Leave in English without saying goodbye? This may be appropriate at a noisy party, but not in a relationship. However, alas, these days this is a fairly common practice, which even has a separate name – “ghosting”. What if they did this to you?
The term “ghosting” comes from the English word ghost, which means “ghost” in translation. Unfortunately, it has become an obnoxious but integral part of dating culture. Of the 1300 participants in a 2018 study, 25% “visited” others, and 20% experienced new partners suddenly disappearing. So, if you have been single for a long time and are in active search, there is a high probability that this has happened to you or you have done this yourself.
What to do if a person suddenly “disappeared from the radar” – stopped answering the phone and answering your messages, but at the same time you know for sure that he is online? Is it worth trying to figure out what’s wrong?
forgive and let go
Relationship expert Marla Mattenson says that if you’ve only been on a couple of dates, or just texted, but never made it to a face-to-face meeting, you shouldn’t persist. “Let the person go – and do it with gratitude. Agree, it is better to face such behavior now than a few months later, when you could have time to fall in love with him. The main thing is to remember that the problem is not with you. Not that you are somehow different or not like that, not good enough or something is wrong with you.
Give him/her time to talk calmly
Another thing is when it comes to established relationships. If the partner “disappeared” for the first time, give him or her time, the expert advises. “Give your partner a “credit of trust”, because anything can really happen in life. When the day has passed, it will be possible to call or write, saying that you are worried if everything is in order with the person.
When the partner gets in touch, it is worth talking with him about this and about your expectations from the relationship. The main thing is to do it “with a cool head”, for example, by venting your anger in a diary in advance or discussing emotions with a therapist.
Think about your own choice
“Remember: if you are “guested” not for the first time, but, say, for the second or third, and your conversations have had no effect, then you allow yourself to be treated this way, ”Mattenson says.
“Think about it – do you really need such a partner? echoes psychologist Carolina Castanos. – Such behavior says a lot about the attitude towards people in general and towards you in particular. And also about the fact that a person may not be able to build close trusting relationships. Decide what you yourself want, who you want to see next to you – and take a decisive step.
Put an end
If the partner disappeared, and you unbearably want to “put an end” so that the final word is yours, you can write to him or her. At the same time, Mattenson advises to refrain from violent accusations.
You can, for example, write: “Hi. We haven’t heard from you for several days, and things won’t work like that. This kind of relationship doesn’t suit me, so let’s release each other from our obligations. You may or may not reply to this message. In any case, all the best to you.”
The expert is sure that such a message can “liberate”, first of all, oneself. That is, turn this page and end the relationship in an environmentally friendly way. “So you kind of say to yourself and the world: I am a whole person, I deserve (deserve) more and I am ready (a) to meet someone who is capable of real intimacy.”