherapist Ekaterina Kryukova. — The proverb of the century before last «40 years — the Indian age» partially reflects some changes that occur in the female body. But I would expand the boundaries of the transition to the second half — this is 40-50 years for both men and women.
We become interested in other things: how familiar am I with myself, how satisfied am I with what I did before?
The transitional period is the time for a normative midlife crisis. It is at this time that at least once each of us comes up with the idea that a significant part of life has been passed. What lies ahead for us? Has everything that we thought and dreamed about come true? How satisfied are we with life, do we enjoy it? Are those people next to us?
“A person realizes that the first, understandable, most predictable part of life has been mastered or not mastered by him. He begins to sum up the preliminary results, ”explains Ekaterina Kryukova. And we address our most serious questions not to the world, as it has been so far, but to ourselves.
Youth is a period of expansion into the world, and we expect a lot from it. “We are invited to work — we are interested in what we will get from this, and this is not only about finances. The young man is puzzled by the accumulation of experience, knowledge, he wants to try everything in the outside world. The crisis comes when, without breaking away from reality, we turn the vector of attention into our inner life.”
We become interested in other things: how familiar I am with myself, how satisfied I am with what I did before. We are concerned not with quantitative changes, but with qualitative ones. Another inventory takes place in old age.
“I would be lying if I said that aging is not a critical period,” Alexey Stepanov continues. “The meaning of life is under attack. At the same time, the question is being decided about what to rejoice and about what to lament. What else to be for? This is an important task of the elderly, if it is not solved, the quality of life decreases.”
Fears and stereotypes
We leaf through an album of photographs and see ourselves as young. And it’s not so easy now to climb the stairs, let alone run up. Every day gives us signals that although we were trotters, but memories of this bring sadness rather than joy.
“Entering the period of old age, we live the loss of our former self,” explains Alexei Stepanov. — The soul reacts to losses with grief. The end of grief, the completion of its work, is marked by the acquisition of a new meaning: “I am sad, but I accept what I am now and how I should deal with it.”
Often active people, retiring, react to this very painfully. “Some did not survive the changes, getting a stroke and a heart attack,” says Ekaterina Kryukova. — There is a sharp isolation. One day they are thrown out of the usual active rhythm. And that’s a lot of stress. In the language of Moreno’s psychodrama, our social atom — connections with society through other people — is depleted with retirement. In addition to relationships and acquaintances that serve work, connections of a less significant social circle are also lost.
For example, while working, we follow the dress code and for this we buy clothes, shoes, visit shops and hairdressers. Now it is not needed in such a volume. Business trips, new acquaintances, vacations, travels — this is gradually lost. And in the «first» circle — the closest one — some are surprised to find that the ties have weakened. The kids are grown up and busy with their lives. We are not always involved in the upbringing of our grandchildren, and we ourselves do not always want this. But everyone needs a specific living skill to spend time with another person. And this skill is lost.
The idea is being driven into the public consciousness that the slightest signs of old age should be avoided in every possible way.
But more often we are dealing with attitudes that are created by the person himself and supported by society. A decrease in activity is often associated with self-limiting thoughts, Alexey Stepanov is sure. There are many people for whom the glass is always half full, not empty. And this is a matter of internal installation.
“I read an interview with the famous director of the thriller “Alien” Riddley Scott, who is already over 80. And when he was asked about his future plans, he painted them ten years in advance. He lives, but does not survive.
It is important to accept yourself and your age, says Ekaterina Kryukova. “As a practicing psychologist, I encounter a recurring phenomenon. A huge prevailing fear is to grow old, to become infirm, to lose the ability to serve oneself and be included in life. The idea is driven into the public consciousness that the slightest signs of old age should be avoided in every possible way.
A huge number of Dorian Grays among men and women who are willing to shell out crazy money for something to slow down in their youth. But no one has yet been able to deceive life, and we, psychologists, receive clients with neuroses, sometimes reaching severe personality disorders.
It’s good when the psyche has protective mechanisms that allow it to adapt, to cope with life. But they can play a bad role for us when people live in an illusory, and not in the real world. And then one day something happens that confronts them with a reality for which they are not ready. And they are destroyed.
“I get a little annoyed when I see 70-80 year olds being told to stay 40. This is dangerous».
Youth at will
The quality of life after 45-48 years is largely determined by how the so-called first half of life is lived, Alexey Stepanov believes. “It cannot be that before that there was an active professional activity, extensive social contacts, readiness to perceive the new, but a person reaches a certain age and suddenly, once, everything ends.”
We continue to lead the same lifestyle as before, only adjusted for certain age limits. There is some general objective decrease in the quality of life. But when our life is varied, then retirement does not become a tragic event. After all, as a rule, active people have many other meanings besides work. And if not, then they can be found. You can maintain external attractiveness not only in adulthood, but also in old age. And to continue sexual life, Aleksey Stepanov is convinced.
“As a rule, a person of any age is able to find a partner. Surely there will be someone for whom we will be attractive. It’s just a matter of your own limitations. If possible, you need to conduct some kind of social activity — for example, work with the community in the temple, where you can meet those who understand, who share the same thoughts about aging.
It is important not to lose readiness for development and learning. You can learn new skills, which is useful at any age. Go to study in a pottery workshop and master a musical instrument. «Tame» the computer and learn online games. It is worth giving time and attention to those relationships that already exist, and those that have weakened due to our employment, suggests Ekaterina Kryukova.
You can find inner harmony if you find the courage to meet those aspects of being that are now
It is worth conducting an audit of relationships with children, grandchildren, old friends, brothers and sisters. In this age of social networks and virtual communications, this is easy to do. “Communication does not require material costs. You can spend time together on a walk in the park or over a cup of tea. Rarely does sincere attention go unanswered.”
You should also try to be open to new contacts, without any far-reaching consequences — sometimes they are as pleasant as they are unexpected. “Recently, I got great pleasure talking at a bus stop with an unfamiliar elderly man. I don’t even know his name.»
It is important to show readiness with a look, and then you will certainly meet eyes in the crowd that want to respond in kind. “I really like the phrase “Happiness is the fullness of being.” I completely agree with her. But being at every age and every circumstance is defined and perceived differently, — adds Ekaterina Kryukova, — Being a five-year-old can be pleasant, but it is hardly necessary for a 40-year-old. Each age has a different set of pleasures and annoyances.
You can find inner harmony and balance if you find the courage to meet those aspects of being that are now, with your own reality, not to run away, not to distort, but to live it the way we are capable of. And then that the first, that the second half of life will become unique for us.