All couples quarrel from time to time and then try to understand how the conflict began. Who was the first to blame the other, who had to defend himself. At the same time, many do not even realize that the quarrel, most likely, occurs according to the circular principle — that is, in a circle. What does this mean, said the psychologist Yulia Tokarskaya.
Let’s take this situation as an example. My husband was very late at work. The wife, who is waiting for him at home, begins to scroll through the possible reasons in her head. Different versions come to mind: “Probably he is with friends and completely forgot about me. Or at all have him someone emerged. He does not love me».
These thoughts cause her fear, resentment and anger at the same time. Unpleasant emotions provoke aggressive behavior, and when the husband comes home, the wife shows him a bad mood. She can act distant, and he does not understand what he was guilty of. Or he makes claims — in response, he defends himself just as aggressively.
In any case, there is an act of communication that is filled with different contents, messages and messages. We can read some of them, but we can only guess about something.
It must be borne in mind that everyone has their own perception of reality, so everyone understands the meaning of the messages in their own way. At the same time, communication not only conveys information, but also influences behavior.
The husband, who returned home in a conflict situation, has response thoughts to what is happening: “I came home tired, no one was waiting for me, I don’t care. They also saw…” He feels misunderstood, offended and angry. Emotions are followed by his act of communication — he can, for example, rudely answer his wife or be removed and not respond to her accusations.
Behind our behavior is a lot of things that the partner does not see. And we do not always voice the true thoughts of feelings.
Then the story repeats itself if the husband comes back late from work again. The wife is not satisfied that he constantly disappears somewhere, she is again angry and offended. The husband responds in kind to her claims. Then everything follows the same pattern. The circle is closed.
The fact is that behind the behavior there is a lot of things that the partner does not see. And we do not always voice the true thoughts of the feeling. After all, the wife did not say that she was afraid of losing him, that she felt bad without him. He sees only her anger. But he also does not say that he is offended, that he feels unnecessary. And the wife sees only how he attacks in response or simply moves away.
We can be close with a partner, but still not be able to convey to him what we are experiencing. We can feel one thing and show another. In this case, the partner may see something third.
In order not to repeat the same conflict scenario over and over again, first try to figure out what you think and feel. So it will be easier to convey thoughts and feelings to a partner. And by tracking your typical reactions, you can adjust and change them in order to interact more effectively.
How to do it? Here are four points to help remedy the situation.
1. Understand your emotions.
You are angry with your partner and ready to attack. Pause and try to understand what drives you, what thoughts come to mind. Formulate them clearly: you are not loved, not appreciated … Something else? What emotions do these thoughts evoke in you — pain, sadness, resentment?
2. Talk to a partner.
Do not try to find out who is right and who is wrong, but rather talk about your thoughts and feelings, the true motives of your behavior.
For example: “You came home from work so late today. I was very sad and lonely. I had bad thoughts…”
3. Try to understand your partner.
What is behind his behavior? Maybe it’s the desire to be loved, heard, the fear of loss? What are your partner’s thoughts and feelings at this moment? Don’t think about it, ask him. For example: “You react so aggressively to my words. Did they hurt you?»
4. Try to change tactics and acts of communication.
Observe what acts of communication usually accompany a quarrel from one side and the other. Are you withdrawing or attacking? How is the partner behaving? Perhaps he is hurt by the form of expression of your thoughts and feelings and his aggression is just a response? It is very likely that if you change the line of behavior, he will also begin to manifest himself differently.