The main secret of all children

You can only correct what you understand. If we want to raise our children, we should at least get to know them first. Do you know your children? I think no. In the inner life of our children there is much that is hidden, which even the most attentive parents vaguely guess about, but are afraid to formulate to themselves. Children have their most important secret, which makes them masters of their parents. This secret is really powerful, because once you know it, you will already become masters of children.

For now, a hint: this main secret concerns children’s emotions, feelings and experiences. Emotions, feelings and experiences have always been the most curious and the darkest, the most mysterious place in psychological science. I have dealt with this topic all my adult life, at least all the term papers and thesis work of a student of the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov were devoted to one theme: the theme of emotions, feelings and experiences.

Where do emotions and feelings come from? What for? How does a person master the art of mastering emotions? What stages of emotional development does each of us go through? Seemingly simple questions. Do you know the answers to them?

I have been dealing with this topic for years and decades, but no matter how much I read scientific papers, I always had the feeling that they did not tell me about the emotions and feelings of something most important … And only about fifteen years ago, I “revealed” … I I suddenly understood something that has since become completely simple and obvious to me, which suddenly becomes just as obvious to everyone I introduce to this new vision of the nature of emotions and feelings.

And most importantly, when you learn what emotions, feelings and experiences are, you will simultaneously learn the main secret of all children.

Attention: ask yourself if you want this. The fact is that once you understand everything, your views will radically change not only on emotions, but also on most of the most important questions about life. You will begin to look at yourself and especially at children in a completely different way. Because this amazing story of the emergence of emotion begins — from childhood.

So, the theory of social psychoanalysis of emotions opens up to you. Psychoanalysis is an approach when the behavior of adults is derived from the events of his childhood. And social psychoanalysis is an approach when in the events of childhood the emphasis is not on natural biological drives, but, first of all, on the social situation of the child’s development.

For my fellow psychologists, I would like to note that, in developing this approach, I relied primarily on the cultural-historical theory of Lev Semenovich Vygotsky: on the idea of ​​a child’s activity and the formation of internal mental functions through an external joint activity shared with an adult. Yes, this is how our emotions, feelings and experiences appear in our life.

How Babies Control Their Parents

The baby seems to need quite a bit: eat, sleep, be warm and dry, well, still be in the arms of his mother. A little, but without the help of adults, he can not do. Babies do not yet have teeth, they have weak arms and undeveloped eyesight, a newborn baby is not always able to roll over on his own, cannot move, without the help of his mother, at first he cannot even eat milk from his mother’s breast! The baby is physically helpless, but in fact, he is well armed, because he has a powerful arsenal: his innate emotions. This is, first of all, a complex of revival (a child’s smile, eyes, hands reaching out), surprise and interest, when this is not enough — whimpering, crying and a loud yell (with a demonstration of discontent and aggression or fear and disgust).

More precisely, these are rather preparations for future emotions, these are more expressive movements than emotional experiences, but parents “read” them precisely as emotions, and children do not mind. They do not care how adults read their expressive movements, it is important for them that in this way they can control their parents.

As a rule, this is enough for the initial management of parents.

​The fact that babies smile to control their parents, I argued 15 years ago, but it was not until 2014 that scientific studies were conducted that confirmed this experimentally. Studies by American experts from the University of San Diego have shown that babies smile for a reason, but for a specific purpose: specifically so that adults start smiling back at them.

A child is not a helpless creature, it is a trained combat unit, a small energetic predator that uses any mistakes of adults, easily jumping on the neck of its parents and seizing power over them. If a child wants to be in the arms of his mother, he reaches out to his mother. If mom doesn’t understand, he smiles at her. Usually this is enough, and the child is in his arms. If the mother did not take it in her arms, the child insists: whimpering, naughty, whining. The usually decent, sensitive mom gives up. If a mother is caught prepared and “you can’t take her with your bare hands”, the child turns on heavy artillery: screaming, crying, he is shaking all over … What mother can resist this?

While. when an adult approaches a small child with his tasks, the child does to the adult what is included in his plans and interests. Children know what they want and get it.

