«A mother’s heart is in children, and a child’s is in stone!»
It is customary to say about maternal love that it is holy. But without revealing the negative aspects of motherly love, people will not be able to move towards the truth in the most difficult issues of the relationship between a man and a woman, parents and children. In literature, in cinema, in theatrical performances, much is said about the suffering of children deprived of maternal love, and a thousand times less about the suffering of children under the yoke of excessive maternal love.
In my opinion, people are not deeply aware of the negative significance of excessive maternal love, which breaks the fate and sometimes takes the life of their children, gives rise to many diseases of the woman herself, destroys the family and society. Moreover, many women do not want to hear about it.
What does it mean — excessive, strong motherly love? This is when love for children becomes stronger than love for yourself and for your husband, when children come to the fore in the mother’s value system, and the father, and often the mother herself, are relegated to the background.
There are certain criteria that show the excessiveness of maternal love in a particular family. This is primarily the presence of diseases and the difficult fate of children. Secondly, the lack of realization of the husband, his illness and, most often, alcoholism. Thirdly, the presence of big problems in family relationships. This is what lies on the surface. Further, in society as a whole, a huge number of unrealized men and women also have their roots in excessive motherly love. All this is not a product of my fantasies. Take a closer look around, and you will see a lot of evidence of this.
Is it even possible to call this feeling of a mother love? In fact, there is very little true love in him. Therefore, it would be more correct to call it maternal feeling.
What are the main causes of this harmful feeling?
First and most important: a woman does not realize the meaning of her life and, as a result, the value system is violated.
Not knowing why she came to Earth, a woman often believes that for the birth of children. And it all begins with this delusion — children become the meaning of life.
The second reason is similar problems in parents and grandparents.
That is, as a rule, this problem comes from the depths of the family and is inherited by subsequent descendants.
The third reason is the moral attitudes, religious postulates and traditions of modern society, which make children come first in life.
The problem is aggravated by the fact that “holy motherhood” is embedded by religions in the very depths of beliefs, and this is the basis of the worldview.
The fourth reason is the animal feeling of the female, which took shape in man in a sense of ownership..
The feeling of ownership gives the woman hope for a reciprocal feeling, and the child directly shows reciprocal feelings, and this makes the mother-child bond very strong. All this creates a strong attachment, which often cannot be broken until the end of life. The rarest case when in the nature of a woman there is no sense of ownership directed at her beloved child. This is a high state of spirituality, which is talked about a lot, but often does not have.
The fifth component of maternal feeling is pity.
This is where a lot of trouble comes from. Russian women are very compassionate towards men, and especially towards children. Sacrifice is born out of pity. Pity often replaces the feeling of love. Pity is much easier to show than love, which is why it often replaces love. However, it destroys the one who is pitied, humiliates him, hinders his development. They pity the weak, sick, crippled, fixing them in this state. And the more they pity a person, the more problems he has.
Here are the main causes of this global problem — excessive maternal feelings. Very often they can be found in life, and in almost every family. That’s why we live like this.
Let’s look at one real life example.
A typical family of three is father, mother and son. Wealth is average, parents have a higher education, relations in the family are good: the husband does not drink, does not walk, no one saw quarrels. The child grew up quiet, obedient, studied “normally” at school, did not hang out with companies, did not smoke, did not indulge in drugs.
The parents were pleased with the child and encouraged him for his quiet life — he did not need anything. They did not have more children, so that they could fully provide for one.
According to their connections and financial capabilities, the parents chose an institute for him. He himself didn’t care where to study, especially since everything was paid for, and he didn’t have to work too hard. The student’s parents bought a Zhiguli. Life continued in the same calm mode. When the son wanted to live with a girl, the mother said: «When you get married, then — please, everything should be like people.»
By the end of the institute, the son asked for an imported car. Parents pulled themselves together (mother took a loan from a bank) and gave him a BMW for his birthday.
Where in such a situation, you ask, is the excess maternal love? Well, they spoiled the child a little, and who does not spoil. If parents have the opportunity, then why not let the only child live beautifully? One can argue about incentive measures, but each family decides on its own. Often you can see that children dress better than their parents, have more privileges. But this is a separate issue, although it also concerns excessive parental feelings.
