Contents
Psychoanalysts and neurophysiologists agree on one thing: everything happens in our brain. Recent studies confirm that it is he who controls our libido.
The heart beats fast, the palms sweat, we are thrown into heat, then into cold … We feel attraction, and our body speaks about it. “The physiological manifestations of passion are the result of decisions made by our brain at the neural level,” says Sergey Savelyev, Doctor of Biology. The brain is generally our main sexual organ. It is he who controls attraction, in which sexual interest in a partner is born and matures.
Reasons for attraction
“It is always associated with an unconscious need to continue one’s family and with some powerful external stimulus,” says anthropologist Marina Butovskaya. “Something admires us in another person, making us want him. We may be attracted to his body, traits, actions, or something very simple – an awkward gesture, a funny habit – everything that is somehow connected with our personal life experience or partly dictated by genes.
Of course, it all starts from childhood, with relationships with loved ones. The brain remembers the features of the appearance and behavior of those who take care of the child, and these features are forever associated with pleasant experiences. And when later we meet someone who subtly resembles significant characters from our past (eye color, face shape, smell, mannerisms), we feel (even in a fleeting meeting) pleasure, joy.
“In a sense, we fall in love just because it feels good,” says psychologist Arthur Aron. “Moreover, when desire takes possession of us, the brain does not allow us to fall in love with another: at this moment, the activity of the brain regions that are responsible for our sociability drops sharply.”
In adolescence, with the onset of sexual development, hormones already play an important role. Estrogens in girls and testosterone in boys determine the strength of desire and increase the susceptibility of the brain to the appearance of others, their sexuality.
A man is programmed by nature to continue his race, so he unconsciously looks for one that is able to give birth to a healthy child. And he is attracted to a woman by signs that the brain perceives as a guarantee of these valuable qualities: a harmonious ratio of waist and hips, shiny hair, plump lips, large breasts and a pleasant smell associated with a certain composition of pheromones – special protein compounds, with the participation of which chemical reactions we are aware of.
“Attraction and partner choice are also related to our different biological makeup,” adds Marina Butovskaya. A woman always knows that the child is hers. But a man can never be sure of his biological paternity. That is why for long-term relationships, he chooses those who will be faithful to him.
In the power of hormones
Attraction, romantic love, attachment… Our attraction is controlled by hormones that the brain produces. “There are many of them,” says clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. “But at the moment of desire, three of them are active: dopamine, serotonin and prolactin. The first excites and is responsible for making the pleasure last longer, the second calms and is responsible for the feeling of satisfaction, the third inhibits the action of dopamine, helps to relax.
Estrogen and testosterone form a duo that our sexual health depends on in harmony, with testosterone playing a major role in maintaining attraction.”
For women today, as in all ages, it is important first of all to ensure the survival and safety of their children. Therefore, heterosexual women are still attracted to masculine qualities: a deep voice, a strong-willed chin, a “masculine” smell. Evolutionary biologist Randy Thornhill experimentally proved that the body odor of a man whose face is strictly symmetrical (a sign of health and good genes) causes a craving in most women.
“And yet, many today want to see in their chosen one not only a defender, but also a parent capable of caring for and raising a child,” says Marina Butovskaya. “They prefer good fathers: men with a slight femininity in appearance, those with low testosterone levels.”
The process of seduction can be compared to a game of ping-pong, where unconscious signals play the role of a ball.
Our experts say that the invention of contraceptives in the middle of the last century played a special role in changing ideas about the “man of dreams”. It was from this moment that sexual behavior ceased to be synonymous with reproductive.
“It changed us, all the people on the planet and the world as a whole, but it especially affected the feelings of women,” says sexologist Igor Kon. “Today they can freely choose whether to have children or not, step by step to master new activities for themselves. This, of course, changes their collective self-awareness, in particular, and the idea of how their relations with men should develop and, most importantly, with which men.
How love is born
It all depends on our life and sexual experience: everyone has their own criteria. The process of seduction can be compared to a game of ping-pong, where unconscious signals play the role of a ball. “In each game we make thousands of innings,” says Sergey Savelyev. – Our brain reads the information that we exchange without knowing it – for example, marks the outlines of the figure of a potential partner. If, based on these data, the brain deems a person suitable – please, here is love at first sight.