Situation. I’m at the airport, flying on a business trip. I see a family, four adults: mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. In the arms of dad is a small child, not a year old. The child, shooting with lively eyes in the direction of the grandmother, reaches out to the grandfather. He shows his grandmother that he is more interested in his grandfather. The grandfather is happy, pulls his hands to the child, the child gets to him, the grandmother is upset. But then the child turns around to face the naive grandfather and cries in his face. Grandfather is washed… Mom takes the child away from grandfather, he cuddles up to her, but he is already looking at dad… The child plays with these adults, pushes them against each other, has fun to the fullest. At the same time, it seems that the adults themselves, included in this situation, did not really understand who actually controls them in this situation.

So, remember: the emotions of children are, first of all, a way to control their parents, and while the parents are raising their baby, the baby at this time is learning to control them.

The woman said: At the age of 1 month, my daughter had been ill with bronchitis. During the illness, the child realized that the mother immediately flies up to the sound of khe-khe, and began to use it. If my daughter really wanted to talk to me, and at night I didn’t react to whimpering, then she began to “cough” loudly. I, sleepy, flew up to her, and she smiled sweetly at me and waited for me to play with her … I decided not to reinforce this nightly behavior, stopped responding to “cough-cough”, and everything became fine.

Children track what affects their parents and reproduce it. For what? For parents to do what the children want. While we think that we are raising children, children are educating us at this time: they teach us how to behave with them.

However, children under one year of age most often require from their parents only what they really need. If the parents are lazy or simply do not know that the child needs to change the diaper, for example, the child tells the parents what they need to do. The baby has honest needs, he does not invent — if he cries, then on business. And if the mother is attentive and knows that even a baby can cry in different ways, depending on what he needs or worries him, then she and the child will perfectly understand each other.

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Copying adults

Where do children get their first social emotions — discontent, resentment, surprise? These are no longer innate, but learned emotions, and children copy these emotions primarily from us.

Children copy adults with pleasure. By copying the behavior of adults, children master this world. Children like any physical activity, they like not only to run, but also to fall, they like to be offended and shy, they like to kiss and fight, they like to copy adults when they smile and when they swear. Children copy us when we smile at them: they copy our smile. Children copy us when we make a surprised smile — and we suddenly see our child’s surprised eyes. The child copies our arms and shoulders when we clasp our hands tiredly, and will soon learn to make the same tired shoulders. Children copy our fear and our uncertainty from us, and when we vigorously swear at them, they memorize all the details with their inherent energy in order to start shouting at someone else convincingly somewhere.

A lively, alert child loves to move and play, and playing with sounds, face and breath, which adults call emotions and feelings, is one of his favorite games. At this age, the child can easily, effortlessly, simply at the request of an adult, start crying or laughing, alternating laughter, joyful cries and unhappy crying for pleasure. Children are entertained by emotions, for them it is fun and lively. To be afraid for them is as cheerful and lively as to yell with delight, and to cry loudly is as much a pleasure as to make any other noise. However, new emotions for children are not only entertainment. A little later, they turn their pleasure in playing emotions into a search for new tools in managing parents.

Mastery of crying in the service of the child

The main emotion of a child from one to three is still crying, but now it is the cry of a master. The child masters emotions and feelings both as a conscious request for help and as a way of psychological protection.

Memory story: “I’m three years old, broke a mug, cried. I remember well the conversation with my grandmother. Her: Why are you crying? Do you feel sorry for the mug? — Not. — Why are you crying? “So that you don’t scold me for a broken mug. — Do I scold you? — Not. What if you will? … I remember that I cried qualitatively, with tears. At the same time, I realized that I was not crying because of the mug. It was a “preemptive” cry on the topic: how can you scold me, I’m already crying!

Most of the emotions of children are not reactions, not a mechanical reflection of your actions, but their little creative projects. Sometime exploration, sometime play, sometime testing your strength, sometime revenge.

