The power of attraction: why differences are not a hindrance to love?

Wedding 23-year-old Lena and Sniper celebrated modestly. Although Lena’s father, the owner of a network of hairdressers, insisted: a limousine, a restaurant, a concert for guests. But Lena «beat off» the option with a picnic — a guitar, an unpretentious treat and the closest ones. I did not want to embarrass the groom, who worked at the local research institute. By the way, he was nicknamed a «sniper» at school — either for strabismus, or for the habit of «running» with his eyes in moments of excitement.

With Lena they were classmates, but almost did not communicate. After school, they entered to study: he is a physics student, she is a journalist. We met again by chance — at a conference where she was doing a story for the news. We talked at the buffet. She complained about the cynicism of her colleagues, the intrigues and “tackling” of her boss. He spoke about the search for the Higgs boson, correspondence with Nobel laureate Alexei Abrikosov, and pranks of laboratory assistants. And the next day she called and offered to meet.

Six months later, relatives and friends learned the news: the young people were getting married. Arrangements have begun. Multi-stage plans were developed on how to «open the eyes» of Lena, to protect her from a «huge mistake». Didn’t save.

They tried not to talk about Lenin’s marriage in her family. But they vigilantly followed her mood, and when she looked tired, as if by chance they started talking about a lonely acquaintance. Divorced, please. Money, appearance — everything is with him. I would make my beloved rich, but only bitches come across. Lena listened and was silent: she wanted to go home.

Mystery of Choice

Lena is embarrassed when she is asked a direct question: why is he? But it looks like she’s used to it. At first I was lost, argued, offended. And now she has even worked out a system: each curious person has her own legend. Girlfriends — that the husband is a promising shot, working on a secret project. Grandparents — «bewitched, probably.» To my mother, who is fond of astrology, “they matched according to natal charts.”

Only for herself, Lena seems to have no explanation. Before that meeting at the conference, it seemed to her that she was interested in completely different men. Andrey (Sniper’s real name) didn’t do anything that her former boyfriends did: he didn’t flirt, he didn’t play with his muscles, he didn’t try to casually show the edge of an expensive watch from under the cuff. And they did not seem to have common topics for conversation. And yet she felt right away: it was good with him …

If no understandable interest, no clear reason explains a love meeting, this only emphasizes the irrational side of attraction, says psychoanalyst Sophie Kadalen.

“A couple is always something mysterious. When we have a lot in common, it’s easy to justify a choice, she muses. “But if love arises against rational grounds, it is both fascinating and frightening.

Fascinating, because we understand: here it is, fate! Frightening — because it happens contrary to plans and expectations.

Invisible connections

If love does not take into account reasonable arguments, this does not mean that it has no logic. “Opposites converge because they only seem to be opposites,” explains family therapist Robin Skinner in The Family and How to Survive It (Klass, 2016). “In fact, people find each other thanks to the similarity, moreover, the similarity of the families in which they grew up.”

According to Skinner, we unconsciously gravitate towards those in whom we recognize signs of significant people and hints of close family experience. He came to this conclusion after doing an exercise he invented many times: he gathered men and women who did not know each other in a room and asked them to observe their colleagues in the experiment in silence, and then pair up, still silently. After that, he asked the participants about their family history, and each time it turned out that each partner chose someone whose family was somewhat similar to his own. For example, in both families it was customary to restrain emotions or both experienced a loss …

And if families at first glance have nothing in common? Andrei’s father left home when he was five years old. The boy grew up with his mother — he took care of her, did everything around the house, looked after her when she was sick. Lena had a smartphone of the latest model at school. Andrei went with an old push-button Nokia: his mother needed money for medicines. Lena grew up in a complete family, she never needed anything — she only lacked the attention of her father, who was busy and tried to compensate for the absence with gifts.

According to Robin Skinner, we look at each other not only with our own eyes, but also with the eyes of children who are hiding inside the «adult» shell.

Love expresses not only admiration for the beauty and intelligence of a partner, recognition of his talents, but first of all the desire to receive from him what we once had or wanted to have. And if we are drawn to something mysterious in another, perhaps this is what we have been denied. Whether it is attention, closeness, a sense of security, or the certainty that the object of love will always be there.

Break with the script

Loving someone of a different «type» can be a challenge to oneself, one’s own relationship history.

“His big black eyes immediately attracted me like a magnet,” says 43-year-old Elizabeth. — But I immediately began to convince myself not to continue the acquaintance: he was not my type, a short brunette of a Mongoloid appearance, and besides, ten years younger than me. I told myself we couldn’t do anything. Mansour was the opposite of all my past passions.»

Only later, in the psychoanalyst’s office, Elizabeth realizes the connection between a series of painful meetings and partings and a new love in the face of Mansur. She was tired of infantile men — and decided to break the vicious circle. Now they have been together for three years.

“A certain type, to which we are systematically drawn, is often a way to stay in the first relationship,” emphasizes psychoanalyst Monique David-Ménard. — Many of my clients, even when they change the object of love, know that nothing really changes, and that’s what they come to talk about: something was missing in their relationship with one of their parents — that’s what they are looking for in another person . They give meaning to the need for protection and / or the belief that they can give protection to a loved one, because they are convinced that one of the parents they deeply lacked.

Therefore, love for an atypical, unknown, unpredictable Other may be an indicator that we have finally matured. It may mean that we no longer need to play the same scenario, to be correct, accommodating, comfortable. We can take the risk of novelty.

“On the one hand, we always want security, and on the other hand, something new attracts us,” says psychologist Rimma Maksimova. “I can choose a new one if I have the inner strength to cope with anxiety and sacrifice safety.”

This sacrifice can be decisive, because some of us find it safe to have relationships that bring them pain — if this pain is familiar to them. If in our personal history love was associated with violence, deceit and coldness, then next to someone who does not give us these feelings, but, on the contrary, tries to take care and protect us, we may initially experience severe anxiety. But the willingness to experience it opens the way for us to new ways of relationships.

But what about the difference in mentality, habits, life experience? The devil, as you know, is in the details, and over time they can turn into annoying thorns. According to Rimma Maksimova, this is an additional challenge for relations, but not the main one.

“If we distinguish well between thoughts and feelings, if we are able to separate our feelings and opinions from what is really happening, we do not impose rules on our partner, but we try to take into account his wishes and, most importantly, we can discuss differences with each other, find a solution that is convenient for both — then the relationship will work, ”explains the psychologist.

By choosing partners who are similar to us or to those with whom we have met before, we avoid risks. But sometimes, to find happiness, you need to get off the beaten track and trust your inner voice.

time tested

Press gossip, bewilderment of fans, conflicts with family… These celebrities endured everything and proved: true love is more important than conventions.