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It would seem that she does not fit into anything directly, and it is difficult for you to make claims to her. Nevertheless, you feel trapped, because your relationship with your husband directly depends on the will and mood of this woman. How is such a situation created and why, with all the tension, can it suddenly suit each of the parties?
She comes to you to help with household chores or stay with her grandchildren. However, after such visits, many decisions in the family are not made at all as you planned. Your husband disappears from her on the weekend, and you can not influence it …
“Such a conflict is often not voiced directly. In order to resolve it, it is worthwhile to carefully understand the motives of the behavior of the parties. After all, it often turns out that everyone in this family triangle has their own unconscious benefit, ”says psychologist Marina Myaus.
Why is it beneficial for the mother-in-law?
Eternal sacrifice
Beneath this common mask lies the manipulation of the mother-in-law, built on a sense of duty and guilt of her son. “I got gray hair/heart disease after your accident.” “I lived with your father and suffered only for you” – with such a load of attitudes, the son entered adulthood. And, having created his family, he still does not forget that “my mother laid her life on him.”
He feels a duty, although it may not be very clear to him what exactly he owes. And in order to get rid of the painful feeling of guilt, he endlessly takes care of his mother’s assignments, her health. And rushes to the parent on the first call.
Wise friend
Exposing this type of manipulation is even more difficult. You, as a rule, are dealing with a successful, intelligent, accomplished woman who enjoys authority over her son. It is with her that your husband consults on important issues. She knows about all the details of his life and can easily influence any decision, believing that you are not her competitor.
Your rival
“You committed a terrible, as she unconsciously believes, act – they took away your beloved boy,” says Marina Myaus. “Of course, she won’t admit it directly to you or to herself. Probably, this woman has a feeling that because of motherhood she sacrificed her personal life, said goodbye to her figure, suffered hardships. And now, when the child has grown, she has the opportunity to symbolically demand the return of the debt and enjoy her power. But you came and destroyed everything.”
Feeling resistance on your part, the mother-in-law often starts a covert war. And he does not forget that all means are good in it, including direct manipulation.
Why is it beneficial to your husband?
When a powerful, successful mother plays the role of a wise mentor, the son often falls into direct financial or social dependence on her. Disagreement with the mother can lead to a possible loss of those benefits that she guarantees with her patronage. Therefore, nothing is decided by the son without her approval.
If the mother skillfully entered the role of the victim, then involvement in her life helps the son get rid of the feeling of constant guilt. This unpleasant feeling can simultaneously cause him internal aggression. But he is not able to direct her to his mother and often addresses his wife, provoking quarrels and scandals at home.
“Keeping a close connection with mom also brings a long-grown boy back to the oedipal complex — a conflict that was never resolved in childhood,” says Marina Myaus. – At the age of three or five, the child symbolically claims to be the mother, wanting her attention to belong entirely to him.
This is a natural stage of child development. And if in a supportive environment, without losing the love and care of parents, the baby gradually understands that the mother has her own life and her own man (the father of the child), then the separation is successful.
If the mother has not helped the child gradually detach, the dependence on the parent carries over into adulthood. This is also possible if she was cold and indifferent, and the son is still trying to earn her attention.
Why is it beneficial to you?
It would seem that of our own free will we do not seek to suffer. However, a painful situation may resemble something important, which is why we hold on to it and reproduce it.
Perhaps, once we also stumbled upon a wall of misunderstanding on the part of parents. An attempt to get the love and attention of a husband turns out to be an unconscious desire to return to the past and rewrite the children’s script.
Such a family triangle can be beneficial if, deep down, you are not very confident in your partner and do not exclude betrayal on his part.
“Often in therapy with women, it turns out that the presence of an “invading mother” about whom the daughter-in-law complains, at the same time guarantees the stability of family life, the expert says. “The mother-in-law is not the most dangerous opponent. Against her background, the wife is always younger and more attractive. And, most importantly, the husband’s mother does not claim to be his wife. “Spiritual betrayal” with the mother seems to protect against the appearance of stranger women who may already claim their husband in a completely different way.
How to change the situation?
Analyze Benefits
Why did I agree to this? is the key question to ask yourself, says the psychologist. – The answer to it inevitably rests on self-assessment. Why do I choose a sacrificial position – to remain in the background, and agree to a relationship in which my interests and desires are not taken into account? Awareness of what is happening and the roots from which the problem can grow is the most important step towards its solution. This is not an easy inner work, and it is better to go through it with a specialist.
Raise your own worth
Often a woman in such unions deliberately agrees to the so-called traditional family model. In it, the male earner, responsible for making money, reserves the right to decide important issues. “In order to change the family scenario, it is important for a woman to get out of her shadow position,” says Marina Myaus. – Self-realization in the social and professional sphere helps a lot in this. If you bet on professionalism and can build on your accomplishments (however small), it will strengthen your self-esteem. And you will be able to talk about personal interests with more confidence.
Discuss it with your husband
It is important to let your partner know that in this situation he is not your enemy, but is still a close person. And so you need to tell him about your feelings, without denying the importance of his mother to him. This is a new family contract. Try to move from the position of “he and his mother” to the position of “we and our family.” Without prejudice to their own interests, your family is ready to communicate and help the mother-in-law.
Even if you manage to immediately find understanding with your husband, the situation, most likely, will not change overnight and will meet with the resistance of the mother-in-law. If you are dealing with a woman who is accustomed to the role of a victim, it is worth reminding her husband that with his excessive concern, he only cultivates his mother’s poor health. After all, for her, this is a guarantee of attention. Agree on how she can get it differently, without resorting to emotional blackmail.