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The problem with your partner is that you express your love “in another language”
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Gary Chapman has been “saving marriages” for years thanks to his theory of the five languages of love
Gary Chapman He had been a marriage counselor for 15 years when, in 1992, he came up with the idea that would change his life, and that of millions of couples around the world. This American Baptist pastor realized that all the couples who came for help posed, in essence, the same underlying problem: they no longer felt loved.
Your book “The five languages of love: the secret of lasting love”(“The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts”) has since sold 12 million copies and has been translated into 50 languages. In it, Chapman proposes a simple formula to improve affective relationships, based on the identification of the “language” in which the other understands love and in which oneself interprets it.
Chapman identified five basic ways to express love. By reading them, each person can quickly detect – or do it with the help of their test (in English) – what is their primary love language, that is, the one who best receives or reads of the five, the one that predominates over the others, although it may value more than one.
The most interesting thing about the approach of this American writer and coach is, however, his proposal to save couples. It is not about knowing how one understands love, or how one naturally tends to express it to others, but rather about identify which is the language of love that prevails in the loved one. And express your love in HIS primary language.
As Chapman explained in the Oprah Winfrey podcast: “Finding your own language of love is important, but it is even more important to find your partner’s to express your love in their language, the the only one who will truly value and make her feel loved».
“You don’t have to focus on what one needs, but on what the other needs to feel better. AND find a way to express your love not in your ‘language’, but in his“He added.
The writer indicates that this method can not only be applied to relationships, but is key to improving all kinds of affections: children, friends, co-workers and family members. In fact, he has extended his method to all of them with the publication of books adapted to each type of link.
Chapman often refers to “love deposit»That each person has, an« emotional deposit »that« must always be full in order to feel good in the relationship, because if we let it empty we feel that love is over and the distance between the two becomes greater ». To do this, you have to do continuous and constant gestures in the other’s love language, never let that repository be seen without content.
The 5 «languages» of love
1. Words of affirmation
For those who prevail this option, their way of expressing love is verbal. They tend to say it, give compliments and nice words to whoever they love, and they also need the other to tell them that they love them, clearly and often.
2. Quality time
These types of people value, above all else, spending time with their partner, enjoying activities together, finding moments of intimacy and feeling prioritized in the agenda of their loved one. These people feel love when someone spends time with them, and therefore they often express love by devoting their full attention to the other person.
3. Receive presents or gifts
People who naturally tend to express their love with gifts are aware of these details, small or large. Flowers, chocolates, a note, a surprise, a detail, an unexpected present … they do not miss an opportunity to remember the person they love and give them material attention. And they appreciate that their partner has these kinds of details with her.
4. Acts of service
Those who have this fourth form as the language of primary love, value above all doing something for the other. From a household chore to a management or a favor, for these people love is expressed with small acts at the service of the other, and they especially value that their partner makes these types of gestures or efforts for them.
5. Physical contact
A hug, a caress, a kiss, a pat, touching your hair, brushing your hands. People whose main language of love is physical contact need it to feel loved, and it is also the way in which they express their feelings to others. Those who live it this way know it, but those who do not have this language of love can feel intimidated.
Chapman points out that if two people agree on their primary love language, they will have an easier time as a couple, or if the language of one is second in order of importance to the other it will also be simple. «Things are more complicated when, for example, your love language number one is number five for your partner», He warns.
“Still,” the marriage counselor reassures, “you can work and get it. The most important thing is to understand why it is so important to speak in the language of your loved one’s love».
As he recounted on the Oprah podcast, his language of love Primary is words of affirmation, while his wife’s is acts of service. “That’s why I wash the dishes, vacuum and take out the trash. I make sure to live with a very happy woman. And she keeps telling me how brilliant I am, “he laughed.