A small child is an active relationship manager. A child always has a lot of ideas and plans, and what will happen to you with him is not only you who decide, this is already your common romance. And it is possible that not you, but the child will determine who will learn from whom and who will put up with whom.

If you did not buy him a game at his request, he will cry for you, but this is not an unfortunate insult, but an attack on you and revenge for your bad behavior. When a child forgives you, he will decide for himself, and in the history of your relationship, the main player is more often a child, and you are a puppet in his hands.

It is good that children are usually quick-witted and forgive us quickly enough.

If by crying a baby insists only on what he really needs, then a child from 1 to 3 years old by crying achieves both what he needs and what he just wants. He wants to have fun, he wants a variety of sensations, he wants attention to be paid not to others, but to him, he wants games and gifts … Now the child has different needs — both honest and invented, and his crying becomes instrumental, becomes a tool for the child to achieve his goals .

Dad says: I have twins, they are a year and three months old. I agree, up to a year my girls really cried only on business: wet, crap one’s pants, hungry, gaziki, sleep, overloaded with impressions, teeth … And then — crying so that they would pay more attention than to their sister! Crying for absolutely no «honest» reasons, clear instrumental crying! Since we were not “fought”, the crying suddenly stopped abruptly and the daughter quite calmly switched to other things. Of course, we did not just ignore the unwanted behavior, but reinforced the desired one: we immediately approached when the daughter asked for it in an acceptable way. Somewhere in a week and a half, attempts to put pressure on me stopped.

A child from one to three years old can not only instantly start and turn off his crying, but also select the right cry for a specific addressee. One thing can affect a mother, another can affect a grandmother. Dad, for example, can only be affected by a desperate cry, such that a grandmother will come running and explain to dad what kind of person he is. The child selects these instruments for specific parents, and picking them up, plays them like clockwork. Have you noticed that children usually have a different character: one with mom, another with grandmother, and a third with dad. The character of the child is his way of influencing you personally. Children are smart and quick-witted, they methodically select what works for you personally.

Dad’s story: Masha is 2 years old, sitting, mumbling something to herself. He listened — she constructs a future dialogue, speaks for herself and for her mother: “Mom, drink! Mom, I’m really thirsty! — «Here, Masha, drink!» “I don’t want to, this water is disgusting!” She rehearses what will be her joy and a problem for her parents …

This is the time when the child masters not just crying, but real tantrums. Usually children start tantrums by watching other children do it, after which they try tantrums on their parents. If the parents, in fact, allow the tantrum and reinforce it with their actions, the child begins to actively use the tantrum.

How to deal with tantrums and where to get the nerves to withstand the crying of a child? The answers are simple: don’t allow tantrums from the start. Remember that hysteria is an emotion, and this, in turn, is only a signal to key people in order to convey information to them. On the other hand, tell your child how to get what you want without crying, namely, teach him to make a request. Magic formula: “When you cry and scream, I don’t understand you. Say calmly, what do you want? If the child was able to stop crying and asked you to calmly, if possible, go to meet him, the correct actions of the child should be rewarded. It is important that if a healthy child gets everything that he really needs, he demands less of what he just wants.

Mastering the emotions of children’s culture by a child

Children learn emotions not only from adults. Somewhere from the age of three, when children begin to be interested in peers, they begin socialization: mastering the experience of children’s culture. Children have their own, children’s culture: their own games, their own entertainment, their own secrets and their own language, their own accumulated experience of interacting with the world of adults. All the best finds that have ever been made by any of the children are collected here, stored and transferred to new members of the children’s community. Children copy each other’s behavior, learn counting rhymes and the rules of children’s games, master muzzles, screams, moods and other children’s emotions, which primarily solve the tasks of successfully influencing adults.

One of the children was the first to find how hysteria affects adults, and now this find is kept in the golden fund of children’s culture. As soon as the children discovered how compassionate eyes and helpless shoulders act on grandmothers, the entire children’s community immediately took this discovery into service. Children copy from each other everything that is interesting to do and that can be used to influence parents. And the unfortunate frustration that melts the parent’s heart, and the carefree laughter of children, for which happy parents are ready to forgive dirty footprints on a clean floor, all this was successfully copied by the child from his accomplices.