Everything would be fine in this standard situation, but subsequent events make you think. On his birthday, having received a car as a gift, the son crashes into a pole at high speed and dies, and with him three more friends.
The grief of parents who lost their only son cannot be described. And the mother will have to pay off the loan for the car for another five years, remembering every month that this car caused death. Why did this happen? Why is fate so cruel to this woman? «For what?» the mother asks.
With the permission of my parents, I described this incident, without naming any names or the city where it all happened. Let’s try to understand this difficult situation and learn from it. I hope they will help many to understand their problems.
In managing the family, the “first violin” was played by the mother. A purposeful, strong-willed woman solved the main issues in the family, especially when the question of her son arose. For her, he was the main value in life. She insisted on not having a second child, although the World several times brought her very close to solving this issue. The mother completely controlled the life of the family and, in particular, her son.
The father was gentle and calmly carried out the decisions of his wife. And if he objected, as in the case of the last car, he quickly gave up under its pressure. He tried not to argue and long ago resigned himself to such a position, which allowed him to maintain calm relations in the family. But, having taken such a position, the father could not become an authority for his son.
The son, looking at his father, realized early on that such a position was beneficial — the less you argue, the more reward you get, and he began to play by these rules. The mother liked the complaisance of her son, and she encouraged him in every possible way for this. But it is not in vain that there is a saying: «There are devils in the still waters.» Young energy demanded an outlet, and all around were the control and prohibitions of the mother.
And he found a way out: he secretly took up car racing. Not professional, but amateur, with the same crushed and dissatisfied young people who needed self-affirmation. They found sections of the road where there were no police, and drove without any rules — they psychologically needed a way out «beyond the flags» — somewhere they needed to find freedom!
As an eyewitness said, the guy completely changed when he got behind the wheel. He became a different person: aggressive, tough. He, as it were, broke free from the fetters and frolicked, not knowing the danger. When he was traveling with his mother, the speed did not exceed the permitted 60 or 90. And when, after his death, his mother was told that the speed was about 200 km / h, she did not believe: “He never drove at a speed of more than 90!” She did not know her son at all.
His inner world was unknown to his mother. She needed external decency, which he observed. Strong maternal love does not involve frank friendship. It builds relationships in only one direction. And the father was not an authority for the son. The only person the boy was friends with was his grandfather. He, despite the difference in age, was his friend, and when his grandfather died, the boy was very worried and very often went to his cemetery. When his relative asked why he went to the cemetery so often, he replied that he went to talk to his grandfather. He clearly lacked companionship.
The world gave parents a lot of various signs, warning them that not everything is fine with the guy, but strong maternal love is blind. And the stronger it is, the more difficult it is to reach the mother’s consciousness. Therefore, she did not notice the duality of her son’s condition, his double life, the absence of real values in it. Values were violated in her, and therefore she could not objectively assess the situation, and did not hear, did not see warning, prompting signs.
The death of children is always a lesson for parents. Such events are very serious not only for parents, but also for relatives, for the whole family, for the people around them. Unfortunately, more often than not, few people learn from even such hard lessons. People do not learn not only from others, but also from their own mistakes. This is why parents often live longer than their children.
Motherly love creates problems not only because it stands out from the whole spectrum of Love and is put at the forefront. The reason is also that it carries many impurities: a sense of ownership, attachment, selfishness, dissatisfaction; pride, the desire to assert oneself through a child, etc. It turns out that there is very little love in maternal love.
Therefore, it is more correct to call maternal feeling. Let us consider in more detail the components of this feeling, the impurities that make holy love negative.
Its basis is procreation instinctwhich comes from the depths of the animal world. Animals more than humans follow this instinct, more sacrificially, while humans often turn on their reason and suppress the instinct. Therefore, there are times when mothers do not act according to instinct. There was a message on television that a mother was selling her five-month-old baby to pay off debts.
