The practice of getting rid of illusions (D. Rapson, K. English)

Sam Keen. «Fire in the belly»

We have already seen how the experience of anxious attachment creates in good people a deep need for security and support. They dream of a relationship that will satisfy all their needs: unconditional love, adoration, fantastic sex, constant care and support. At the same time, they unconsciously expect the opposite: ignorance, capriciousness, their full responsibility for the emotional climate (yes, and in the end they will be treated badly, they will be left). These two opposites create a frightening illusion of a relationship that will first turn all dreams into reality, and then break our hearts with one blow.

The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, as well as see their partners for who they are. A person free from illusions will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and the genuine joy of being in a relationship with a loved one.

Before we move on to the tools of this practice, we need to deal with the illusions that we need to get rid of. In this chapter, we will deal with the goddess and the prince. It is important to understand that the goddess and the prince are not living people, they have nothing to do with the female or male sex in general.

The goddess and the prince are creations of the imagination of a glorious man, fantasies that make it difficult to see potential lovers or partners in their true light.

The Good Man and His Ideal

We call the ideal a prince, alluding to the image of a handsome prince from fairy tales. So many women hope that one day a prince will appear in front of them to save them from all the problems and difficulties. Generally speaking, the prince is the idealization of all men, but this image comes to life when the romantic fantasies of a nice girl are focused on one person. For men, the image of the goddess is better suited. This is also a subconscious idealization that is projected onto any woman that a Nice Guy falls in love with.

Let’s take an example. Joe tells Sally that he would like to go away with Carl for the whole weekend. She replies that it’s great for him, of course, but the next three couples of days off are not suitable, because her daughter will have important competitions — and other school events … And she also would not want Joe to take care of his weekends until the end of the summer, because the kitchen needs to be renovated. Joe is sad and offended at heart, but does not admit it to himself and quickly agrees with his wife. He apologizes for forgetting about the competition. On Friday, Sally tells her husband that her two best friends are calling her to nature and it is very important for her to go. Joe does not mind that she will go alone. He helps her gather herself and kisses her goodbye. Deep down, Jo regrets that she is leaving, but at the same time is relieved that she will not be. When Sally returns, Joe helps her unpack and then listens to her stories for a couple of hours. Three days later, he tells her that he would also like to go away for the weekend. She asks why he doesn’t just do it, adding that she is tired of his indecisiveness and would like him to learn how to manage his own life. Joe defends himself, but mentally agrees that his wife is much more independent and decisive than him. He is depressed and feels like a rag.

Joe has an image of a goddess in his head. When Sally says that the next three weeks off are busy, he hears not her, but the goddess. If he does not appease her, or, worse, anger her, she will consider him unworthy. This sends us straight to anxious attachment. Unworthiness equals coldness, which equals the rejection of sex, which equals the rejection of love, which equals loneliness. It remains only to make a sacrifice to the goddess and abandon plans to go with Karl.

Why is Joe so afraid to ask Sally for the weekend? Because he is not talking to a female Sally (although a female Sally may willingly play the role of a goddess), he prostrates himself at the feet of the goddess. The one in whose hands Jo’s happiness is, demands worship.

Loyalty to the ideal

Joe is fanatically faithful to the image of the goddess created by his imagination. His fragile self-esteem rises and falls into the abyss depending on how Sally evaluates him. He does not even imagine what it is like to be free from this addiction and seek confidence and peace within himself. Here are a few signs that a person has created an ideal image in his imagination.

For lonely people

• The expectation to find in the person you meet one day a lot of merit.
• Focusing on dreams about a person you barely met, rather than a real relationship with him.
• «Polite» denial of responsibility for the relationship during courtship: expectation that decisions will be made by the partner.

For couples

• Unconscious ignoring the inappropriate behavior of a partner.
• Willingness to constantly take the partner’s point of view, defending his position and fully sharing his motivation.
• Constant worries about what your partner thinks and feels.