By playing with each other, children learn. By observing each other’s behavior, children learn. By monitoring the reactions of adults to their behavior, children continue to learn. The child soon becomes convinced that his parents are impressed by his fears and resentments, his delights and tantrums. Actually, at first, children don’t even know what fears and resentments are, but when they see what kind of facial expression, text and intonations other children control their parents, and hear that parents call it all with the words “you are offended”, they have a natural interest in doing the same. When they understand that resentment can be influenced, they have a desire to learn resentment.

Interestingly, if you do not control the situation, children learn first of all the negative, they learn negative emotions. Children learn to be afraid and embarrassed, learn to be bored and offended, learn to be helpless, tired, stupid, nerds, learn to “get lost” and “upset”, then “despair”, try on tantrums, despair, horror … When it is beneficial for them, children learn to get sick .

Please note: if adults do not interfere in this process and do not control the situation, children in the process of such spontaneous socialization learn first of all the negative. It would seem strange, why do children deprive themselves of joy and cheerfulness, why do they need to learn to be offended, bored, suffer and become scumbags? However, this children’s choice has an iron logic: it is negative emotions that give the maximum gains in their interaction with their parents. It is on these emotions that parents are most easily led.

Indeed, if you are offended by your parents for not letting you watch the cartoon, then the parents can change the ban on permission, or they will give you candy as moral damage. If I dress for kindergarten for a long time, then, in the end, my mother will start dressing me for kindergarten herself. The list of examples is endless…

By the age of five or seven, most children are masters of emotion. At this time, children’s emotions are intentional, conscious and arbitrary. They know to whom and why they are worried, and they do not worry when there is no one to worry about. At this age, children’s emotions are quite arbitrary, and children select, train and rehearse them quite consciously.

Situation. The boy is sitting before going out to his parents, picking up the tone of crying. “Eeeeeeeee…” — no, not that. He tries a different tone: “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” It seems that this tone is more suitable. I repeated this tone of crying, memorized it — and ran with the most miserable cry to my parents.

Situation. Vanka, 5 years old, somehow decided to be offended by me and was already pouting. But the situation there was so ridiculous that Shurik, who was standing nearby, simply choked with laughter, well, Vanka also squirmed after him and could not be offended. I wanted to, but I couldn’t — Shurik got in the way! But now Vanya gathered his strength and shouted to his brother: “Don’t interfere!” Shurik ran away, and Vanya was safely offended. His resentment is quite conscious and intentional. Short «Don’t interfere!» for Shura it was extremely understandable, Vanya wanted to say: “To be offended is now my plan, I am making an offense, and you are knocking me down …”

Children are well aware that they themselves make all their emotions, and perhaps that is why they are so «cruel» (this is the expression of adults) to the crying of another child next to them. When one of the children cries angrily, adults get nervous and no longer know what to do, how to calm the child. How does a child of the same age standing nearby react to this? — No way, the child looks at all this indifferently, the crying of the child does not touch him. Why? Yes, because he himself quite recently sobbed just as angrily, because he knows well the price of such crying …

An important feature of this age is that at this time the child cries, to be honest to whom and for what. “I’m not crying for you, I’m crying for my mother! — Why are you crying to your mother? “Why is she sitting with her sister, let her play with me!” The child’s emotions during this period are conscious and intentional: the child always knows who is crying and why.

An anecdote on this topic: a child comes home with a big bump on his forehead. Mom asks:

— What happened?

— Fell.

Did you cry a lot?

— No. There was no one there.

Children do not worry when there is no one to worry about, when they understand that their experiences will not be heard. It is known that in children’s hospitals, children, having said goodbye to their mother in tears, quickly stop crying: this happens when they understand that no one here will react to their crying.

