Deception hurts us and most often leads to unpleasant consequences. Even we try to close our eyes to lies, inside there is resentment, a feeling of insecurity, a desire to inflict reciprocal pain. What to do if a loved one told us a lie? How to build a relationship with him? We publish “instructions” for the deceived.
Think about yourself
The very first step that needs to be taken in this situation is to understand your own feelings, to realize them. Start with a little research and answer a few questions.
Do you now feel your own peace, if so, to what extent? How do you feel about cheating? Is this particular deception critical to you? Are you ready to understand and forgive a loved one or is this unacceptable for you? What emotions are you experiencing? Is it fear, resentment, anger, a desire to deceive in response or to hurt in the same way? What do you want from your partner?
When answering, you can use a pen and paper: this will relieve excess tension. Based on the results of such a mini-research, you will better understand yourself and your attitude towards your partner.
Talk to the one who deceived you
The main mistake is to start a conversation with accusations and criticism. We often conjecture situations, imagine the worst. But maybe a loved one met with your pretty friend, not because he wanted a love affair, but because they thought through the details of a surprise party in honor of your birthday?
In the case of deception, the partner is likely to experience an internal conflict, perhaps even a crisis. He is afraid to tell you the truth for his own personal reasons. Maybe he does not want to offend you or stumble upon a destructive, critical reaction. Perhaps he is ashamed of the perfect act. However, both positions are far from what is accepted in harmonious partnerships.
It is important for you to find a resource in yourself in order to enter into a healthy interaction with a partner. Try to assume that he didn’t do what he did to hurt you. He himself is now in a difficult situation.
Enter into dialogue boldly, but act delicately. Describe your emotions when you found out about the deception
Describe how your feelings unfolded when you realized what had happened. Don’t blame, don’t criticize; just talk about your feelings, reactions and experiences.
Share how you feel when you find yourself in situations that you feel are unsafe. If it hurts too much to deal with these feelings, be honest about it. This will be the first step towards an open and healthy relationship in the future.
Before the conversation, there may be a fear of the unknown: what will be the reaction of the partner? Perhaps he will continue to lie and devalue your feelings: “Well, what are you inventing for yourself? Forget! This is nonsense and I don’t want to talk about it.”
This is a signal that the partner is not ready for an honest interaction. And this, in turn, will be another reason for you to think about and discuss: what kind of relationship format is desirable for you? Are you satisfied with the current one?
Maybe you are in a strong dependence on your partner – financially or emotionally? Or maybe your bold step will be an invitation for your partner to open up, to share what prompted him to deceive?
What’s next?
An open dialogue will bring more clarity to your relationship. You will be able to express yourself and your feelings and invite your partner into an honest relationship. But remember that any relationship is always 50% + 50%. You will make your contribution, and then your partner’s move is already expected.
Is your partner ready for an honest relationship? In my practice, I regularly make sure that all people want exactly this, however, alas, not everyone is ready for them, not everyone knows how to build them, many “break down” into habitual scenarios of behavior. Therefore, it is necessary to focus not so much on words as on specific actions of a loved one.
About the Developer
Margarita Bogdanova – clinical psychologist. Her .