«The only way to overcome addiction is to live happily»

How to understand when «just a hobby» develops into an addiction? If a child does well at school, attends clubs, finds time for hobbies, communicates with friends, performs household chores, but sometimes “freezes” in a smartphone, the gadget in this case acts only as a pleasant application to life. But if studies begin to suffer, interest in former hobbies is lost, parents should think about it.

In an addict, everything is subordinated to the subject of addiction, whether it be a substance, a game, or a relationship with another person. The habitual rhythm is broken: a person spends more and more time on the “object of passion”, cutting off the hours of sleep, work, self-care. The social circle is changing. Passionately passionate about something or someone, it is as if drawn into another reality. And now we have another person in front of us — closed, irritable, and sometimes aggressive.

Adult changes — children absorb

“The strongest motivation to work on yourself is among dependent people,” explains psychologist Natalia Pyzhyanova. “Perhaps they achieve tangible results, because they are simply forced to learn how to live a quality life. Next to them is always addiction — a chronic, progressive, fatal disease, and they know that if nothing is done about it, one of three scenarios awaits them: prison, hospital, or death. So adults have to learn skills that are quite natural for most: listen to yourself and talk about your feelings, plan actions and analyze actions, build close relationships, take care of yourself and others.

And when adults learn this, it does not go unnoticed for the children nearby. The results of this process are clearly visible in children’s groups: the guys are less anxious, freely and naturally talk about their feelings. “Dad said to speak, and I speak,” explains 15-year-old Svetlana. Her dad is a recovering drug addict, the term of “purity”, as addicts say among themselves, is 9 years. And Sveta freely, stunning other children and adults who are not used to this, shares her feelings in class: she is offended that someone made a caustic comment about an unsuccessful drawing, she is annoyed if they interrupt all the time and do not let her finish her thought.

Usually children know that their parents are addicts. Honesty with oneself and with others is one of the basic conditions for recovery. Then there is no “skeleton in the closet” in the family — a secret that everyone knows about, but does not say out loud. When this is a well-known fact, there is much less tension in the family and children perceive their parents’ «feature» as a disease, which is true. “Then you can talk honestly with children about this disease — its manifestations, symptoms and predisposition,” explains Natalya Pyzhyanova. “Many recovering parents bring their children to prevention groups because they understand that they have every chance of becoming addicted. Yes, and parents themselves are happy to come to our classes — they play with each other and with children, share experiences and feelings.

Real family rules

Children especially like the so-called «Family Councils», when parents sit down with them at the table and listen to their opinion on various issues. Respect for others is learned in groups — there is a whole set of rules that are especially useful in family relationships. You can’t interrupt, evaluate, criticize, advise when they don’t ask — you can only talk about yourself and your feelings. Thirteen-year-old Marina tells how dad gathers the whole family and everyone carefully listens to the opinion of each, even the youngest member. “Such an experience will help Marina grow confident that her position is valuable, and she will be listened to attentively, even if she does not agree with her opinion.”

«Family Council» is one example of family rules. Family rules are another innovation that is coming to co-dependent families. Usually these rules are written down and spoken out with the participation of a specialist when a person is discharged from a rehabilitation center. Different nuances are important for each family, but there are basic universal points.

Everyone should have a job. It can be work, study and a feasible contribution to the common economy. If you establish such a rule, it is unlikely that someone from the household will be outraged why he should wash the dishes or throw out the garbage.

You need to be warned about delays. In a recovering family, they take care of each other: they warn about being late, help and support when someone has difficulties.

It is important to spend some time together. Spending time together is also part of taking care of each other, a mandatory contribution to the family, prescribed in the rules. In such families, children are less prone to gambling addiction: there is no need to immerse yourself in virtual reality, because the real one is warm and interesting. There is no need to run away from difficulties — there are always those to whom you can turn for help, and they will not scold you, but help you.

You must respect your own and others’ boundaries. In such a family, boundaries are clearly delineated — both personal and the boundaries of ownership and responsibility. Co-dependent families are characterized by “merging” expressions, for example: “Our name is Lesha, we are 18 years old, we broke down and now we want to be treated.” This will not happen in recovering families: the responsibility and boundaries of each are clear and transparent: “If you need help, contact me, I will help, but I won’t do something instead of you, not because I don’t love you, but because it’s useless and even harmful.

What about emotions?

Another important skill of addicts and co-dependents is the ability to handle emotions. Rigid guidelines for dealing with feelings: “only hysterics cry”, “only cowards are afraid” — come from childhood. Emotions are suppressed, but then they certainly break out, at the most unexpected and inopportune moment, and fall on the one who is at hand — more often it is someone weaker, for example, a child. Part of the cure is to teach both children and adults to navigate the rich palette of emotions, learn to identify them in themselves, and live in an eco-friendly way.

Co-dependent 27-year-old Nadezhda says: “Before, when I was ill, I was tired and irritable after a hard day’s work, I still tried to “give back motherhood” to the children. Usually it ended sadly: I broke down on them, then blamed myself, and this happened every time. Now Nadezhda, feeling that she is on the edge, explains to the children that while her mother does not have the opportunity to be with them, she needs to take care of herself. And then he calls on his grandmother or someone who is ready to help, kisses the children (there is strength for this!) And runs to the group, from where he returns an hour and a half later, still tired, but much more calm and balanced. There they listened to her, supported her, gave her tea, maybe even hugged her. You can live on!

“Most importantly, the children understand that their mother gets annoyed and leaves not because they are bad, but because she is not in the best shape today and she needs to rest,” Natalya Pyzhyanova comments. “Children learn that it’s okay to be tired, irritable, sad. What matters is what you do with those feelings. Recovering addicts and co-dependents clearly know: when emotions overwhelm, the mind turns off and it doesn’t last long, so you need to urgently seek help. This mechanism is well-established — there is usually a list of phone numbers that you can call in a difficult situation and get support.

Stop! Are you hungry or tired?

Psychologists working with addictions have another effective rule — HALT!, which translates from English as «stop». “However, in the context of our rule, this word is used more like a military command “stop,” says Natalya Pyzhyanova. — This is an abbreviation, and it stands for simply: H (hungry) — hungry, A (angry) — angry, L (lonely) — lonely, T (tired) — tired. The message is: “Stop! Check if you are tired, not hungry, not angry, not alone?

If one of these needs is not met, there is a direct risk of relapse. For recovering addicts, this self-care is one of the cornerstones of recovery. For them, it is obvious that, for example, it is dangerous to work 12 hours a day, it is harmful to be alone with your problems, exhaust yourself with hunger and shout at your subordinates in anger. There are recommendations for each of these points: hungry — eat, angry — ask for support, go in for sports or meditate. You went into isolation and don’t want to see anyone — call someone or go to a group, if you’re tired — take a break.

A useful skill that is important to master is to plan the day in accordance with your capabilities and in the evening praise yourself for what you succeeded, and analyze and take into account the failures in the next planning.

Find someone to help

Another good rule for getting out of addiction and codependency: «When you feel bad, find someone who needs your help and help him.» This allows you to stop “boiling” in your reality and start acting, taking on the role of an adult, responsible person and moving away from the regressive role of the “poor, unfortunate one,” to whom everyone owes.

In fact, all these moments are a process of growing up, during which a person begins to take responsibility for himself, his life and for the life of those around him. A person is taught not to wait for someone else to satisfy his needs, but to do everything himself, and without delay. All this is applicable to different addictions: food, gaming — and helps people suffering from these ailments to build a full, conscious, happy life.