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When giving advice and making decisions for others, we are sure that we act with the best of intentions. But help that is not asked for has devastating consequences.
Many of us in childhood heard: “you can’t think only about yourself”, “you have to help”, “don’t be selfish”, “think about others”. From an early age, a child’s attitude is formed — I am good only when I help, when it is convenient for others. Perhaps you recognize yourself or someone close to you. And now we will talk about the syndrome of the rescuer.
Why is it important to help everyone?
The rescuer syndrome is fixed in various situations.
Parents are in traumatic scenarios
These include addictions, constant quarrels. For example, if dad raises his hand to mom, the child will stand between them to protect her. Taking care of the safety of a loved one, he himself finds himself in a risky situation for himself. But he does not think about himself at this moment.
The need to save becomes a natural pattern of behavior. Every year it strengthens and turns out to be the only one I know. As an adult, a person continues to help everyone around: friends, colleagues, partner, animals. So he forgets about his need for security and self-care.
Child takes on the role of lifeguard
A woman is able to give a child only what she herself has. If she knows how to take care of herself, then she will teach this to the baby. And if he spends all his resources on dad, parents or other people, the child adopts this model. There is a destruction of personal boundaries — both one’s own and others’. Hence the need to give unsolicited advice, to patronize.
With a high probability in the future, such a person will choose an infantile partner who needs to be led through life. Such unions are rarely happy. Help is taken for granted. And the rescuer, not receiving gratitude, is disappointed.
Divorce of parents, death of mother or father or significant adult
Children usually feel guilty about what happened. Unfortunately, entire generations have grown up with the “if you misbehave, something terrible will happen” mentality. And when grief comes, no one explains to the child why it happened. They try to protect him from all negative information. It turns out only worse — the baby remains in complete ignorance, with a sense of guilt and an unfinished process of mourning for many years.
And then the story about «save» grows with the child. Such people most often subsequently choose professions related to the provision of assistance: they become doctors, social workers, teachers, psychologists. They operate from the principle «I did not save mom or dad, but I will save others.»
To become a good specialist, it is important to see what really brought you to this profession. Long term therapy required
The fact is that unresolved problems accumulate over the years. And it is impossible to change the situation in one session. Trying to help another, we often perceive what is happening through the prism of our traumatization. We see not a real picture, but parents whom we could not save. Or yourself, that little child who really needed support. Without living our experience because of the unformed psyche of children, we cannot hear the feelings of those we are trying to help.
For example, trying to achieve order in the classroom and obedience, the teacher makes insulting remarks, puts students in humiliating situations. Once this teacher was also just a child, and, most likely, parents or significant adults did the same with him: they humiliated him, ignored his needs. So now he repeats the same thing that was done to him. He fulfills his own needs through his influence, because he is already an adult and it is safe for him.
A thankless task — thinking about others, we harm ourselves
In fact, the rescuer is an unhappy person, immersed in other people’s problems. He has no time for personal matters. One of the most important laws in systemic therapy is maintaining a balance between giving and taking. Rescuers only give and receive nothing, so they are more likely to burn out. Endless concern for others leads to frustration, resentment and aggression.
How to determine that the “rescuer syndrome” is about you? Answer the following questions.
Do you find it difficult to find time for yourself?
Are you always ready to help those in need?
Do you have a tendency to take responsibility for those who are in trouble?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you tend to help everyone around you, whether they ask for help or not?
Do you feel uncomfortable getting help from others?
Do you sometimes feel angry or resentful because you are always giving?
Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of sometimes?
If at least half of you gave an affirmative answer, you need to change the behavior model.
How to deal with Rescuer Syndrome
Does this mean that there is no need to help anyone? Of course not.
You can help — but no more than necessary. That is, if another person directly asked for help, then your task is to decide how ready you are now to provide it.
Hence the next rule is to help only from the surplus. These are the main points that will help control the situation. To get out of it, it is important to see the reason that led to this behavior — from what difficult stories it distracts us. It is not easy to realize that when we save others, we are first of all trying to save ourselves. But this is the first step towards healing.
It is important to learn how to take care of yourself. By our actions, we seek to close specific needs — for love, approval, self-worth. But this is not always the case. Saving the world is not the only way to get what you want, there are less sacrificial ways. Direct resources to them that were previously wasted on others, and now belong only to you.
It will take time to get out of the role of a rescuer. To live in the present, you need to go back to the past.
To see that little child who, for example, tried to stand between his parents. Angry at them for not taking care of his safety back then. Understand that it was at that moment that we abandoned our own needs.
Awareness can be the point from which we learn to see ourselves with our needs. This is a painstaking job that is best done with a specialist. We will not hurt ourselves, but returning to the past and living it again is always painful, but bearable for an adult. When this happens, the story will continue — we will be able to do something for ourselves, help ourselves, and not just others.