The reason for shyness is excessive self-criticism

In childhood, we all go through this: it seems to us that the behavior of others has a direct bearing on us. The areas of the prefrontal cortex that we use to assess and properly understand situations like this are not yet fully developed at this stage. However, some people, even as adults, fail to outgrow these childhood illusions that the whole world revolves around them.

Embarrassed, we think about how we look from the outside, we take everything personally, we begin to be ashamed, and then either defend ourselves or meekly obey. In both cases we take other people’s criticism too literally, seriously and close to our hearts, “we make an elephant out of a fly.” As a result, we lose confidence in ourselves, it seems to us that others condemn us, that we are inferior.

We compare ourselves with other people, often more successful, focusing on our mistakes and shortcomings. We even think that it is useful – to motivate ourselves. But these comparisons are not in our favor, only reinforce the feeling of our own inferiority and inferiority.

Imagine yourself in the company of strangers, at a meeting with colleagues, at a family dinner or a date. Everyone is talking animatedly, everyone is in a great mood. Suddenly someone says to you: “You have something on your nose.” When you try to wipe your nose, you drop your glass, spilling its contents and shattering the glass itself. Everyone is quiet and looking at you, as if the lights in the whole room have been dimmed and a spotlight has been directed at you.

This is exactly how shy people feel, who are worried about how they look in the eyes of others. It seems to them that everyone observes their actions, evaluates, criticizes and condemns, even if reason and logic suggest that this is not the case.

Most people are constantly engaged in self-criticism. For example, you have a thought: “I’m ugly!” – and you begin to argue with this statement, to resist it. In the end you only feed this mental template with additional energy. If someone comes up to you and calls you a pink elephant, you are unlikely to be offended, because there is no idea in your head that you can really be a pink elephant and that this is bad.

But if they tell you that you would look much better if you got rid of extra pounds and a double chin, this can be very upsetting for you. Perhaps you felt a slight prick already from reading the previous phrase: “But I really have a second chin! We need to get rid of him.”

This is because there are ideas in your psyche that you can have a double chin and that a double chin is very bad. That is why, at the mere mention of it, the thought “I am ugly!” May appear in your head, with which you will agree.

The most important thing – stop agreeing with such negative thoughts. No, do not argue with them and do not resist them. Remember the story of the pink elephant: this idea has no power over you. Try to learn to treat your negative thoughts and feelings in the same way – just mentally “shrug”: “Well, yes, my brain is now busy with this. So what?”