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If you are more interested in relationships, invest more in them, then it is easy to guess: the power does not belong to you, but to your partner. Where does weak emotional involvement come from and is it possible to “warm up” the interest of the second half?
To be involved means to show your interest in relationships, to emotionally engage and immerse yourself in them, to feel their intimacy and privacy. All of us, of course, are different in temperament: some are emotional and open, others are rational and restrained. It is not surprising that the degree of immersion in relationships is different for us.
The real problem arises when there is a significant skew in emotional input. For example, a partner was initially not interested in a relationship and therefore invests less attention and time in communication. Or, at the beginning of the relationship, he was involved in them, and then interest disappeared due to falling in love on the side. At the same time, he can continue to invest in relationships out of a sense of duty, not realizing that such an approach will be read by a partner and will greatly affect his self-esteem.
Relationships where the give-and-take balance is disturbed cannot be called healthy.
The more interested partner, often emotionally dependent, becomes angry. He bestows attention, sacrifices his needs, compromises with himself to keep the person he loves. But he takes such care for granted and does not particularly appreciate it.
It is difficult for a less interested partner to refuse the advantages of a position: after all, they are valued! He always has someone at hand if he wants responsiveness, emotional response, support, adoration or tenderness. At the same time, he may be aware that he is hurting and feel guilty for receiving great benefits, since the relationship is built on his terms. By staying in a relationship, he feeds the other’s hope for the viability of the union.
When the balance is off
In addition to the lack of interest in a partner, there may be other reasons for poor engagement:
- Incomplete relationship with a former partner. Hence, a reduced emotional background, a depressive state, a lack of desire or an arousal disorder, which do not allow relationships to develop and bring satisfaction.
- Counterdependent behavioral habits of one of the partners. In this case, he demonstrates excessive self-sufficiency and outwardly looks as if he does not need anyone. The counterdependent partner uses conflict to create distance and avoid true intimacy. Then he becomes emotionally unavailable for dialogue, exchange and influence and loses the ability to respond to the signals of a loved one.
- Compromise solution. Someone alone in a couple may like the role of a secondary partner, because he does not have the resource and energy to look for “his” person, or he has lost hope of finding him. This option has the right to exist, but cannot last forever. Most men and women, choosing between ease, variety of contacts and depth, prefer close connection, intimacy and understanding.
If an unequal relationship continues for too long, the more interested partners tend to cheat. So they try to maintain the status quo and not change anything. Cheating is a form of retribution for hurt and lack of attention. But this is a bad way to solve the problem. How else can you act?
Recommendations for those who are more interested and want to “spur” a partner
- Develop self-observation. Notice and stop if you become too demanding, critical, overwhelming, or distant.
- Learn to ask your partner for what you need without requiring him to immediately change according to your expectations. Use emotional language, such as “I’d love it if you called” or “I get mad when you avoid talking, don’t say what you really want. I’m lonely, I don’t like to live in fantasy.”
- Try not to make hasty decisions. Unthinking quick reactions, such as outbursts of anger, destroy relationships.
- Get on with your life. Your life is your “flower bed”, your territory. Build friendships, even a budget, separate from your partner, and this independence will bring you a lot of satisfaction.
Recommendations to someone whom the partner reproaches for lack of attention
- Learn to get involved. Believe me, there is no other way. When you feel like you want to pull away, remind yourself that love and intimacy is important to you, you are just afraid of it. And then it will be easier for you to overcome fear and stay in emotional contact with your communication partner.
- Talk more about yourself and your needs. Silence causes anxiety in a partner. You can say: “I get tired of communication. I need to be alone, digest the impressions. Say how often you would like to talk on “serious topics” and clarify something, and when you will return to the dialogue (in an hour, the next day).
- Learn to openly express dissatisfaction. Involvement in a relationship is hindered by the fact that you suppress anger. You can, for example, answer: “I feel uncomfortable when you ask so many questions”, “I get angry when you write to me so often. I can’t answer that fast.”