An instinct that is not clouded by consciousness is necessary for the birth of maternal love.
egoistic feeling. The mother sees in the child an extension of herself for her unsolved problems, consciously or unconsciously shifts her problems onto the child. For example, a mother is single, but she wants her daughter to get married and «have a normal family.» The mother herself does not want to work on herself so that a man is nearby or no longer wants to bind herself with the family, and solves this problem through her daughter. There is pure egoism here — the mother greatly complicates the daughter’s creation of a family. Egoism includes the desire to see a helper in a child and with his help secure his old age.
Sense of ownership. As a rule, in the maternal feeling, this component occupies the main position. «My child», «my blood» and the like sounds from the lips of mothers, showing the presence of this harmful feeling.
Women’s love. Yes, it is not uncommon to find subtle or pronounced female feelings for your son. Here unexpressed love for a man is manifested. This feeling can manifest itself not only when a man is not in the family, but also when there is not enough love between the parents or they have a bad relationship. And the woman splashes out on her son all her unspent female love. As a rule, this happens unconsciously, but there are cases of conscious actions, up to the inclination to intimate relationships. The mother consciously or unconsciously does not want her son to marry. And it often happens that in words she says: «It’s time for you to get married,» but in the subconscious it sounds different, and blocks the road.
Women’s unspent energies can manifest themselves to their daughter in a peculiar way — through jealousy. Again, very subtly, imperceptibly or strongly, brightly, preventing the daughter from starting her own family. Many mothers, if they honestly look deep into themselves, can find a manifestation of female feelings.
Quite often, instead of female love or along with it, there is pity. We have already spoken about pity. Indeed, this is a very strong feeling in terms of energy and can do a lot …
And the fifth component of maternal feeling is the brightest and purest. It is she who drives evolution. This is love for a child, as TO THE RESULT OF LOVE OF A MAN AND A WOMAN. This, the main component of maternal love, is not felt and realized by most women. And this is exactly what distinguishes a person from an animal. In a reasonable person, this component should be the main one, and most often it is barely noticeable against the background of all the listed feelings.
And you need to start awakening the holy maternal feeling from understanding the great role of love for a man in a woman’s life! The birth of healthy children and their happy life to a much greater extent depends on the attitude of parents to each other, on their mutual love, and not on external conditions. Without love for a man, true motherhood cannot take place!
It is undisclosed femininity, insufficient love for a man, underestimation of the importance of a couple that gives rise to problems, including motherhood and childhood.
Therefore, if you look closely, you can see that with the birth of a child, as a rule, the power of love between husband and wife weakens. It is believed that the appearance of a child strengthens the family. Yes, responsibility to the family may become stronger, especially for a man, but love most often decreases. The mother shows more and more attention and love to the child, and the husband moves away. Fatigue, difficult everyday problems that arise with the birth of a child, the appearance of a new object of love significantly reduce a woman’s desire for a man, her desire to be a woman. This can be the beginning of the end of happiness in the family and the beginning of a difficult fate for a child.
The reason for this lies in a misunderstanding of the main task of a woman. Not the birth of children, not motherhood is the main task of a woman on Earth, but the disclosure of her essence, the highest qualities of femininity and, thanks to this, the creation of the Space of Love! Everything else is a consequence.
Motherhood is only one of the stages of the disclosure of femininity!
How can a person contribute to the unity of Love with all life? Naturally, by life itself in Love, without dividing it into components. Motherhood is only one of the stages of the disclosure of Love, but by no means a separate, much less its main component.
Pregnancy itself becomes a stage of significant growth of maternal love. And it is natural that she wakes up, as a woman should be ready to perform the functions of a mother. Pregnancy is an important stage in the further disclosure of femininity. This is where you should pay special attention to your husband, show him even more tender and deep feelings, thereby reaching a new level of femininity and creating a stronger and larger Space of Love. In this case, the child is formed in the comfortable conditions of their Space of Love, and then the family is strengthened.
And if a woman focuses on the fetus, pushes the man to the background or does not feel love for him at all, stops sexual relations with him, then the child already in the womb is formed with complications, and the family enters a period of trials.
Here it is necessary to say about the role of men. At such moments, when motherhood awakens in a woman, he also needs to show even more attention, care, love for a woman, strive not to leave her space and give her as many impulses as possible to reveal love. And men most often do not realize this and even more go into business and worries, and even into sprees. Pregnancy, childbirth and the subsequent upbringing of a child are new stages in the disclosure of love for a woman! If a man behaves wisely, then at such a moment he will help a woman become even more feminine.
