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Even if you have finally realized that marriage does not bring you happiness, divorce is not the only way out. Perhaps you have children growing up or have a common business, or maybe you remain proven partners in some way. How to get out of this difficult situation?
An “unhappy marriage” obviously has two components – unhappiness and marriage. And when disappointment, longing or despair lead you to think that it’s time to run, think: what do you really want to run away from – from misfortune or from marriage as such?
Of course, in some cases, you really need to leave, and quickly. We can talk about abuse, constant betrayal, partner addictions. But if nothing so dramatic happens, it is worth considering other options.
“Not everyone who is unhappy in a marriage is willing or able to terminate the union immediately. But surely each of them would like to live a better life. Divorce is almost never without consequences (emotional, family, financial), no matter how “peaceful” it may be. Some, in an effort to avoid these unpleasant consequences, are looking for non-standard solutions, ”says family therapist Mary Ellen Goggin.
But first, it’s important to be honest with yourself about a few questions, and that can be tricky.
Why did your marriage become unhappy?
- What caused the trouble – internal or external reasons?
- Have you done everything in your power to support your family and protect it from ill-wishers?
- Have you retained mutual respect and care?
- How does family dysfunction affect you personally?
- Is it possible that you yourself do not even notice your experiences?
- Have you asked for help?
Even if you clearly understand that emotional and physical intimacy cannot be returned, there are options besides divorce. But it is up to you whether you can do whatever it takes to reimagine your marriage so that being together is no longer a pain for both of you. This is especially important if there are children in the family.
Psychological “separation”
Spouses suffering from marital unhappiness, but not wanting to get divorced or even separate, can try another way – to psychologically separate from each other.
If you constantly have mutual irritation, disputes and quarrels regularly flare up that do not help resolve conflicts, “separation” can help both of you breathe easier. By itself, it will not solve your problems, but it will get rid of their consequences.
After such a “separation”, you can be yourself without fear of judgment and criticism. You will not be required to change yourself. In fact, you separate psychologically without parting physically. Your focus shifts to yourself and taking care of yourself. You no longer have to balance your personal needs with those of your partner and family. And you will feel great relief.
It is even possible to keep family rituals that have become familiar – joint dinners, holidays, etc.
This script will help you maintain mutual respect and courtesy towards each other. Yes, there will no longer be such warmth and affection as at the beginning of a relationship, but by allowing your partner to separate from you, you also show your love for him in your own way. Communication becomes more neutral, topics of conversation less and less concern your relationship.
If you have children, psychological “separation” can help keep the family together for their sake despite changes in your relationship. And the atmosphere in the family will become more favorable for them: they will see that their parents treat each other with respect and have almost stopped quarreling.
Your interaction, in fact, will be reduced only to common responsibilities – raising children and housekeeping. With such a relationship, it is even possible to preserve family rituals that have become familiar – joint dinners, holidays, attending parent meetings, and so on.
The main thing that will change is that you stop trying to “fix” and “change” each other. So you will find peace of mind and be able to focus on self-development.
Marriage for the sake of raising children
This form of relationship is similar to the previous one in that you also continue to live under the same roof, but only for the sake of raising children together. Both partners are focused on their needs and their well-being.
In addition, by staying together, you maintain greater financial stability. Children will grow up in a complete family, they will not have to live in two houses. If you and your partner have maintained mutual respect, you have healthy communication and are able to make decisions smoothly, such a family can be quite prosperous.
Separated marriage
In this case, you continue to maintain a husband-wife relationship, but you no longer live together. You will not need to share property, but there may be new expenses for additional housing.
You no longer have to observe all the annoying habits of your partner every day and there will be fewer reasons for conflict. At the same time, you will be able to maintain marital relations while continuing to invest your resources in a common cause.
These are just a few examples of how even an “unhappy” marriage can be saved. Yes, perhaps, “vanilla” happiness cannot be found. But if mutual respect and trust are maintained, everything can turn out well and to everyone’s satisfaction.