Someone who has been accustomed to insults from a young age is more likely to consider them normal. Such experiences make it difficult for us to confront aggression from a partner in adulthood.
“The soundtrack to my childhood was the endless abuse of my parents,” recalls Svetlana, 27. – They came up with offensive nicknames for me, they said that I can’t do anything and I won’t achieve anything. Contrary to their predictions, I graduated from the university with honors. She got her first job – and for five years she endured the dismissive attitude of her boss. After the planning meetings, she sobbed in the toilet, but did not dare to quit. It was only when I came to therapy that I realized that he spoke to me in the same way as my parents, even using the same expressions – “stuffed fool”, “stuffed-up cudgel”. And I felt like I deserved it…”
“If life is full of criticism, children learn to judge. If life is always shaming, children learn to be guilty…” – lines from Dorothy Nolte’s poem “Children Learn from Life” perfectly describe the dynamics of our behavioral patterns. We do not grow up in the forest, but in the family – and it is there that we learn how we can be treated, and how not. And this knowledge is often passed down from generation to generation unreflected. And it’s good if we grew up in a family where by default it is customary to praise or at least not insult each other. But few can boast of this …
Verbal aggression affects us negatively, but two processes prevent us from feeling this: rationalization and denial. As children, we think that everything that happens in our home is normal for everyone. And even as we grow up and gain new experiences—for example, visiting friends whose parents behave completely differently—it’s hard and painful for us to admit that the situation in our home is far from ideal. Thus, we protect ourselves from some experiences, but prepare for others, no less difficult.
Every child by default expects recognition, respect and love from an adult. When we don’t get what we dream of, we can come up with a million “reasonable” explanations for ourselves that will help us move on without being hurt by someone else’s dislike.
“When my mother called me a loafer or an idiot with or without reason, I felt terribly sorry for her, because she is so tired at work! – says Alena, 38 years old. “I’m still sure that if it weren’t for her hard work – she was a nurse in intensive care – she would have found more kind words for me…”
The first step to freedom is to realize that the way they talked to me as a child is not the norm.
We justify the actions of those from whom, even in adulthood, we expect warmth by fatigue, a heavy workload. Unfortunately, these arguments, seemingly so rational, prevent us from feeling our own grief, from supporting ourselves. This means lowering the threshold of one’s own tolerance for violence, including verbal.
A child who has no experience tends to believe that “deep down” the parent wants him only good. Such a conviction helps him to endure his own impotence, to hide from unbearable experiences. The adult who tends to justify the partner’s aggressive or hostile behavior does the same.
We would rather blame ourselves for what is happening than admit that we are being treated unfairly.
“We blame ourselves by default, and this only fuels our tendency to deny reality. This is how we protect ourselves from painful truths that apply either to our childhood or our relationships in adulthood, says Peg Streep, author of enlightening books on the relationship between mothers and daughters. “The person you expect love and care from is hurting you instead. It’s not hard to see why we choose to close our eyes to reality, even if it adds to our suffering.”
“I realized that I was too calm about my father’s verbal attacks when I saw that he attacks his own grandchildren in the same way,” admits Galina, 50 years old. – Then I realized that I was no longer ready to slow down such situations. Oddly enough, after a while I broke up with a partner who was rude and neglected my needs. One fine day, I realized that I was seeing an exact copy of my father in front of me – this was the last straw … “
The first step to freedom is to realize that the way they talked to me as a child is not the norm. The same applies to a partner who behaves rudely and aggressively. Deep reflection and a conversation with an attentive specialist will help restore self-esteem and become better acquainted with “non-toxic” ways of communication.