Quite often, women give birth to a child «for themselves», entering into a relationship with a man without love, only for the birth of a child — this, as a rule, is fraught with complications in the fate of the child. A completely different situation arises when a woman gives birth from a beloved man — a child of love is born, but again, everything can be spoiled by focusing on the child.
When there is no man nearby, all the love, all the unspent energy of a woman is often focused on the child. In this situation, it is very difficult for a child to realize himself in life, save his face and become happy. In this case, he often never leaves the mother’s «mental placenta» until the end of his life.
A single woman needs to pay more attention to herself, to revealing her femininity in order to finish the “school of loneliness” as soon as possible. True love for a child is manifested in the creation of a Couple, and not in focusing love and attention on a child!
Here is a truth that it is desirable for expectant and present mothers to learn.
If the birth is difficult, certain pathologies arise — therefore, something is wrong in the relationship between the parents. The child is sickly, restless — again, the reason must be sought in the relationship of the spouses in the first place. This is the reason, but few people begin to look for it in themselves and in their relationships, more often they find it on the side.
Medicine is often blamed for children’s illnesses. Yes, there are problems there, but the main thing is determined by the relationship between a man and a woman, the quality of their Space of Love!
No problems will penetrate into the strong Space of Love of parents! You must always remember this, look for the reason in yourself and not blame anyone.
You can often see that the second child is born weaker than the first. The main reason for this is the decrease in love between a man and a woman after the birth of the first child. That is, the second child is born in a weaker Space of Love. As a rule, a mother shows even greater care, attention and love to a weaker child, thereby moving even further away from her femininity and from her husband. The spiral of problems begins to unwind and often leads to a tragic end.
A five-year-old daughter said to one woman: “Mom, you love dad more than me, otherwise I will die.” Her mother asks: “What are you talking about? Who told you this? The girl says, «I know.» She died a year later. This case struck me — the World already directly, as they say, on the forehead, told the woman about her problem, but she continued to lead the family to tragedy. But there are always hints, the World loves a person and tries to help him in every possible way, only people do not want to notice them.
Let us consider in more detail a specific case (and it is typical), on the example of which much of what has been said can be illustrated.
The woman married for love, at the right time she gave birth to a son, with whom there were no problems either during pregnancy, or during childbirth, or subsequently. Like any mother, she gave her son the necessary attention and, like most mothers, even more than necessary.
Where is this edge? It is difficult to define it, especially since girls and girls are not explained their main tasks, they are not taught to love their husbands, they are not told that this is extremely important. As a rule, young mothers take an example from their parents and repeat life in an even worse version, winding up family problems from generation to generation.
The result was a typical situation — love for the child turned out to be greater than for her husband. There was no noticeable deterioration in family relations, everything seemed to be normal. But this «normality» was actually fraught with great dangers.
No one and nowhere teaches that the family is created not only for procreation, but mainly for the disclosure of personality, for the spiritual growth of a person. Therefore, it is believed that if everything is “normal” in the family: the husband does not drink, does not walk, brings money home, then this is a good family, and if they also retained love, then it’s generally great! But in a real family there should be a continuous growth of love and mutual understanding, an increase in the Space of Love and happiness! And such dynamics should be constant throughout life! This is evolution.
We continue the story of this family. A second son is born, but since there is already less love between the parents, the second child turned out to be painful. The mother begins to pay increased attention to him, relegating her eldest son and husband to the background. Pity for the small, for the weaker, does its job.
You will say: “But this is natural! A sick child needs more attention. Yes, but not at the expense of love for yourself and your husband! It is necessary to understand a simple truth: if there is a shortage of something, then you need to at least distribute it correctly!
If a child is sick, then first of all, parents need to reveal love for each other! In the Space of Love of the parents, the child will recover quickly.
If love in a person is fully revealed, then it will be enough for everyone, and no distribution is needed. If there is an incomplete disclosure of love, then distribute it as follows: first, love yourself and your half, then children, then parents, and so on, like waves diverge on water from a thrown stone. This way is not the best, but it creates less problems. Analyze how love is distributed in your family?