Situation. New rules at airports — you can not carry liquids with a volume of more than 50 ml. We learned this when they took it out of our bags at the control and began to throw it away … Terribly healing mana honey and a special super-shampoo — into the tank, a pack of juice — into the tank, a bottle of Sprite — into the tank. At the same time, I looked at the faces of the children: what was there? Well, maybe confusion. Astonishment. No offense, no protests. Let’s move on — no upset eyes and shoulders. If I or my mother threw away the bottle of Sprite, there would be a storm of indignation and a terrible upset. And then the children did not get upset. What’s to be upset about? No one! — Curiously, later on this topic we talked with my wife, she became interested in another point: “You know, I think that if I had made a scandal with this customs officer, got upset and burst into tears, they probably would have given me shampoo … But I was calm — and she lost her shampoo. Like this: a strong relevant experience solves situational problems that are impossible to solve by other means.

For four years, from 3 to 7 years old, children master the basic tools of children’s culture. It is at the age of 3 to 7 years that the child masterfully masters the basic set of social emotions, becomes a master of emotional games and manipulations.

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Adults teach children adult emotions

Up to a certain age, children learn emotions themselves, copying them from adults or from their peers. Gradually, adults are also involved in the process: both parents and those around them begin to teach children the language of emotions and emotional reactions accepted in society.

I saw manuals for kindergarten teachers, according to which they had to teach kids when to be happy, when to be upset, and when to empathize. And how to do it right… No matter how strange it may seem, children really have to explain this.

If children grasp those emotions that help them influence adults, then adults teach children those emotions and states that are convenient and interesting for them, adults, that help them manage children more successfully. First of all, it is a feeling of fear and guilt.

As for the feeling of fear, it is (to the chagrin of mothers) practically unfamiliar to young children. Children crawl to the edge of the sofa, reach for the fire, climb into the river, climb on window sills at home and other horrors … Of course, babies have elementary reflexes (fright) to loud sounds, a protest against pain and a predisposition to fear reactions, some possibly dangerous things in life (height, spiders), but the main array of fears that we observe in children is the result of learning. While the feeling of fear is a basic, innate emotion, only the ability to be afraid, the ability to freeze or run away from danger is innate. But what you need to freeze from, at the sight of what you need to run away — this list is not innate, it is already the result of social learning.

By listening to parents, friends and watching cartoons, children learn the accepted vision, learn social interpretations of what is scary and what is not, what is not very scary, and what is a complete nightmare. Children learn the accepted pattern of fear: with what words, with what face and with what screams they need to be afraid in different situations, how it is customary to be afraid of cockroaches, and how to be afraid of a teacher. Teaching fears is largely due to natural suggestions: not only with words, but with the situation itself, including the natural reaction of parents.

But the feeling of guilt, the state of guilt is initially instilled through punishment. When the parents called the undesirable behavior of the child “bad” and accompanied it with punishment (physical punishment, pain, feeling of loneliness if the parents left the child alone, etc.), then the child perceives these actions as “bad” as this punishment is repeated. If the punishment for “bad” actions is repeated enough times, fear and pain arise automatically in the case of the condemned act in the child, even in the absence of the “educator” who instilled this feeling of guilt. A sense of guilt is formed: a reactive, automatic emotion to past punishments that a person has been subjected to. If the state of guilt occurs frequently and is supported by others, it becomes a habitual learned behavior and part of a lifestyle: a person begins to walk like a guilty person, hunch his shoulders like an accused person, and wear an unhappy face.

In fact, at a certain age, the feeling of fear and guilt are really necessary for children, the only question is their degree and understanding, where what is appropriate. One way or another, in the family and on the street, in kindergarten and at school, but with the help of the adults around him and the influence of culture as a whole, he masters the feelings accepted in this society, in particular, joins the feelings of friendship, love, gratitude, patriotism and other high feelings. It is thanks to socialization that children develop composure and will, boys master the role of a man and lay the foundation for the future role of a father, girls master female roles, interiorize the values ​​of being a wife and mother, and master the skills necessary for this.

Once it is called social programming, once it is the development of human culture, the transformation of a human being into a human being.

