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The “ritual” of saying “I love you”: why we give so much importance to two words
Couple
The moment in which love is verbalized in a couple is decisive in a relationship
Throughout the years we live many I love you, both own and others. We have seen Mr. Darcy repeat to Elizabeth Bennet that he “loved” her in the rain; Harry telling Sally that he “happens to love her” even when “it takes an hour and a half to order a sandwich”; or even a heartfelt “I love you” from Princess Leia that could only be answered with a scoundrel “I know” from Han Solo. This scene, so hackneyed, never tires us, as it turns out that saying “I love you” to someone for the first time is quite an event, the pinnacle of that romantic love that we have been taught since we were little.
Wanting is often an involuntary act, but express this love with words sometimes it is not easy. The first time a couple verbalizes how they feel about each other, they perpetuate a “rite” established in our society of which we have all been accomplices at some time. “When we say ‘I love you’ there is a public institutionalization of love”, explains Francesc Núñez, sociologist at the Open University of Catalonia (UOC). The expert comments that this “ritual” is so ingrained that if a person, when saying these words for the first time, were to go outside the classic two-word formula, and change them to “I love you” or, jokingly, add an affectionate nickname Behind, in the way of “I love you, flathead”, it would seem very strange to us, since it is a socialized act and learned under a specific mold.
In many cases, when a couple verbalizes their love Values are established within the relationship that, in a certain way, make it official. The health psychologist Macu Guerrero, director of the Ruth González Terapia center, points out that what this act does is to record and affirm that what is being created between two people matters. “The other person is very relevant to us and we want to say it and let him know it,” he adds.
Since we live in a society in which many people find difficulties in “labeling” In relationships, the act of saying “I love you” sometimes helps to formalize them. Rafael San Román, a psychologist at the ifeel platform, explains that we don’t love people the first time around, “even if we have a relationship with them,” so when we pronounce the famous words for the first time, we make a “statement of principles ”, or even a declaration of intentions. We are exposing ourselves and we are vulnerable, since we are not always sure that the interlocutor will fit the message well.
Although the “institutionalization” of our love is always an important moment, when we talk about teenage loves And when you are young, the moment is magnified, because everything is lived with much more enthusiasm the first few times. “The first kiss, the first time you fall in love … everything is experienced with great intensity”, says the UOC sociologist. Even so, the three professionals agree that, no matter how old we are, the beginning of a relationship is always exciting. “Illusion is illusion at any age, the authenticity and solidity of feelings can exist – fortunately – we are 20, 40 or 60 years old”, says Rafael San Román.
Hollywood love is our love
The “ritual of I love you” is always given great importance, whether in the first relationships or in those that we already arrive with a baggage; Young people who are faced with it for the first time find it important, even if they have never faced it, because of what they have learned from movies and books. «The way we think and live romantic love is built by Hollywood cinema. The songs that speak of love, the novels … all this has created a collective imagination about how a relationship should be and how we live love », points out Francesc Núñez.
The ifeel psychologist explains that in these cultural products we have seen thousands of examples of declarations of love, as well as reactions to those declarations, which generates a tendency to try to reproduce those examples and an expectation. The maturity factor It has a great relevance in this case, because as the psychologist Macu Guerrero comments, as we grow we adapt fiction to reality and we nourish ourselves with our own experiences.
The importance given to the enunciation of the two words of which we speak is also due to the fact that in our society the fear of compromiseTherefore, this formalization of a relationship supposes for many “a whole world”. “Some say that romantic love is dead; I do not know if we can say it like that, but it is true that now we live relationships in a more rational way, “explains the sociologist. This is due to the fact that, today, people find a greater capacity for choice – the way to link It has turned to the online plane, where an exhaustive selection of the partner is made – so relationships are more instrumentalized and there is a greater fear of commitment. Even so, the idea of a “movie” love and its search continues, so we continue to give some importance to the most classic codes of romantic relationships.
Fear of “labels”
This fear is often caused by the difficulty that many find in putting a “label” on a relationship. “There are people who are afraid of commitment, or who avoid categories in order to feel free in the relationship. Both options are fine, as long as each one live a love from well-being and not from the fear of the invasion ”, points out Macu Guerrero. Regarding this need to name a relationship, the ifeel psychologist warns that one should not fall into the trap of words or labels. “There are times when we feel obliged to say certain things at certain times because” others “do it, because we see those ostentatious declarations of love on the networks or because we have it burned through, for example, movies”, adds the psychologist.
Even with all these doubts and changes in the most modern relationships, where there are times to say “I love you” and make a relationship stable seems an almost impossible step, sociologist Francesc Núñez remains optimistic: “The world is becoming more complicated and we are less excited, but love has not lost that, it has not left its essence: we are still looking for the possibility of enchantment ».