Let’s go back to that case. As the mother paid more and more attention to the sick son, his problems grew. He falls from the third floor, he is rescued, and his mother gave him her blood by direct transfusion. He truly became for her twice «native blood.» The husband, deprived of attention and love, became seriously ill. After some time, the youngest son gets involved with drug addicts and dies.
Unfortunately, there are many such examples. Events develop in different ways, but their cause, as a rule, is the same. When a mother pushes herself and her husband into the background with love for a child, problems can hardly be avoided.
It is necessary to understand that the child needs not so much love directly to him, but love between parents, the presence of a strong Space of Love in the family. The larger it is, the more natural the development of the child is — it grows like a tree that has enough sun and water.
You can often hear the words spoken with pride and defiance: “I gave everything to my children! I dedicated my whole life to them! I translate the implication of these words as follows: “I could not reveal myself, my love, become a woman and therefore did not create a happy family. And I chose a not very wise, but easier way — to give my love to children, which created problems for them in life. This is how one should understand the love that a woman gives to children. Try to honestly look at your life — are there any similar examples?
Excessive maternal feeling creates a large layer of problems for future generations in terms of creating a family. It is mothers who most often intervene (of course, with good intentions!) In the process of becoming children on their own path of development and thereby hinder their happy life.
A woman, a music teacher, asked me to explain why her son is unlucky in life, he is already over thirty, and he cannot fall in love with a girl and get married? I gave her a musical image that will be understandable to many. Imagine that a brass band is playing: big toes, tubas, drums, cymbals… Your son is standing in the middle of this orchestra. And a girl comes up to the orchestra and tries to play the melody of love on the violin. Will she be heard in this roar of motherly love?
Maternal love, having a blood and long-term relationship of living together with a child, is energetically very strong. And it is extremely difficult for a daughter-in-law to overcome such strong maternal love with her love (and often insufficiently disclosed). The situation is even more complicated when living together with parents. Therefore, young people need to start life on their own, especially if the parents do not have love for each other, there is no happy life. Under the influence of maternal love, love between the young can easily go out. For this reason, a huge number of divorces occur, many destinies break.
One woman tells me: “My daughter married a guy who is very attached to his mother, and she constantly interferes in the lives of the young. I tried to talk to my son-in-law’s mother about how this prevents them from building their lives, but she does not understand. And the son-in-law perceives this as the norm. How can I be in this situation?
The answer is the following. Firstly, this situation suggests that this woman herself has an excessive love for her daughter — otherwise nothing like this would have happened. Life is a mirror of the inner state of a person, therefore like is attracted to like. You need to realize this and let go of your daughter yourself, give her more independence and help show femininity.
Ask — how? And here — secondly: the mother herself needs to take care of her femininity! It is necessary for young people to become an example and show the true path of development of relations in the family. You need to pay attention to yourself, to the creation and strengthening of your couple, to more and more reveal the facets of your happiness, and then the children will gradually begin to change. And there, you see, another mother will begin to change.
The older the children become, the closer old age is to the mother, the more maternal feeling becomes more and more “motherly”. The feeling of ownership in this love increases, it becomes aggressive, and the children, sensing this, try to stay as far away from their mother as possible. The conflict is growing. The mother, in order to tie her children to her, begins to get sick in order to play on pity.
So that children, becoming adults, do not leave their parents, you need to direct your love not to them, but to yourself, to your marital relationship! And if there is no couple, then you need to build your life in such a way that a couple is created, so that relationships develop, and then children will be more and more attracted to their mother, to their parents, like to the sun that shines and warms and does not burn. By focusing on their development, on building ever deeper relationships in a couple, parents become more interesting to children, and they will strive for them.
Psychologists and physicians know the term «mental incest», the so-called mental «incest». In this case, it looks like this: the mother uses love for her son as a substitute for love for a man. This leads to the non-disclosure of his masculine qualities. He is either infantile (feminine man), unsuitable for life, cannot create a family and lead her to happiness, or is aggressive, including towards his mother who loves him dearly, trying through aggression, alcoholism, drugs to establish himself as a man and unconsciously pay off his mother for a ruined life. Sometimes such children directly tell their mother: “You ruined my life!” But she does not understand and is still offended by these true words.