Where does the will come from in children? Will is the demanding, strong voice of the father that resounds in us. Mom can ask, exhort, persuade — the father says what needs to be done. If you had such a voice in your childhood or youth (sometimes it can be the voice of a coach or a sergeant), if this voice became your law and began to organize your life and behavior, you know what will is. If you yourself began to speak with this voice to yourself and others, you have become a strong-willed person.

Children learn to mask their manipulations

Children grow up, they are no longer so recklessly pitied, they are already getting accustomed to them — and the more effective tools children use, the more important is disguise. What was said goodbye to a little one may no longer be forgiven to a five-year-old, and if parents unravel the secret of children’s crying and understand that for children this is not suffering, but a game, children will begin to receive for their crying not Kinder Surprises, but in the pope. Mastering camouflage is a long process that also begins around the age of three, and ends only by adolescence.

At first, children know that I am offended — this is “I myself offend myself with you”, but closer to school age, children find, remember and train a new formulation: this is “YOU offend me”. “Why are you making me angry?” «Why do you offend me?» “Why are YOU upsetting me?” I don’t create emotions, they appear in me. Because of whom they appear — because of you. It is you who call them to me.

Soon children (together with adults) become sincerely convinced and believe in this, that they have nothing to do with their emotions. Now it is clear that emotions are caused by others: parents, brother, weather, any other circumstances. Now emotions cannot be controlled, they appear on their own and I am not responsible for them.

The disguise is magnificent, but you have to pay for it: some of the emotions in children really begin to arise inopportunely, just like that, without meaning, “for no reason” spoiling the life of both adults and the children themselves. If initially shyness is a crafty choice of a child, then in adolescence it is already his problem. Childish resentment is more like a game, teenage resentment is a sharp mental pain. Childhood suffering is a sweet face, adult suffering can even approach suicide…

And the third step in masking emotions, and the most important thing that children master, is connecting real bodily dynamics to the external expression of emotions. If earlier emotions — laughter, crying or resentment — were rather an expressive facial movement and a lively voice, then gradually the child learns to cry and be offended with his whole body, unwind fear with adrenaline, rage with norepinephrine, spin the flywheel and turn on the seething of the body in such a way that it turns out to stop it himself. difficult. In fact, it is not so difficult, and the results are impressive: adults see that the child is not inventing anything, he is really captured by emotion, and this state of the child is treated with much more respect.

In an adult language, the child is experiencing. Experience is a kinesthetically felt (experienced) dynamics of the functional, physical and mental state of a person.

Having mastered bodily promotion, the child, in addition to reliable disguise, receives additional gains. Which? See for yourself… On the playground, two children did not share the car, they did not want to give in, both were crying. Mothers are standing nearby, ready to intervene. Who will they stand up for? Rather, they will pity the one who cries louder and more desperately, who cannot calm down. They will sip him and give him a car. And the second child, looking at this picture, will remember that it is beneficial not to cope with their grievances. Similarly, children quickly learn to be helpless.

Until a certain time, children do not hide the fact that they can turn their emotions on and off almost instantly. But then, if one child is more or less reasonable, able to control his emotions, and the other is very emotional, who cannot stop himself, cannot get out of the power of emotions, then adults in the event of a conflict between them usually resolve the issue in the direction of who does not own himself.

“He’s crazy, he’s crazy, well, let him play with a train! You are an adult, you are normal, but what is he, you look, he does not control himself, he cannot calm down in any way! Well, are you sorry?»

Children understand that the winner is the one who cannot calm down longer than others, and they learn to spin their emotions in such a way as to lose control over them. It takes months and years, but over time they master the regime: the emotion flares up by itself and stops only gradually.

If I’m already offended, I can’t do it so quickly. You quickly pass from emotions — so go and put up. And I can’t move away from resentment for a long time, so I won’t approach you. And if I started crying, I myself, right away, cannot stop this grief!

Children learn to make their emotions involuntary, children achieve this and turn their emotions into something that is beyond their control.

If this happens to us, our emotions become what is written in encyclopedias and psychological dictionaries: “Emotions are subjective reactions to the impact of internal and external stimuli↑”. That’s right — as a result of many years of work, we have learned to be emotional automata, our emotions are now caused not by us, but by circumstances.

