The men are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. How to know if your friend is depressed

I recently tried to approach a friend to discuss his condition. As a specialist, it was clear to me that he was suffering from depression, that this debilitating disorder affected those around him, and that the intervention of a close and loving person was needed. You have no idea how nervous our conversation turned out to be. And I’m a psychotherapist.

Part of the difficulty was that he didn’t exhibit the symptoms we usually associate with depression: he didn’t cry, he didn’t mope, he didn’t refuse to work or take on difficult tasks. He became quick-tempered, impatient, irritable. Not surprisingly, determining the cause of the condition was difficult at first.

In general, detecting depression in men is often more difficult than in women. Depressed women tend to be “acting”: sleeping too much, crying, overeating, drinking too much, not being able to function normally, and so on. But depressed men often begin to freak out and generally behave disgustingly. It turns out that a depressed woman will indeed look and act depressed, while a depressed man may just seem like a jerk.

Yes, of course, many men fall into the typical depression with tears and an inability to function, and some women show anger and rage when depressed. But the general pattern is this: the feelings of a woman experiencing depression are more understandable and obvious, while men simply look unhappy and angry. And this is exactly what I noticed in my friend, who for many years was a great guy, and the whole last year slowly but surely became more and more obnoxious. I knew him well and felt that he behaved this way precisely because he had developed depression. I decided to share my assumption with him, but it turned out to be not so easy to do.

I was worried about the following:

• What if I’m wrong and he doesn’t have any depression?
• What if he gets mad at me for my “accusation”?
• What if trying to interfere in his personal life costs the friendship?

But then I thought this:

• What if I’m right but I don’t tell him and my friend never gets help?
• What if he really needs to know right now that someone from those around him cares about him?
• What if I don’t intervene and the illness drives my friend to suicide?

If your loved one is showing signs of depression, you have a difficult decision to make. You can take the path of least resistance and hope that everything will somehow work out and go back to normal. And you can step forward and try to help. My answer, if you’re interested, is that you should definitely lend a helping hand.

In many ways, intervention in the life of a loved one with depression is similar to intervention in the life of someone with an addiction. First of all, you should be aware that depressed people, especially men, may be in denial about the problem and its negative impact on themselves and others. They may not really be aware of what is happening to them. And even if they are aware, they can come up with many explanations for their suffering. Often they blame other people, especially those close to them, for their bad mood.

All this, of course, can complicate your efforts to help them. But there are still ways to intervene successfully.

Know what you’re dealing with

As I said, depression can manifest itself differently in men and women. However, you should be wary if your friend:

• began to act helplessly or unkindly,
• lost interest in previous hobbies and activities,
• withdrew, isolated from society, physically or emotionally,
• sleeping too much or too little
• eats too much, too little, or prefers exclusively unhealthy foods,
• says that he feels guilty, unnecessary or ashamed of something,
• shows sudden outbursts of irritability, agitation, anger or rage,
• blames others for personal problems
• feels trapped
• talks about death or suicide (even in passing),
• complains of unexplained pain and/or physical discomfort,
• admits that he feels like a burden,
• Drinks too much, uses drugs, or exhibits other addictive behaviors (addiction to pornography, sex, gambling, shopaholism),
• experiencing extreme mood swings.

If you notice at least two or three of these symptoms in a friend and they do not go away, you need to touch on the topic of depression in communication with him. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing this one-on-one, contact his family and friends and ask for their help. You should definitely start a conversation, no matter how difficult it may be.

The best way to connect is to use the addiction intervention model, where you tell the person that you love them and that you care about their safety and well-being. Then you can share the suggestion that he is suffering from depression. Here you need to list the signs of depression that you noticed in him. If you are worried about his suicidal intentions, ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?”

Be prepared for any reaction – anger, fear, crying, humility, despair. Whatever the emotion, be determined to endure it. Listen patiently and with compassion. Make sure your friend knows you care and want to help. Don’t leave until you feel he’s out of danger now.

If your friend is willing to listen, you can talk about treatments for depression, which include:

• Individual therapy, during which he can explore his thoughts, feelings and behavior, as well as develop skills to overcome depression.
• Group therapy that addresses the same issues and provides support from those who are also struggling with depression.
• Antidepressants and mood stabilizers, which help manage symptoms, although they do not “cure” depression.
• Support groups where people with depression share their problems privately and openly with each other.
• Formation of healthy habits in the field of nutrition, adherence to the daily regimen and regular exercise.

If your friend admits that he intends to die, immediately call the emergency psychological help line.