The most important thing to know about erotic fantasies

Sexuality is the most mysterious and capricious sphere of our life. We cannot always explain what and why gives us pleasure. Desire comes and goes at the most inopportune moment, as if teasing our mind: “Ah, you think that you are in charge here? Well, well … ”First of all, all this concerns erotic fantasies. Sexologist Agnès Mokar explains point by point what our fantasies are made of and how to deal with them.

What is an erotic fantasy?

It is a product of our imagination that makes us sexually aroused. Often, when talking about fantasies, they mean erotic scenes that we imagine on our mental “screen”. But a fantasy can also be an idea, a feeling, an impression.

The power of erotic fantasies is that they are deeply rooted in our psyche. In the form of fantasies, our subconscious desires make themselves felt, to some extent distorted by the protective mechanisms of the psyche. Understanding what kind of desire underlies fantasy is not so simple. This usually requires serious psychoanalytic work.

Does everyone have erotic fantasies?

Certainly. Even if you think it’s not. It’s kind of like with dreams. We see dreams every night, but not all of them we realize and remember. Since each of us has an imagination, then there are fantasies. For some, these images are not directly related to sex scenes, so it seems to them that they have no sexual fantasies at all. But this rather means that their desire is expressed through plots related to feelings and relationships.

Should you tell your partner about your fantasies?

Some people think like this: «If I don’t want to talk about my fantasies, then I’m not being frank enough with my partner.» This idea comes from the belief that in a relationship you need to share the most intimate with each other — only in this case you can achieve harmony and mutual understanding.

If you still decide that it is important for you to discuss these topics with your partner — for example, in order to be closer to each other — make a rule for yourself: do not judge or criticize. Otherwise, such a conversation can only complicate mutual understanding and bring both a sense of shame.

Is it worth living out your fantasies?

There is no universal answer to this question. Each of us responds to it depending on what is pleasant and unpleasant for him, what he knows about himself. In general, there may be several options.

1. You never tried to realize your fantasies. You just don’t see any point in it. Your sexuality satisfies you. If there are problems in this area, you are looking for a solution somewhere else. Your fantasies live in your imagination, and that suits you just fine.
2. You thought about it, but you are not sure what the result will be. Will you feel excited in the process? Will it please your partner? Your doubts are quite understandable, since we are talking about sensations that you cannot fully understand. Trust your intuition. Try discussing your thoughts with a partner before deciding to experiment.
3. You have already done it and are satisfied. So this question is no longer relevant for you. If this is not the case and you are overwhelmed with doubts, something may have overshadowed your experience. Give yourself time to think, if possible — consult with a specialist.

Should we be concerned if we fantasize about the other person during sex with a partner?

Fantasy is a distorted embodiment of our desire, which came from the unconscious. Because of this distortion, we often cannot understand what it means. In addition, the same fantasy can have different meanings depending on the person. If during sex you imagine yourself in the arms of another person, this does not necessarily mean that you want to be with him.

Remember that concrete images are just a dressing for more complex creations of our unconscious. If fantasies about sex with another haunt you, try talking to a therapist about them.

Some fantasies may go against our beliefs. Why?

You can often find such confessions on the Web: “Sometimes, especially during the period of“ sexual starvation ”, I am haunted by thoughts and a wild desire to obey a man.”

It may seem to a woman that fantasies of submission are not consistent with her desire for independence and self-affirmation. But the truth is, we don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do. In addition to our conscious «I», which consists of beliefs and principles, there is also the realm of the unconscious. This is the place where our suppressed desires are stored.

But repressed desires in and of themselves are not a bad thing. Their roots are to be found in our childhood experiences, which form the framework of our personality. Although our superego is able to keep unconscious impulses under control, they find loopholes — in particular, in the form of sexual fantasies. This only shows that the barrier between our consciousness and the unconscious can be overcome.

What to do if the fantasy becomes obsessive? Realize it? Or try not to think about her?

Oscar Wilde believed that «the only way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it.» In the case of sexual fantasies, this method can work, and the obsessive desire will lose its strength. But remember: there may be a serious psychological problem hiding behind an obsession with an idea. Having dealt with its single manifestation, you will only drown it out for a while.

If your fantasy makes you suffer or interferes with your life, you need to take this problem seriously. It is important to study it, to understand its deep meaning. Try to consult with a psychoanalyst. It will help you look into your unconscious and understand what it is trying to express with this fantasy.

Should we be afraid of strange and aggressive fantasies?

If sadistic images appear in your fantasies, this is not a reason to suspect yourself of a hidden maniac and rapist. It is worth repeating this again: fantasies arise from deep desires languishing in our unconscious. The unconscious itself does not operate with such concepts as law, morality and ethics. His «prisoners» acquire a distorted appearance due to the fact that they overcome the strong resistance of psychological defenses.

As a rule, such fantasies rarely arise, and we do not have the thought of bringing them to life. But if your fantasies often contain «forbidden» topics, it is better to consult a psychotherapist. Most likely, the answer lies in your life and family history, in unresolved internal conflicts driven deep inside.