We react especially strongly to voice and sight. Psychoanalysts say that our sexual desire is closely connected with the pursuit of what is easy to lose, the desire to keep the elusive. “When delivering words, the voice takes us into an imaginary world, but disappears when the phrase ends,” explains psychoanalyst Marie-Jean Sauret. “The look also excites us precisely because of its elusiveness.” When we look in the mirror, we see our eyes, but we cannot catch their expression. Therefore, some of us use our image – the style of clothing, the manner of speaking – in order to attract the eyes of others, since we have no control over the expression of our own eyes.
Feelings don’t always happen at the same time. You can feel the magic of attraction already in the third second of acquaintance, but you can only after a few months, suddenly realizing it thanks to a random word, a joke, a sudden look … “We are not allowed to control our desire,” says Marina Butovskaya. “But when we feel attraction, we are able to decide what to do next – drink the cup of passion to the end or stop.”
Women have fewer internal obstacles to accepting a man’s desire. She, as a rule, instantly feels that she has attracted his attention, by imperceptible signs: smells, involuntary movements, changes in behavior. The passion of a man does not repel her.
A man, on the contrary, feeling sexual interest in himself, retreats much more often, refuses reciprocal attention, and suppresses his reaction. After all, from childhood he learned to control himself, or, in any case, to subdue his penis, which, to his horror and embarrassment, sometimes seemed to take on a life of its own.
Why does desire fade away
The time of passion expires in one and a half to three years. Our body simply can not spend energy so actively for longer. Living passionately is uneconomical. The brain gradually stops working in the “falling in love” mode, hormones stop stimulating attraction. The areas of the brain that are “responsible” for our attraction are not stimulated as actively at the sight of a partner and during contact with him: everything seems familiar, predictable.
“Attraction may decrease at the moment when we begin to notice that the partner is not at all ideal,” says Marina Butovskaya. “We suddenly realize that he interested us because he somehow reminded us of the father, mother or brother whom we loved so much (those people with whom sexual pleasure was forbidden).”
Go beyond the usual
From now on, in order to maintain or re-feel attraction, partners need novelty and surprise. It’s worth taking a risk and leaving the usual rut, stop repeating: “I don’t know what to do with this.” The brain, which gets used to working according to the knurled pattern, needs a “shake-up”. “When we live together for a long time, it is possible to attract the attention of a partner only by changing the usual context,” notes Inna Khamitova, a family psychotherapist. – For example, new perfumes … “Do not give up sexual fantasies.
Desire also picks up when we leave home and stop following our usual routines, such as on vacation. We can fall in love with a partner again if we try to look at him and ourselves from a different angle, try a different way of interaction, move away from ordinary schemes …
“Sex as a phenomenon has suddenly become closer to us…”
John Updike – writer, poet, literary critic
In The Married Couples,* I accurately described the atmosphere, which at that time was felt to be something completely revolutionary, overturning all ideas about everyday life. Maybe you remember the parties described there in a provincial American town? Cocktails, children on the lawns, talking about work, but suddenly it becomes clear to everyone that this is nonsense – the main thing is that all women can now have sex when it comes to their mind, and men, accordingly, can offer any of them to continue talking in bed. At any moment – that’s what matters! Sex as a phenomenon, as a category, suddenly became closer to us, it began to give signs from every corner, from every open or closed door.
Now it is difficult to imagine how fantastic a change in all the parameters of life took place at that moment: we, middle-class people, were preparing for the fact that life would be completely different, more complex, more insipid. Can you imagine? For example, back on Friday, these contraceptive pills were not even in sight, and a series of obligations, obligations, prohibitions awaited us, and suddenly on Monday they appear, they are available to everyone – and the world turns upside down.
As a result, frankly speaking, a certain sexual flair left my life. In the 60s, free sex was an absolute novelty. My generation was hungry in this sense, and now young people are indifferent to this area. For them, this is one of the problems that they solve or not. The very concept of privacy has changed a lot over the years.
Previously, it was thought that libido and personality, so that they could express themselves as much as possible, needed obstacles. The need to overcome them gives acceleration, and the pressure forces us to look for internal forces. But for the “post-pill” generation, all this means nothing, their libido is relaxed and calm. In general, they probably have other motives for communication, for action, for self-expression.
* D. Updike “Married couples.” Machaon, 2002.