These signs can appear in a variety of situations, depending on the severity of the obsession with your ideal. Imagine a woman «in love» with a man she barely knows, playing scenes of joint happiness in her imagination, and as a result becoming furious because he did not reciprocate her. Why not a nice girl with an imaginary prince?

What’s wrong with falling in love at first sight? Isn’t this intoxicating feeling familiar to all lovers? Maybe so, but nice people become obsessed with every new relationship.

Love at first sight is to nice people what drinking with friends is to an alcoholic: they cannot stop because instead of a real person they see a prince or a goddess.

The pernicious consequences of idealization

If a person imagines the image of a prince or goddess, his fantasies or silence can lead to disastrous consequences. Below is a typical diagram of the destructive impact of idealization. Breaking out of this circle can be difficult.

Destructive Ideal

The harm caused by idealization can be quite significant — from the inability to start a relationship to problems in sex and broken marriages.

• Causes stress.
• Damages self-esteem.
• Impairs emotional healing.
• Reduces the likelihood of genuine intimacy.
• Increases the risk of infidelity.

Day after day, the bad habits of a nice person—swallowing anger, constantly apologizing, deceiving oneself by explaining the actions of a loved one—cause great harm to relationships. And in combination with the negative emotions of a partner — irritability, condemnation, coldness, contempt — you will get an excellent environment for rising tension and a drop in self-esteem.

Recovery from negative emotions is given to nice people with difficulty, because they are constantly concentrating on their imaginary ideal, often forgetting about themselves. A man who works sixty hours a week, neglects his health or does not find time to meet with friends — and all this in the name of his girlfriend or wife — is a nice guy who bows to the goddess. He may be unhappy, depressed or dissatisfied, but this does not matter as long as the goddess favors him.

Getting out of a turbulent or dying relationship is extremely difficult for nice people, because they are not only afraid of losing their lover, they are afraid of the prospect of parting with the ideal. Nice people create an idol for themselves to calm the effects of anxious attachment. They hope to get the love that they lacked in childhood. Therefore, every time they go through a breakup with a loved one, they feel abandoned. This terrible feeling ingrained in them tightly. Nice people can do things out of desperation, parting with a loved one. No wonder they don’t believe friends who tell them, «Of course it hurts, but it’s not the end of the world.»

Intimacy

Although nice people dream of real intimacy, they are not very capable of it. Nice people want to be intimate with their lover, but they are afraid of traveling to the unknown land of ultimate honesty, which is at the very center of intimacy. They are convinced that honesty comes with a huge risk of losing the favor of their ideal. And they are right. When a glorious person sees the real face of an imaginary prince or goddess, the spell will break. This is how disillusionment begins.

Nice people try to act in a way that feels like intimacy: bringing flowers home, washing dishes, wondering how their lover’s day went, trying to be considerate lovers. All of this is great, but it is no substitute for loving honesty between two people—the honesty necessary for trust and intimacy.

The essence of intimacy is honesty.

Creating an ideal interferes with the emergence of honesty in many ways, forcing you to hide both everyday little things and really important things. Joe could have said to Sally, “I’d love to hear your story about the trip, but I’ve been painting the walls all day and I’m pretty tired. Give me twenty minutes for a hot shower and I’m all yours.» But he did not do this, because he felt his duty to the angry goddess — and after two hours of listening to stories, he was overwhelmed with resentment.

The same dark tricks are performed by imaginary goddesses and princes in bed. If a person cannot speak frankly about sex with their partner for fear of angering their ideal (and the bedroom is one of the most sacred places of idol worship), intimacy becomes impossible.

