Since childhood, we hear parting words like “be yourself” and “behave naturally.” But life in society often invites us to play certain roles, even if we don’t like them. This is tiring and annoying, although we may not notice it. How do we choose these roles and why do we need them so desperately?
What games do we play
People live in a system of unconscious play, smoothly flowing from one role to another. This process can end only if the person becomes aware of what is happening.
“Let’s take relationships as an example. A woman begins dating a man, but by this moment she has not psychologically left the state of a little girl, says psychologist Anna Avdeeva. – Having not received enough parental love, he builds relationships in such a way as to compensate for this lack. A man can seamlessly fit into the script and play the role of a father. The result is not a partnership, but a parent-child relationship.”
A man, wanting to dominate and feel power, acts as an adult. Relationships “hang” at one stage of development. Partners must develop and grow together, set common goals and go towards them. In a relationship where one plays the role of the child and the other plays the role of the parent, development is out of the question. Their life together is built on the foundation of emotions: the child was offended, the adult took pity on him, and so on. Therefore, such relationships are unhealthy.
The main feature of a person who takes the position of a victim is the unwillingness to bear responsibility for their actions.
We are often not honest with ourselves: when communicating with people, we put on certain masks. For example, to satisfy an inner need for something.
“In the process of communication, we always experience emotions “for ourselves”, although we present these experiences as a desire to help others. For example, a friend comes to me, complains about life, work, children. I listen to her and sympathize. Do I want to help my friend, or am I just playing the role of a savior in order to get a response – love, gratitude, or something else that I lacked as a child?
The roles of savior and victim are among the most popular in society. The main feature of a person who takes the position of a victim is the unwillingness to bear responsibility for actions. The victim constantly seeks pity and sympathy and sometimes provokes the aggression of others in order to be able to manipulate them.
In turn, the one who puts on the mask of the savior feels needed, feels satisfied. A person who is used to always saving everyone constantly finds an object for protection.
Why are we doing this
“Behind these masks are the experiences of childhood — the need for acceptance and love,” Anna Avdeeva comments. – In games like this, people often rush to help others: lend money, listen to stories about problems, take on someone else’s responsibility. But attempts to become good for others do not always receive recognition and satisfaction. This leads to a crisis, enthusiasm and strength disappear. This can throw the Savior to the other side, and he will unconsciously turn into a victim.
Family attitudes in a certain way affect what roles a person chooses for himself. He becomes like his parents, lives their life, repeats their experience. Sometimes people deliberately choose the same path as their parents, as if bringing them back into their lives.
Someone tries to get away from the imposed parental rules, but by coincidence, they find themselves in similar situations. For example, in families where parents have pressured authority and overprotective, children often build co-dependent relationships in their families, in which they play according to the rules set by their parents.
How to exit the game
In order to get out of the game and take off the masks, it is important to realize what kind of game you are playing and why. Awareness begins with the understanding that repeated situations, events occur in life, similar people meet. As if the same scenario is being lived in a circle. Once we have realized it, it is useful to observe: what emotion becomes leading in life, what inner pain guides actions, moods, words? Once these emotions are detected, they need to be neutralized.
“Often behind the masks are emotional experiences that we keep and cannot let go. Liberation from the roles imposed by parents is possible only when a person begins an independent life, becomes capable of realizing the present, is responsible for his actions. And at the same time he understands what exactly from the parental heritage he wants to preserve.
Even if a person likes his role and receives benefit and pleasure from acting out, it must be understood that this does not make him mentally and emotionally healthy. The eternal game is exhausting and takes a lot of energy. And this energy can be directed to development and improvement.