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One of the most difficult human experiences is often broken down into stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This is in theory, but in fact, everyone experiences grief differently, and it never goes without a trace. But still, we need to learn how to cope with it in order to live on.
Dealing with loss is incredibly difficult. We all have had to lose loved ones, relationships, health, jobs. Every time we seem to break into pieces and lose the usual integrity. Chaos settles in thoughts and emotions.
Despair, denial, anger, and fear are all parts of grief. It is often described as a kind of linear process, where a person moves sequentially from emotion to emotion and comes to acceptance. But in fact, everyone experiences loss differently. Is it possible to somehow influence this?
How to bounce back after a loss
Grief is a natural response to loss. Usually we associate it with the death of loved ones, but any shocks — past, present, small, big — deserve to be mourned.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with change. Suppressed grief will not go anywhere — if the feelings are not lived, we cannot let go of the loss. If we forbid ourselves to grieve, mental wounds do not heal: it’s like trying to walk with a broken leg. During such periods, it is more important than ever to take care of physical and mental health.
1. Admit it above
Suppressed grief constantly reminds of itself and deprives the ability to be here and now. Worse, if not allowed to come out, it will manifest itself in anxiety, depression or addiction. The recognition of grief is a tribute to loss. It confirms that it is significant, just like ourselves.
2. Give yourself time
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Depending on the severity of the loss, it can last for months or years — until we fully «digest» what happened. This is a reversible process: the pain either subsides or increases, and the emotions that seemed to have passed come back again. But the more you listen to your own emotions, the better you can understand what happened and connect this experience with your life.
3. Feel sorry for yourself
Loss, weighed down by guilt or regret, slowly undermines our «I» and makes us ashamed of events that cannot be changed. With self-compassion, we forgive ourselves for everything we could not control, and feel whole again. We are being treated and therefore we should be kinder to ourselves.
4. Connect with people
If we are seen, heard and accepted by those who have experienced this, we can accept ourselves. During the hour of loss, it’s especially important to connect with people in grief-focused groups to help you feel less alone. Rapprochement with others and belonging to society restores peace of mind.
5. Realize that you have changed
The loss of loved ones leaves an indelible mark on our souls: holidays, birthdays, anniversaries — nothing will be the same. As much as we would like to return everything, it is impossible. We can only come to terms with grief and loss, and although we will never be the same again, this is normal.
Grief and depression
When we grieve, the desire to eat, sleep, take care of ourselves disappears. This is quite natural. However, if over time the pain does not let go, and sometimes it intensifies and does not allow you to live normally, it may have developed into depression. Accumulated suffering and associated stressors increase the risk of developing clinical depression.
Her signs:
lack of interest in almost all activities that previously brought pleasure;
feeling of exorbitant guilt, not related to the loss;
daily or almost daily fatigue and loss of strength, persistent sleep disturbances;
inability to think and concentrate, indecision;
slurred speech or movements visible to others;
significant weight loss or gain without diets and appetite surges;
obsessive thoughts about death or suicidal ideation.
Unlike grief, depression is consuming and affects all areas of life: at home, at work, at school. It also causes tremendous damage to self-esteem. Emotional pain, previously focused on the loss, turns into a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. When we are depressed, we think we are completely broken, not just broken.
If you find yourself with at least one of the listed signs, consult a doctor as soon as possible and remember that you are not alone. Call a helpline if you or someone close to you is having suicidal thoughts.
To grieve is to be human
The pain of loss can be too sharp, sometimes unbearable, but people need to grieve. Grief is woven into the fabric of human life, and others share with us collective, family, and personal loss. We grieve because love has been given to us. Having known the pain of loss, we must remember that only a broken heart that has known sadness can truly love.
Grief becomes a burden if you don’t try to manage it. We are able to recognize and overcome loss, which means we are able to reassemble ourselves piece by piece.
About the author: Patrick Testa is a psychiatrist and behavioral coach.