Infidelity

Nice people are often prone to treason, both as perpetrators and as victims, and the main reason, again, is an imaginary ideal. Add to this the devastating effects of constant nervous tension, low self-esteem, inability to cope with emotions and an inability to truly intimacy — and you will understand why. The thought of loneliness terrifies the glorious people who cling to their princes and goddesses. But if the relationship is falling apart, and the partner despises them — and no one wants to talk about it — it is logical to expect betrayal from one side or another. If passions run high, a nice person can find an outlet in the search for a new ideal, in order to replace the current one if necessary. But even more likely, the Nice Person’s partner will convince himself that it’s okay to have a «backup» relationship to satisfy some needs.

Dance with an idol

Dancing glorious people with their deities begins even before they meet a potential lover. When a nice girl meets a man matching the description, she crowns him. At this moment, the protection systems are turned off, and she ceases to see a real person with all his weaknesses and shortcomings.

Let’s see what kind of dance she does.

Jane wants a man who will appreciate everything she does for him: how she praises him, how she listens to him, how she pleases him in bed. Jane wants to put Lewis on a pedestal to worship him in exchange for the love, loyalty, and confidence she needs. She wants him to take care of her.

Lewis desires a woman who will idolize him, adore him and worship him. He wants her to be smart, fun, sexy, and strong enough to be able to make decisions on her own. At the same time, Lewis is afraid of becoming henpecked and wants to constantly control everything.

Note that some of their desires are quite justified and healthy, while the other part is not. But when you mix them up, you get a recipe for big problems. At first, Jane and Lewis get along well. She wanted worship, he wanted worship, and everything is going according to plan. She gets sex for being a cool girl. He constantly hears how wonderful he is. But sooner or later he wants to feel her steel character, but instead he will stumble upon cotton candy. At this point, his respect for her will begin to erode.

Responsibility for this destructive dance is not always shared equally. A nice girl can meet a more or less adequate man, but if her intention to make a prince out of him is strong enough, sooner or later she will be able to make him become that bastard. And a nice guy with a powerful imaginary image of a goddess can turn a normal woman into a witch. Nice people can go into unconscious panic or rage if they feel like their partner’s love isn’t always there for them, but even then they won’t admit they’re missing something. They can also shy away from making any decisions, transferring all responsibility to their partners — in the name of their convenience or happiness. As a result, Hera turns into a vixen, and the prince into a very ugly toad.

It also happens that nice people choose dominant partners who may not like being involved in a destructive cycle. In the example above, Lewis is hardly a good partner. Even if Jane becomes a transforming woman, Lewis is likely to mistake her strength for trying to command him, and her vulnerability for spinelessness.

Killing an idol

The practice of disillusionment involves the eradication, destruction and lamentation of the belief system associated with the creation of an idol. Here is a list of methods for disillusionment (followed by a detailed explanation of each):

• the realization of a desperate belief that the love of a goddess or a prince will make you happy;
• mindfulness practice;
• attention to one’s own voice;
• choosing to believe in oneself instead of depending on a goddess or prince;
• fitting on yourself;
• practice of mercy.

Desperate Faith

At the heart of creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction. Of course, this is far from reality.

In this case, there is not and cannot be true love or fate sent by heaven. No real person will make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people helping us along the way—friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers, and mentors—but it is up to us to meet our own needs.

This truth is difficult to accept. At first, we resist her by invoking habitual thoughts: «If I’m nice enough, she’ll give me everything I need.»

We must remind ourselves over and over that no one can fill the void in our heart.

Mindfulness Practice

Mindfulness is the main tool for the practice of getting rid of illusions. Having learned to pay attention to thoughts about the ideal image, transforming people should be careful: do not forget that other thoughts return “from the other world” — especially thoughts familiar from childhood. Giving them up is much more difficult than stopping eating chocolate or watching pornography, quitting smoking or reading women’s novels, because the ideal image lives in the thoughts and feelings of a glorious person. He even helps me get up in the morning (“Maybe today I will meet the love of my life!”).

Therefore, whenever thoughts inspired by the ideal image return, they should be pulled out into the light for a comprehensive examination in order to see the emotions hidden behind them. Mindfulness will allow you to dampen thoughts and emotions when they decide to reappear.

