Who are today’s grandparents?
Grandpa’s and grandma’s have changed a lot! Forget the Epinal image of the good grandmother who lives in her children’s house, knit or make jams while telling stories from days gone by… Today, grandparents wear jeans, tap on their Smartphones (with progressive lenses!) and I even know some who wear the Perfecto® better than some hip thirty-something… Who are they? In 2011, INSEE launched a study on grandparents *. They would be 8,9 million grandmothers and 6,2 million grandfathers, or 15,1 million in all, to live in metropolitan France. Their number has changed in recent years. Indeed, the children of the “baby boom” have aged. Their generation has created a “grandpa-boom”. And since the younger generations of the baby boom are still in their forties, the papy-boom phenomenon is expected to continue.. However, this has not always been the case. “History shows that before, the grandchildren who were lucky enough to know their grandparents were only those from the privileged social classes. The workers or the peasants died young and did not spend much time with their grandchildren. Today, with the increase in life expectancy and the generalization of pensions, all social classes have the chance to see their grandchildren grow up, ”explains Claudine Attias-Donfut **, former research director at the National Old Age Insurance Fund.
Still according to INSEE, you become a grandparent later than before, but we have a better chance of living a long time. Thus, in 2010, the average age of grandmothers was 54 years, and 56 years for grandfathers. These women and men became parents on average at 24,5 years and 26,5 years, and one of their children became parents on average 29,5 years later. In some families, four generations even coexist: “I have three children aged 6, 4 and a half and 1 year. My parents and in-laws are between 60 and 70 years old. For my part, I still have my two grandmothers, 86 and 87 years old, who still have a good footing. Each year, we meet at one or the other for a big meal. Regularly, my sisters or cousins announce births and the family grows. It’s wonderful to be together, all generations together, ”says Pauline. The number of grandparents varies by region. They are more numerous in the west of France, Lorraine and Nord-Pas-de-Calais. In the latter region, the number of grandparents reaches 85% among those aged 75 and over. However, they are less numerous in Ile-de-France (75%).
These new grandparents were about 20 years old in 1975. That means they listened to Pink Floyd, Roxy Music, Johnny Halliday (already!) Or… AC / DC! They grew up in the post-68 era. “They have their own life and can be” hyperactive “. After a lifetime of work, they have an active retirement, with activities and travel. Some even take the opportunity to travel around the world! They want to continue to play a role in society. It can go through an associative commitment. Others are divorced and have teenagers themselves, a partner or a companion, ”explains Claudine Attias-Donfut. Some have ministerial schedules, between their leisure activities and their travels. Sometimes to excess! When she talks about her parents, Louise rolls her eyes: “They are nice and they adore their grandchildren, there is no problem. But between their English lessons, computer lessons, the gym and their trips to the ends of the planet, they are never available to keep them. As a result, during the school holidays, my children spend their time at the leisure center or in summer camp. They don’t help me at all! “
Fortunately, most of these overbooked grandparents still manage to find availability to help their families. Indeed, their role has changed with their children. To enable women of the new generation to advance in their careers, grandparents are heavily involved, taking care of their grandchildren when necessary. “They are very motivated to promote the professional development of their children,” continues Claudine Attias-Donfut. In the past, the young mother was taught only to be a good wife. This is no longer the case, and this phenomenon has influenced the role of grandparents. They are more frequently asked to relieve the parents who, for their part, are both involved in their work. “A mission that they accomplish with pleasure, as evidenced by Elyette Joubert, vice-president of the School for European Grandparents:” The members of our association are all very keen to take frequent care of their grandchildren. . They often have a very close relationship with them. They want to pass on the richness of their passions to them, so they often take them everywhere ”.
Sometimes some grannies do not dare to say no, for fear that their children will never entrust them with the little ones again. So they look after one, two, three, four young children, and take them from one activity to another, at the risk of leaving their health there! Some, over-invested and wanting to do well at all costs, experience real burn-out or exhaustion syndrome. It must be said that some parents tend to exaggerate! This is how we saw the emergence of the term “chic-oufs” a few years ago to designate grandchildren. Explanation ? “Chic”, say the grandparents when they see their grandchildren tumble for the school holidays, sincerely happy to see them again. Then, after a few days, exhausted from chasing after them and multiplying their trips, they see them leaving with a touch of relief and can then say “phew”… Elyette Joubert finds this expression too caricature: “Most of the grandparents I know are sad when their grandchildren leave. Personally, I feel a great void and I have a bit of the blues! “ We rarely recognize all that grandparents bring, even though they play a fundamental role in proposing a relationship different from the one that the child has with his parents, made of patience, unconditional love, and all this for him. gives a strong sense of security. Going to your grandpa and grandma once a week is a special time. A time when the child arises, and lives at a different pace from the time shared with his parents. If the grandparents live far away, it will be more like a week during the holidays. But it remains a privileged moment for the child.
Their role has also changed from an educational point of view. While parents have resumed their “educational role”, the new generation of grandparents would be rather permissive: they would in any case be less authoritarian with their grandchildren than they were with their children. So, at Grandma’s, we can do anything (while remaining respectful), as Josiane humorously testifies on our Facebook page: “Grandma is always right, especially when she says that dessert is eaten before the meal. Grandpa agrees to read the same story ten times. And other nights he can even read three stories in a row. “Laurence, another young grandmother, adds:” What happiness, I have my little loves every day, and what joy when they come to sleep on weekends! The relationship that is forged is therefore irreplaceable. “Grandparents are available and are particularly attentive. Unlike parents who often do several things at the same time, grandparents do everything more slowly, they have many rituals, which reassures the children, ”continues Elyette Joubert. Go get the bread with Grandpa, accompany Grandma to the market. Grandpa-grandmothers serve as landmarks, in time and space. If they no longer tell stories of the war, they can relate what parents were like when they were little. This transmission allows the child to register in a lineage. They are the foundations of the family, especially if the parents are separated.
This good relationship is only possible on one condition: that the parents encourage it.. This link is essential. We must therefore try to maintain it, whatever the difficulties. For this, grandparents must recognize the role of their children. They also should not be intrusive, nor in judgment. Easy to say, but not always to do! It is up to the parents, in this case, to set the limits and to the grandparents to accept them. For the happiness and development of all …
* “15 million grandparents”, Nathalie Blanpain, Liliane Lincot, Investigations and
demographic studies, Insee Première N ° 1469, October 2013.
** Author of “Grandparents, the family through the generations”, ed. Odile Jacob.