The main harbinger of divorce

John Gottman is a professor who «predicts the probability of divorce with over 90% accuracy.» He has been studying the topic of marriage stability and predicting divorce all his life. Throughout his career, he observed couples, as part of an experiment, they quarreled in his laboratory. Based on his observations, he identified four negative behaviors that predict divorce and called them the «Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse»: criticism, neglect, defensiveness, and ignorance.

Neglect is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. It encoded the message: «I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.» The effect of this factor is devastating, couples in which partners neglect each other are more susceptible to infectious diseases compared to people in healthy relationships. The purpose of neglect is to make the partner feel worthless.

Disrespect, ridicule, mean jokes, insults, mockery, non-verbal cues like grins and eye rolls are also forms of neglect. “When neglect overwhelms a relationship, you forget about the positive qualities of a partner,” says Gottman, “do not remember good deeds, admiration for a partner instantly dissipates.”

Neglect destroys the bonds that hold a couple together. It is impossible to establish contact if there is a lack of respect in the relationship.

What does neglect look like?

To illustrate, Gottman usually brings in a couple from the clinic. After 5 years of marriage, Christina and Mark found that their relationship was going downhill. Cristina feels that Mark rejects her and constantly blames her for something.

“It doesn’t fit in my head that you talk to me like that and think that it’s normal. You seem to think I’m stupid! Because of this, I am very worried, — Christina complains at the reception.

“I’m just stating facts.” Mark rolls his eyes.

But you’re hurting me. Why are you talking like that?

It’s all about what you say and do! I just don’t understand your logic,” Mark justifies himself. He does not want to take responsibility for his actions.

“If I allowed myself to talk to you like that, you would just be furious.

— Nonsense! ..

Christina has ceased to have tender feelings for Mark. Mark completely ignores Christina’s complaints. Neglect completely took over their relationship.

The antidote for neglect

Let’s move on to the good news. Gottman predicts the likelihood of divorce based on behavior that does not change over time. You can get rid of neglect in a relationship before it’s too late. The antidote is to return the love and admiration of a partner.

The best way to do this is to talk about the past. How did you meet? What was your first impression of each other? What places are most dear to both of you? Memories of happy events from the past will help restore contact. By rekindling love and admiration for each other, you will begin to resolve conflicts as a team, and a growing sense of community can restore the closeness that was at the beginning of the relationship.

When people talk about how attractive the partner seemed, charming and funny, what excitement they experienced when they were there, hope ignites, despite the pain, disappointment and mutual claims that have accumulated over the years of marriage. The main thing is to inflate the coals and turn them into a flame.

Gottman teaches partners to look at each other through rose-colored glasses. Don’t try to «catch» your partner during a misbehavior. Instead, celebrate when he does something good and show appreciation for it. Even the little things matter: “I love how you cut your hair”, “Thank you for buying my favorite ice cream”, “I appreciate that you vacuum without me asking.”

It seems too simple, even primitive, to work, but why not give it a try: what do you have to lose? But you can buy a lot.