Paying attention to your own voice

As the goddess and prince retreat, the transforming people begin to trust themselves more. This is worth the wait! A transforming person hearing his own voice for the first time can learn a lot. The man suddenly comes to the conclusion that he has his own style of dressing, the woman realizes that she needs to spend more time alone, and both of them realize that their personal goals do not always have to be hostages of the interests of marriage.

One of the joys of becoming a transforming person is being able to feel real masculinity or confident femininity from knowing what you want, regardless of your partner’s needs.

Learning to hear your voice takes time and a combination of several practices: mindfulness (the easier we notice «glorious» thoughts, the better we hear our true voice), brotherhood (at first our voice will be timid and unintelligible, and we will need the help and support of friends), solitude (perhaps for the first time we will have to speak in our own defense) and, finally, the practices of the warrior, because relying on ourselves can be scary and we will need perseverance.

Trying on yourself

Nice people in relationships have a hard time imagining what it’s like to be free from the service of a prince or goddess. In describing the practice of the warrior, we gave the example of a baseball player getting used to a new bat, although he is very uncomfortable at first. In the following example, Chelsea «try on» self-confidence.

Chelsea wants to get her PhD to fulfill her dream of teaching at a university. Her husband Dan supported this decision in words, but in fact continues to rely on her financial support, trying to earn money playing in a group.

Chelsea says to Dan, «I’d like to talk to you about plans for my education.» Dan replies, «Of course, let’s talk over the weekend.» Usually the conversation ended there, and Chelsea walked away upset and offended, knowing that there would be no conversation on the weekend.

This time, Chelsea has decided to act like she believes in herself. She said, “No, Dan, we always say that, but it never comes down to planning. We are both free now, and I would like you to help me.» Dan replies, «Can’t this wait? I thought we’d watch a movie today.» But Chelsea doesn’t back down: «You can’t keep postponing, it’s too important for me. I’d like you and me to sit down and make a plan.»

Chelsea spoke casually, as if it didn’t really matter. But she had already lived five years with Dan (and before that — twenty-seven with the image of a prince in her head) and for the first time decided to insist on her own. This is very important to her. It’s unusual and uncomfortable, but Chelsea does it anyway. Perhaps Dan will see it behind the mask of everyday life. It is possible that he will notice her perseverance and even enjoy the unexpected display of power, agreeing to help with the planning. Or he will test her determination for strength. After all, he is already used to getting his own when Chelsea give up. Nevertheless, Chelsea calmly continues to insist until they sit down to discuss.

Chelsea is bluffing. She will pretend to believe in herself until she actually does. The more often this happens, the faster she will get used to it. After all, she won’t even have to prepare for these kinds of conversations because she’ll get used to having her needs respected and met.

Dan will also get used to the idea and start believing that Chelsea can take care of themselves. It will even bring him a fair amount of relief. He won’t have to feel vaguely guilty about not making Chelsea happy anymore, because she’s pretty independent now. He will even find that he can argue with Chelsea’s plans and she will hear his arguments — and still take care of herself and her interests. So, there is no more reason to hide the insult!

Of course, there is a possibility that the conversation will not go so smoothly. Perhaps Chelsea have already prepared for the scandal and will not give Dan time to get used to her new behavior. Just like a baseball player who doesn’t like a new grip can freak out and hit hard. Chelsea is able to interrupt Dan and loudly declare that she needs to talk to him right now and damn it, he will have to deal with it! Do not forget that nice people are full of accumulated resentment, so when they begin to release it, they may initially overdo it out of habit.

There are other reasons why unexpected self-defense can lead to a scandal. Perhaps Dan began dating Chelsea precisely because he needed a girl to patronize. He may not like the new, confident Chelsea. In this case, Chelsea have a tough road ahead of them through rethinking their relationship with Dan. This can be a very difficult decision, but it is only one of the routes along the path to transformation.

