Contents
“I’m afraid to talk about what I feel”, “I can imagine what the reaction will be!”, “It’s indecent to behave like that.” Psychologist Irina Malkina-Pykh talks about why we suppress our feelings and suggests learning to defend our opinion. Several exercises.
It is common in our culture to punish children for displaying strong emotions, especially aggression. The child is taught: “Do not raise your voice when talking with elders, do not mind!” They often intimidate to suppress emotions: “If you don’t stop offending your sister, I will call the policeman and he will pick you up.” “If you are rude to your grandmother, she will get sick, die, and you will be to blame.” “If you scream (cry, act up), then you will be left alone, we will leave you.”
The threat of punishment, guilt, shame, fear are ways to eliminate the manifestation of bright, true emotions on the part of the child, the prohibition to be himself. As a result, the suppression of direct expression of emotions, open, bold, spontaneous interaction. The impossibility of self-assertion, upholding one’s feelings, beliefs. Problems in interpersonal interaction can give rise to alienation, depression, chronic anxiety, mood swings, outbursts of anger, as well as psychosomatic illnesses and various addictive behaviors.
Read more:
- Don’t suppress your emotions!
three styles of behavior
There are three styles of behavior in adulthood that allow you not to show true feelings.
- Hidden passive – the search for solace and primary satisfaction of need with the help of impersonal material things (work, alcohol, drugs, food, TV, computer, slot machines). The goal is numbness: to forget, to disconnect from real, true emotions and feelings, to replace them with surrogate feelings.
- Aggressive – bright cynicism. People are objects to be used and manipulated.
- Passive – constantly wear a mask of despair and failure.
When we were children, we believed adults and obeyed. As adults, we explain to ourselves the expediency of our actions and the correctness of the chosen strategies of behavior. Here are five emotionally destructive attitudes that prevent you from expressing your feelings and opinions.
1. “If I tell him how I really feel, he will not stand it, he will die.” This statement is based on the idea of the fragility of the other. Often the partner deliberately supports the illusion of fragility in order to save the situation. Such fragility is manipulation. An analogue of children’s horror stories that are manipulated by children: “If you make noise, your grandmother will not stand it and will die.”
2. “If I give vent to my feelings, I will lose control of myself. To be angry is harmful and senseless. Indeed, it is harmful to accumulate anger and irritation for a long time – when the dam collapses, the effect is crushing. That is why it is more constructive to express one’s opinion openly, without hiding or accumulating grievances, offering a mutual, open dialogue.
3. “This kind of behavior is indecent.” This statement echoes the myths about the woman. The role of a respectable woman (mother, wife) forbids such “not a lady” behavior. If the real person is weighed down by the prohibitions of the role, if the true feelings are different, then what will be more destructive for the woman’s personality? Expression of feelings or psychosomatic illness? Health or illness? Life or death?
Alfred Langle
“Emotions and Existence”
It is not easy to understand our feelings – sometimes our fear, anger or joy is so strong and uncontrollable that it suppresses the mind, and sometimes it is so weak and implicit that we do not dare to trust them.
4. “If I reveal my true feelings, I will be rejected.” Fear of being alone, of becoming an outcast, a black sheep. Children’s fears – “if you behave like this, we will refuse you, give you to a policeman, someone else’s uncle.”
5. “I’m afraid of what others will do in response.” There is a certain risk in truthful, sincere behavior. The question of choice and responsibility for choice. It is useful to practice open, truthful relationships with loved ones, family members, relatives, friends.
useful exercises
1. “I am so afraid, but many are not afraid of this”
The challenge is to discover within yourself the “fear zones” – things that you fear, although many people are not afraid of this. Try to build a phrase in relation to yourself according to the following template: “I am afraid … although many people are not afraid of this.” The task is to find at least 3 fears in yourself.
And now try to figure out which of them are justified, rational, and which are absolutely irrational, “childish”. For example, it really makes sense to be afraid of bare electrical wires or poisonous snakes, but there are fears that are less rational, for example, fear of criticism, fear of success, fear of asking a teacher or boss a question.
Read more:
- Julia Gippenreiter: “There are emotions that we have the right to, but there are actions that cannot be performed”
2. “I am not afraid, but many are afraid”
The challenge is to discover your “daring zones” – to find the actions that you are not afraid to take, although many people are afraid of doing so. Try to build a phrase in relation to yourself according to the following template: “I am not afraid … although many people are afraid of this.” The task is to say at least three such phrases. For example: I am not afraid of the sight of blood, although many are afraid; I am not afraid of heights, although many are afraid, and so on.
3. Guess the feeling
To complete this exercise, you need at least three people – you can do it together with children, friends, colleagues. First, the participants each name five feelings: fear, rage, joy, sadness, pride, jealousy, melancholy, resentment, envy … And write them on the cards with multi-colored felt-tip pens. The cards are distributed to the participants, and they take it in turns to try, without words, to show how the person who feels the feeling written on the card looks like. The task of the rest is to name the feeling experienced “by name”. Then discuss which was easier – impersonating or guessing feelings? Which feelings are easier to portray – positive or negative?
Try to remind yourself as often as possible.
- I have the right to any feelings – both positive and negative. I accept feelings as they are, I do not drive them away from me.
- Nobody knows my feelings better than me.
- Feelings that have arisen in relation to others are best expressed in a dialogue with their direct participation.
- My authority does not suffer if I speak about my feelings.
- Expressing positive feelings is not binding.
- Do not mix positive and negative feelings. It is more reasonable to separate them in time. Praise with an angry expression will only disorientate the communication partner.
- I accept and appreciate the praise of others. They do it for me.
4. “What do I feel now”
Try to name the feeling you are feeling as accurately as possible. Try to bring the feeling to the maximum – portray it in an exaggerated, even grotesque form. Then describe your feeling in detail.
5. “Feeling plus behavior”
Choose any feeling and build a phrase in which you openly tell your communication partner (husband, child, friend, colleague, etc.) about your feeling, and then accurately describe the behavior that caused it.
For more details, see I. Malkina-Pykh “Victimology. Psychology of victim behavior” (Eksmo, 2010).