A mother’s love can create many more problems. This is a topic of great research, now we can consider only a small part of it. For example, the dislike of the father for his children often is based on jealousy towards them due to the fact that the wife pays more attention and love to the children. The husband himself does not understand why he does not love the child. And the wife does not understand, and is offended by her husband, and reproaches him for insufficient love for children … That is, she shifts from a sick head to a healthy one. And the wheel of problems began to spin.
Often, mothers, due to a strong maternal feeling, due to a tight attachment to a child, cannot objectively evaluate his behavior, his qualities and build illusions in relation to him. Therefore, many antics and actions of the child are unexpected for them. Under the pressure of a strong maternal feeling, children become capricious and aggressive, and parents experience tension in communicating with them, cannot find the necessary form of relationship and begin to adapt to the needs of children or begin to put pressure on them, demand from them the same strong feeling in return.
A strong maternal feeling violates the freedom of the child and prevents him from expressing himself. The mother imposes her worldview, she lacks a genuine interest in the world of the child himself. This may manifest itself in increased control over him. When we see a child’s aggressiveness towards his mother, we can safely look for the cause in an excessive maternal feeling.
You can often find maternal «love from the mind.» The mother begins to raise the child «according to science.» It becomes an experimental testing ground for her pedagogical abilities. And mothers forget that the child was given to them mainly so that they could educate themselves!
Children are our little teachers, and often the wiser ones. They are given so that parents live a happier life. That’s what you need to learn from children, then they will take what they need from their parents and be happy.
Very often, parents try to realize their unfulfilled dreams through their children. As a rule, nothing good comes of this.
Often the mother focuses on the child in order to get rid of the meaninglessness of her life. She builds a relationship with him as a «master-slave» or as a «lover», ready to fulfill all his desires and whims. In both cases, it does not allow him to show independence, suppresses the initiative and forms irresponsibility and helplessness in him. Since she tries to do everything for the child, he becomes dependent on the whims of the mother, and the mother — on the whims of the child. He becomes a capricious appendage of his mother, and she is pleased with this situation.
In such a union, the father becomes superfluous in the family. And he begins to fight with the child for the lost influence, or starts drinking, or leaves the family. Psychologically, everything has already been prepared by the mother herself from the moment the child appears, and the departure itself is a consequence. Women often do not realize the true reason for what happened and bring down their anger on the «infidel», on the «razluchnitsa», aggravating the situation, even more uniting with the child against the father. Here already problems cannot be avoided.
Due to the violation of the value system in the family, a man finds himself in a more difficult position in society. This can affect his career and lead to even more difficulties in his relationship with his wife. «Pushed» from the first position in the family, a man is hardly realized in society. He can no longer «fly» and reveal his talents, but will «crawl» on the ground and «plow». It is becoming more and more difficult for him to financially provide for his family, and a woman can take on a leading role in this area, and even more oust her husband from the space of the family. This happens especially often when a woman has strong-willed traits.
In children, the humiliation of the father will also manifest itself. In them, the male energies will be humiliated and the corresponding events will be attracted. Men will appear near the girl who will humiliate her in every possible way, and the guy will most likely have a wife who will put him “under the heel”. Nothing comes from nothing and Children’s problems grow out of parents’ problems. Therefore, wise parents, wanting to help their children, take care of themselves, their relationships.
A big theme is when a wife reveals maternal feelings so strongly that she includes her husband in the space of maternal love — he becomes another “child”, and she becomes another “mother” for him. Women are not shy about talking about their husband as if they were their child — they simply do not understand that by doing so they show that they have ceased to be women. This is the basis for many problems, including these: someone will see in him not a son, but a man, and will take him away.
Separate consideration requires the issue of interaction between mother and daughter. Especially great difficulties arise where an adult daughter lives with her single mother. And if the daughter cannot overcome the influence of the mother, reveal her feminine qualities and separate from her, then the mother can completely block her fate. A mother can use her daughter’s energies, live energetically at her expense. The daughter will get sick, grow old faster, and the mother will live and live …
It is known that a daughter who lives next to her mother ages faster if they do not develop spiritually. And the mother can live in this way much longer than the time allotted to her — the daughter maintains the health of the mother with her energies. That is, she sacrifices her happiness, her destiny. And now they are already like two elderly women, and later, like two old women, they live under the same roof. They become very similar to each other and it is difficult to even understand that they are mother and daughter.
