Around the age of 5, children begin to clearly understand that they need each other. Of course, the need to communicate with a peer appears earlier (about 4 years old), but younger preschoolers are still unconsciously drawn to other children. But at the age of 5, children already confidently say that it is better to play together. The desire to be together becomes a typical explanation for their behavior. For example, to the question “Why did you start to carry cubes?” Vova confidently answered: “Because Kolya and I built a house together and we needed cubes.” And Lena justified her actions as follows: “I am friends with Olya, so we do everything together, that I, then she. I began to play with dolls, and she began with me.
I must say that by 5-6 years of conflicts and quarrels becomes less. It is no longer so important for a child to establish himself in the eyes of his peers. It is much more important to play together to make it interesting, to build a big house out of blocks or arrange a beautiful room for dolls. And it is not so important who makes the house or the room. The main thing is to do it together. Increasingly, children talk about themselves in terms of “we”: we play, we didn’t succeed, we will go, etc. Even when the child was asked about his own, individual actions, for example: “Why did you suddenly start jumping?” — he answered immediately for two: «Ilyusha and I decided to dance.» In this “we”, “I” and “you” are inseparably represented. And they are always united by some common occupation, deed, decision. Another child (peer) here is a necessary condition for this common cause: together it’s more fun, more interesting, it’s better.
But besides this obvious, conscious desire of children to be together, at preschool age, a desire is born to do something for a friend. In general, interest in a peer slips in individual statements of children at 3-4 years old. But at first, children perceive each other only in their momentary manifestations, only “here and now”. Therefore, they are interested in a peer, only what he draws attention to himself: what he has and what he does. Interest in the other is associated with its concrete, visible, tangible manifestations:
— Show me what You got?
— What do you play?
— What’s your apron?
Isn’t it true, outwardly it is very similar to the conversation between Anya and Marina, which we cited at the beginning. But in essence it is quite different. Behind these questions is not the desire to brag, not a demonstration of oneself, but an interest in a peer. So comes the understanding that another child may have other activities, other games. They are no worse and no better than mine, they are different. But behind these other activities and objects, children still do not see another person. Therefore, questions like “Why and why is his friend doing this?” too difficult for a small child.
Only by the age of 6-7 does the child show interest in the peer himself, not related to his specific actions:
«Show me you’re not hurt?» Are you hurt?
— Do you want to take a bite of an apple?
— Did you like the cartoon on TV?
Despite the naivete and simplicity of these questions, they no longer contain only interest in the activities or property of another child, but attention to him and even concern for him. In them are the germs of a new relationship between children. A peer is no longer only an object for comparison with oneself, it is no longer only a condition for an exciting game, but a valuable and significant human personality with its own experiences and preferences.
In our situation with the tape recorder, older children (6-7 years old) were no longer surprised by questions about why they or their partner perform this or that action. They, like the younger ones, saw the reason for their actions in their peers. But if for younger preschoolers another child acted as the cause of unsuccessful actions (pushing, hindering, making noise), then for older ones, on the contrary, he becomes the goal of their actions. They did something specifically for their friend and understood this: “I wanted to help him and therefore began to build with him”; “I wanted her to draw a good vase as soon as possible, and therefore I began to look for sharp pencils for her.” Children think not only about how to help another in his specific childhood activities, but also about his mood and desires. It is very important. They sincerely want to give each other joy and pleasure: “I grunted because I wanted to make Yulia laugh, she loves to laugh so much!”; “I drew this drawing so that Sveta would be delighted when I give it to her”; “I began to play in the store, because Lena loves to play in the store most of all.” In all these explanations, the other child is perceived as a whole person: he loves something, rejoices in something, wants something.
Of course, even at 6-7 years old, children quarrel, fight, call each other “greedy” and “hooligans”. Of course, it is also important for them to demonstrate themselves and get the approval of their peers. But nevertheless, in these separate statements, in this naive desire to help each other, to do something pleasant, there appear sprouts of new relationships between children, in the center of which is no longer “I”, but “we”. These sprouts must be carefully supported by adults. To this primitive childish “Look how good I am!” (which, alas, is found not only among younger preschoolers) would not stifle interest in another and the desire to help him.
Of course, this is not easy to do.
The difficulty is that many features of the perception of a person in children are associated with the fact that the child sees and feels only what is in front of his eyes, that is, the external behavior of another (and the troubles that this behavior can bring him). And it is difficult for them to imagine that behind this behavior there are desires, moods of another. Adults should help children with this. It is necessary to expand the child’s ideas about a person, take them beyond the perceived situation, show another child from his «invisible», inner side: what he loves, why he acts this way and not otherwise. The child himself, no matter how much he is in the society of his peers, will never discover their inner life, but will see in them only an opportunity for self-affirmation or a condition for his game.
But he cannot understand the inner life of another until he understands himself. This understanding of oneself can only come through an adult. Telling a child about other people, about their doubts, thoughts, decisions, reading books to him or discussing films, an adult reveals to a small person that behind every external action there is a decision or mood, that each person has his own inner life, that individual actions of people interconnected. It is very useful to ask questions about the child himself and his motives and intentions: “Why did you do this?”, “How will you play?”, “Why do you need blocks?” etc. Even if the child cannot answer anything, it is very useful for him to think about it, connect his actions with the people around him, try to look into himself and explain his behavior: And when he feels that it is difficult, fun or anxious, he will be able to understand that the children around him are the same as him, that they also get hurt, offended, they also want to be loved and taken care of. And maybe Seryozha will stop being «greedy» because he wants a truck, and Marinka will no longer be «nasty» because she wants to play her own way.