And a little more about Chelsea and Dan. In our example, Chelsea decided to act on her own without discussing anything with Dan. Sometimes this is good. But if your couple has a good relationship, the desire to change is worthy of discussion. In this case, Chelsea and Dan would have had time to talk about what changes await them. In the beginning, it doesn’t hurt people who are transforming to say outright that they’re going to stand their ground. Over time, both will understand that the process is with mutual consent.

Mercy practice

In the chapter on the practice of brotherhood, we talked about the need for mercy. It is also important in the practice of getting rid of illusions — not only for our partners, but also for ourselves. Couples trying to build new relationships are like figure skating partners taking to the ice for the first time. There will be many falls and many bruises. It takes patience, forgiveness, and a sense of humor to get up again and keep learning.

Mourning for the Goddess

In the chapter on the practice of retreat, we talked a lot about the emotions that will be stirred up by increased awareness and understanding of what it is like to be a nice person. Fear, anger and sadness can all lift their heads from this realization. Self-pride, joy, and jubilation may also appear. But if the practice of solitude was a spoon that could shake everything up, then the practice of getting rid of illusions is more like a stick used to stir up a hornet’s nest. Emotions will be strong, for when the goddess dies, it is time for mourning.

When transforming people truly understand that no prince, no goddess will ever come to make their lives better, they can experience feelings ranging from relief to guilt, from joy to anguish. All the practices we have learned will be required to endure this stormy sea of ​​emotions: mindfulness to understand and notice feelings; seclusion to make time and space for experiences; warrior practice to contain emotions; brotherhood that will support us; family practice to understand where all these emotions come from.

It is also important not to get carried away with suffering over the death of an idol. Some good people take pleasure in diving into their misery, blaming and punishing themselves for believing in the illusion for so long. Part of mindfulness practice is about making sure that emotions don’t get too strong.

It’s important to take care of yourself, give breaks: play sports, watch good movies, meditate, relax and read the newspaper, etc.

However, there are benefits to surviving the death of an idol. Once the object of worship is buried and properly mourned, the burial site becomes an extremely fertile site in the heart of the transforming person. Relationships that grow on this soil will be stronger, more flexible and full of life.

Another love — real men and women

It is clear to see a loved one

When an idol dies under the influence of the disillusionment practice, the transforming people get the opportunity to see their boyfriends and girlfriends, lovers and lovers, husbands and wives more clearly. This can be a difficult test for those who have worn rose-colored glasses all their lives. As soon as they are removed, it turns out that those cute things that she does when she is always late (and he apologizes for both!), Are not so cute. And she suddenly realizes that he hurts her, the situation does not improve and he ceases to be attractive to her. Or he realizes that no matter how glorious he is, there will be no more sex.

Nice people often ask themselves questions: “What else can I do for a loved one?”, “How can I help?”, “Should I buy roses on the way home?”. These are perfectly normal questions. But if you are a transforming person, they will be added: “Do I receive as much as I give?”, “Do I feel mutual respect and support?”.

And if the answer to these questions is “No”, then the next question would be: «Wants will he change? and «Will be able will he change?». To find answers to these questions, asking may not be enough, it will take time, courage, discussions and mutual agreements. And it may turn out that you live with a person who only creates problems for you and is not going to change.

Is my partner right for me?

To see your loved one clearly, you must first look at yourself and find dissatisfaction and anger. Here, the comparison with rose-colored glasses does not fit, because the emotions that affect a person’s judgment cannot be removed as simply as glasses. Rather, it will be necessary to recognize that we have filters, find out more about them and make adjustments accordingly.

supervision

Fortunately, being able to see clearly doesn’t just lead to sad revelations about your partner’s shortcomings. The ideal image of a prince or goddess makes it difficult to notice the dignity of real men and women. For example, a transforming woman may feel guilty about repeatedly trying to put her boyfriend on a pedestal. Whether she loved an invented image or felt contempt for a living person for not meeting her expectations, she did not see his real one. He may be the best man in the world, but without the ability see him, she simply did not notice his virtues.