If a woman does not solve her main task of life — to give love, to create the Space of Love, then the most precious thing is taken away from her — youth.
Sometimes a girl shows strong maternal love from early childhood. If special measures are not taken in her upbringing, then, growing up, the daughter can force her mother out of the family, right up to her death — it is difficult for two mothers to get along under one roof. But the daughter can be left without a family. For her family will be brothers, sisters, father. I also know such examples, and there are much more of them than it seems at first glance. Again, here is salvation in the ever-growing love of a mother for her husband, in the disclosure of femininity.
Let’s touch on another facet of the relationship between parents and children in the following example. The daughter graduated from the institute well, there were interesting job offers. She lived with her mother and, naturally, her mother helped her financially. After some time, the girl had difficulties with work, and then she was fired altogether.
Intuitively feeling that her mother somehow interferes with her realization, the girl moved to another city and found an interesting job. Mother «tightened up» and began to help even more — after all, the costs increased. The girl again had difficulties, and she was again left without work.
The reason for all these events is a violation of the principle that children can be helped financially only until they enter an independent life, and then let them earn money themselves. I have already said that animals are often wiser than humans in these matters — they feed their young only up to a certain age. And excessive maternal human feelings, pity do their pernicious deed. We need to remember a simple truth: if parents gave an adult child a hundred dollars, then he will lose (or not earn) a thousand, that is, ten, and sometimes a hundred times more.
A single mother raising a child is a very common case today. The main reason for this situation is excessive maternal feeling. A woman translates the energies of femininity into the energies of motherhood and does not sound like a woman. In her system of values, a man is not in the first place, so he will not come into this space, and if he does, it will not be for long. And the woman is surprised that the men do not linger in any way, and accuses them of inconstancy.
This is a well-known axiom: incomplete and conflict families are the result of increased love for the child, a violation of the value system in the family. And conflicts in the family and an incomplete family launch the next round of problems, further disrupting the development of the child’s personality. As a result, disharmonious children come into life and begin to create their lives in the image and likeness of their parents.
Many women say: “Yes, I love my husband! But he still drinks.» And what is the basis of such love? And when you start to look more attentively, it becomes clear that love is based on pity for your husband, and not on respect for him. Once again, let us return to pity, this scourge of human relations.
Pity feeds on maternal energies, and respect grows with the growth of female energies!
Pity is shown to the weak. Pitying, showing maternal qualities, a woman humiliates a man, deliberately puts him below herself, and then makes claims to him that he cannot be realized in life. It was from the mother-woman that the expression went: I’m sorry, it means I love. Pity is a simple and objective test for the presence of an excessive maternal feeling in a woman.
The complexity of the issue lies in the fact that outwardly everything looks natural. The mother takes care of the child, worries about him, gets upset if something happens to him. How else? Don’t care, don’t worry? First, everything should be in moderation. Secondly, all relationships with children should be built not on pity and not on a sense of ownership (“this is my child”), but on the understanding that
The child is an independent soul, and she has come to live her experience, and the task of parents is to create the necessary conditions and the greatest freedom for acquiring experience.
I know many examples when there are two children in a family, and the mother shows a stronger feeling for one of them. And the fate of the less beloved is much better than that of the favorite. In one family, a girl from a young age was left to herself and, however, grew into an independent, active person, and now it is she who provides the parents with the greatest help, and the son, whom the mother loved more and closely took care of and whom she hoped most of all, grew up passive. and a drunken egotist.
Since childhood, the child is imbued with a sincere and deep feeling of love for the mother. The word «mother» in all languages is significant. And the child is open to a reciprocal feeling from the mother, and therefore what comes from the mother penetrates the child very deeply.
The mother has the strongest energy impact, and her condition is instantly transmitted to the child. This must be understood and monitored by your thoughts and emotions.