How much creativity does each child need to turn their living emotions into such formulaic and clumsy reactions?

Peer Protection and Peer Adjustment

Somewhere around the age of 7, children, in order to hide the manipulative nature of their emotions from their parents, turn them into involuntary reactions that arise in themselves in response to the actions of their parents. What loving parents will scold their child if the child is already upset, if he is already suffering?

For example, my daughter does not like to play sports and loves to eat cakes. Of course, she spoils her figure, but if her mother bothers her even about sports, even about cakes, her daughter has a ready answer: her daughter will be upset. “Mom, are you talking about this again?!” — and burst into tears … She knows that after this, her mother’s heart will tremble, and she will fall behind with her moralizing. Mom loves her and will not hurt her daughter once again. It’s even easier with dad: you can hug and kiss him, dad melts into it. And if it doesn’t melt, you can, on the contrary, in response to his demands, resentfully slam the door and not talk to him anymore. Daddy can’t take it. Task solved!

However, having thus defended herself from her parents, the girl begins to fall under the fire of her peers: “Fat! The fat donut ate the candy bar!» She tries to be offended, but this does not help, she was upset and burst into tears, and the children tease even more: “Crybaby wax shoe polish, hot pancake on her nose!”. The more she worries, the more she gets … What to do?

Children learn to wear masks. Instead of showing resentment, the child is silent, laughing or showing aggression. This does not remove the inner pain, but it becomes easier to survive. Outside, children show what is accepted and appropriate, but sincere feelings are banned. In this regard, in adolescence, intimate diaries appear, where you can throw out your real feelings, and your closed companies, where you can say what you think and openly express your feelings.

On the other hand, teenagers learn to win status in teenage companies, learn to play indifference and contempt. With the emergence of interest in the opposite sex, boys and girls learn emotions that make them more attractive in this regard: girls learn to flirt and giggle, boys learn to court girls — or show them their disinterest. These games begin as simple games, as a performance and an image, but children quickly get used to these performances, personally master these social roles and make them part of their spiritual life.

Exit to adulthood

Living in a childish position is convenient when your family is nearby, and your loved ones react to your emotions, are attentive to your needs. However, sooner or later we will have to enter adulthood, where no one will react to our emotions … Sooner or later, childhood ends.

Childhood ends when boys and girls must enter social institutions, where there is competition and where we, as adults, must show not ourselves, but our ability to satisfy external requirements without fail. You need to study at a university, you need to follow the orders of a sergeant unquestioningly in the army, you need to work at work, you need to comply in marriage, and with the birth of a child, you need to do something with this screaming creature that always wants something from you … In these new situations, habitual emotions no longer work, and the habit of expressing feelings, worrying, begins to directly interfere. At the institute, it is stupid to be offended by a teacher who did not pass a test; at work, it is unacceptable to be offended by the boss who reprimanded; it is pointless to get angry at colleagues who let you down. At best, you can be listened to with your emotions, and at worst, you will be labeled a hysteric or fired.

The boss reprimands me, he is unfair. I got upset with him. And this bastard type does not see that I was upset with him, and he continues to scold me. I was offended by him, and this bastard deprives me of the bonus and still exposes me to others. I went into a depression for him, and then I got drunk on cakes, and then I got even more angry. And what’s most interesting: I’m escalating everything, farther and farther, but these bastards don’t react the way all normal people, that is, people close to me, used to react.

However, each of us has another opportunity — we can look for friends and loved ones: those with whom we can continue to play emotions, as in childhood. Let life be tough and not react to my emotions, but among people you can find those who feel and understand me: that is, you can continue to play with emotions with them, as in childhood. I am not indifferent to him: I offended him, but he was so upset … Joy! The body plays, the soul sings, it is dear, because it can be dearer to me than these painfully familiar experiences. These people become close to us: our friends and loved ones. Our friends and loved ones are the ones with whom we can return to our childhood together… See more…