When the veil falls, the man finds a real woman next to him, making his heart beat faster. Its shortcomings and advantages become more noticeable and more important. Perhaps his wife has a scar somewhere. Can the scar itself be beautiful? Most probably not. But doesn’t a scar enhance the beauty of the surrounding skin? And there is. A scar is a reminder of pain, survival, and experience. The transforming person is ready to appreciate the depth of meaning.

Dark side

Each person has his own dark side, a hidden place where pain and fear live, created by pettiness, revenge, insecurity and other character traits that harm others and ourselves. Nice people carefully hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it.

Interestingly, the process of exploring the dark side awakens exactly the qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness, and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength, and calmness. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it came from: this is the place in the soul that got the most. This pain needs to be taken care of, like a small child who has hit and wants to be petted, distracted, played with, joked about, in short, to be loved. As we become able to empathize with our dark side, transformation accelerates.

The same applies to a loved one. Applying the practice of getting rid of illusions, we begin to notice the dark side in a loved one. But now, having become warriors, we already know how to handle difficult emotions and are able to be independent. We understand that our emotions are only ours, and the partner’s emotions belong only to him.

There is a special beauty in how a person struggles with his dark side, entering into the process of transformation. There will be difficult victories, there will be defeats. The difference in how we see loved ones without the intrusive presence of an imaginary ideal is similar to the difference between paint and wood stain: the paint hides the texture of the wood, and the stain emphasizes it, making each fragment unique.

Make an effort

For the success of the practice of getting rid of illusions, we advise the following:

• Work consciously with your partner. If you’re in a relationship, tell him, «I’m going to work on this and I need your support.»
• Meditate.
• Work with the body (acupuncture, martial arts, yoga, any sports or fitness will do). Anxiety and imaginary ideals live not only in your heart and head, but in your entire body.
• See a therapist or psychologist. There is no better or safer place to get rid of illusions.

Consider keeping a diary. Write down everything related to your ideal. If you like, you can title it «Journal of Change», «Goddess Go Away», or «Entrance Only for Frogs». This diary may include conversations and incidents when your imagination took over. Or vice versa — when you behaved like a transforming person. Write down how you felt — shame or pride, compassion or anger. The diary is well suited for revelations and discoveries. And with it, you can travel in time: in a year you will read your notes and say: “Wow, a year ago I was a fan of an idol, and now I’m practically free!”

New life

The practice of getting rid of illusions is the best way to free the transforming person from many anxieties. After the death of a prince or goddess, you no longer need to adapt to the world of your beloved, and life turns a new side. Like a groundhog crawling out of a hole and squinting in the sunlight, you look around and ask: what will happen next?

Pleasant emotions, which were so lacking before, will arise with enviable regularity. The practice of solitude also leads to this, and the practice of getting rid of illusions strengthens this process. Happiness comes in spite of loneliness. For a person who was once glorious, the feeling of enjoying life can be completely new. Self-doubt recedes after anxiety, and you suddenly find yourself saying and doing things that you never even dared to dream about before. Then you will think: “I just did not give myself offense, and this did not seem unusual to me. I didn’t even get angry!»

On the fertile soil of life without illusions, like a flower, the fullness of sensations sprouts. Without the commanding presence of a goddess or a prince, love is freed from the impurities of anxiety and guilt. Sex becomes more pleasant, easier, more fun and much more intimate. The anxiety that had short-circuited the Nice Man’s communication system had receded, and now head, heart, and body were once again united. And another fruit of getting rid of illusions, less vivid than the fullness of sensations, but more rare and refined, is intimacy.

Integrity

Disillusionment is the sixth of the seven practices, and although we write about them in a specific order, they can be applied simultaneously or separately. Wholeness practice is next in our book. You will learn how to blend these intoxicating ingredients into an exquisite drink that represents the life of a transforming person.