Resentment, irritation, jealousy, anger towards the father of the child have a particularly negative effect on the upbringing of the child. These low energies deeply affect the child’s psyche and lay heavy programs. The negative impact comes even when the child does not hear these words. He gets used to low energies, becomes irritable, moody, begins to vampirize, and then goes through life as a consumer, and can become an anti-social element.
Here I have outlined only some aspects of this most difficult topic — excessive maternal feelings. Delusions about motherly love, that it is holy and not subject to discussion, have penetrated very deeply into all spheres of life. This attitude is rooted in traditions, in life itself, in songs and proverbs, and therefore it is so difficult to see the negative aspects in it, and without this it is impossible to change the current state of affairs.
Someone may have a question: why is it only about maternal love? Isn’t a father’s love too much? It also happens, but much less frequently. It is women who create the greatest misfortune, and a mass one, having every reason to become attached to the child much stronger and having the greatest responsibility for the Space of Love. And there is no need to smooth the problem.
Fathers sometimes have love for their daughter, turning into jealousy, which prevents her from finding her mate and starting a family. But, again, such a feeling can arise when there is not enough love between the parents, and the man “gets” the missing energies in his daughter, not wanting to let her go. Sometimes this takes wild forms of despotism, and daughters are raped on this basis. (More often a man «gets» on the side.)
In conclusion of this article, I will quote the words of a remarkable philosopher from India. From Osho (Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh), I chose the words in which he gives advice to women:
“Motherhood is the biggest responsibility in the world.
Motherhood is a great art and needs to be learned. Start learning the art of being a mother! I would like to give you some advice.
First, never treat a child as if it were your own property; a child cannot be owned. He enters the world because of you, but does not belong to you. The Lord has used you as a tool, as a means, but the child is not your property. Love it, but never own it.
If the mother begins to possess the child, his life will become miserable. You destroy his personality, you turn him into a mere thing. You can only own a thing: you can own a house, a car, but you can never own a person.
Secondly, treat a child the way you treat an adult. Never treat him like a fool. Show your child deep respect. The Lord has chosen you as the host. The Lord has entered into you as a guest. It is very difficult to respect a child. It’s very easy to humiliate him. It is easy to humiliate a child, because he is helpless.
The child must be treated with great respect, as an adult. If you respect a child, you will not try to force your views on him. Don’t try to force anything on him. Just give him freedom, freedom to explore the world. Help him to become more confident in this knowledge, but never tell him the direction of movement. Give him energy, give him protection and security: that’s all he needs. Let the child learn the world himself, away from you.
But, of course, freedom does not exclude error. It is very difficult for a mother to understand that by giving freedom to a child, we also give him the right to make mistakes. The child should have the right to do something bad, wrong. Help the child to become aware, reasonable, but do not command him, no one follows these orders anyway, children simply grow up as hypocrites.
Third, don’t listen to morality, don’t listen to religion, don’t listen to culture: listen to Nature. Everything that is natural is good, even if it gives you difficulties and troubles. The reason for such feelings is connected with the fact that you yourself were not brought up in accordance with Nature. Your parents brought you up as best they could, but this upbringing was not a real art, love. Everything happened by chance. Don’t repeat old mistakes.
Let nature take care of everything. You are needed only to open up to natural data. So, love, respect, help in such a way as not to interfere with the child.
Fourthly, when a child is born, not only he is born — this is just one part of the process — the mother is also born, you are born again. The child has a very strong influence on you. He enriches you. You become a different person.»
One day I heard a little girl, hugging her mother, say: “You are my God!”. Truth itself sounds in these words — the mother and father who conceived a child are gods! After all, conception occurs in love. Let this be one of the manifestations of love — attraction, but this is also part of love. Without love, a child cannot be born! And the «higher quality» the love of parents, the «higher quality» and the fruit of love. And In order for the future life of the child to also be of high quality, parents need to continue to show love for each other more and more. And the child, as he grows up, needs more and more friendship. Only in this way is a harmonious person formed. Only in this way do parents realize their divinity. Otherwise, events develop according to the proverb with which this article begins, and which, in my opinion, reflects all the issues of this topic, the cause and effect of this problem: “A mother’s heart is in children, and a child’s heart is in stone!”.