I am glad to welcome you, dear readers of the blog! I already talked about conflicts in an article about how they can both destroy relationships and health and help a person develop. Accordingly, they are distinguished as destructive and constructive conflicts. Today I propose to consider their features and differences from each other in more detail.
Introduction
Let’s start with a definition
Conflict is the emergence and collision of contradictions, that is, when opposite parties have completely different views on circumstances, values and information, as a result of which there is no agreement between them.
The outcome of such disagreements can sometimes be predicted, but most often it is unforeseen. It depends not only on the subject of the dispute, but also on the individuals who participate in it, their motivation, as well as the environment and background in which it arose. Usually people have a negative attitude to quarrels, disputes, preferring to avoid them.
Sometimes their needs are ignored out of fear and unwillingness to compete, to clarify something and declare themselves and their own, perhaps different from others, point of view. But modern psychology gives a lot of arguments, on the basis of which, the clarification of disagreements is considered not only as useful, but in general necessary. And not only for a person in order to improve his quality of life, but also for the whole organization, which ceases to develop if employees in every possible way «leave» tense moments.
Therefore, the task of managers and leaders in large corporations and successful companies is to artificially create creative, stimulating circumstances.
Differences
1.Constructive
The functions are to bring its participants closer, to relieve tension that could accumulate for a long time. To defuse the situation and provide full information about the opposite side, the absence of which destroyed both the relationship and the workflow. This kind of dispute helps to clarify the shortcomings of the whole system in which people exist. Stabilize it and fix bugs.
If we look at the example of a family, did you notice how much closer the partners became after a quarrel, instead of completely quarreling? How did the communication process improve, the level of satisfaction increased, and mutual understanding appeared? In addition, with the constructive conduct of the dispute, there is a huge probability of preventing very serious and protracted disagreements. Sometimes they have such devastating consequences that they can lead to the death of one of the opponents if the tension has reached a level that the person becomes unable to control.
It also has the function of uniting the participants in the dispute. Then they may well group up and direct all their energy to creativity, that is, a creative and developing innovative way to solve a problem that previously seemed overwhelming. Thanks to constructivism, character is tempered, it becomes possible to gain recognition. From which self-esteem rises and self-respect arises.
New styles of behavior and values are born when a whole system of people understands that the old methods and attitudes do not work and it is time to creatively adapt and develop new ones. After all, society is rapidly developing, and it is always necessary to adapt and be «on the wave» of change.
Basic rules and features of constructive dispute management
Clarity
The very first thing that distinguishes a developing conflict from a destructive one is clarity. When both sides are ready to hear each other’s opinion, even if they categorically disagree with it, this is, as they say, «half the battle.» With clarity, the opponent becomes understandable, it is quite possible to ask clarifying and clarifying questions, to give «feedback» to his words. With this type of communication, a person is heard and retains self-esteem.
Creativity
Very often, managers arrange for employees to «brainstorm», during which subordinates have to share their ideas on how to solve some kind of complexity. This is done in order to hear completely opposite points of view, and at the same time employees feel that their opinion is worthy of attention and valuable, even if it is very different from the rest. This motivates and improves the microclimate in the team. You can read more about brainstorming here.
Concreteness
Both parties directly discuss the specific subject of the dispute. They do not take on each other’s personalities and do not remember past cases, even if they are somewhat similar to the one that has arisen at the moment.
Involvement
Inclusion in the dialogue, interest and wasted energy are the same, the participants alternately both inflict and receive “hits”. If there is no dialogue and the attack is one-sided, we can talk about the so-called triangle of violence, from which it is very difficult to escape. Its essence lies in the fact that someone necessarily plays the role of a victim, a tyrant and a savior, and, moreover, replacing each other.
Honesty
It is not practiced to use manipulations and «dirty methods» when they try to hurt and injure, using information that is a weak point for a person. Although aggression arises, there is mutual respect and a desire to maintain contact.
Contact
No one leaves prematurely, and no matter how difficult it is to clarify some points and listen to feedback, people stay in touch. Since they are interested in finding a way out and peacefully ending the quarrel, and not showing their weaknesses, unable to withstand the stress. Because they understand that then they will have to continue living with him, feeling discomfort and anxiety, and it is better to make an effort now, and still breathe a sigh of relief, having come to a compromise.
Well, for example, has it happened that after quarreling with someone, you don’t greet when you meet and try to ignore him, believing that this person is a scoundrel and not worthy of putting up with him, punishing him in this way?
The main methods are argumentation and counterargumentation.
When arguing, they usually use the method of positive answers and present facts that prove the accuracy and truth of the opinion. When counterarguing, they find such a fact that refutes the opinion and arguments of the opponent. I recommend reading the article in which you can find information on how to effectively conduct a dispute, you will find in this article.
2.Destructive
The very concept of «destruction» suggests that these are destructive situations that are not beneficial, but threaten both relationships and health, and sometimes even human life. With this type of disagreement, innocent people who are not at all involved and have become victims of circumstances may well suffer. Victims are when both sides have lost control and «lost their temper», wanting to destroy each other, both physically and mentally.
It leads to a decrease in motivation, if it happened at the workplace, to the point that the entire organization system suffers. It causes depression and a lack of desire to be active, participate in social life, and also leads to a decrease in self-esteem. A person «wounded» in a verbal battle may well experience shame. It can lead to neurosis, which causes panic attacks in stressful situations and an unwillingness to leave the house so as not to intersect with other people.
The consequences are so horrifying that they can provoke a suicide attempt if you do not get the support of loved ones in time and do not find in yourself the resources to move on. At best, tension and disappointment remain, not only from myself, but also from people with whom I was in friendly, partner and other relations. By the way, this disappointment may well eventually lead to excessive distrust, even to close people. What will alienate from everyone, again causing symptoms of neurosis, in extreme cases leading to the degradation of the personality.
You can read about degradation in the blog article at this link.
Features and styles of management
- Generalization. Sometimes completely illogical arguments and facts aggravate the process of communication, delaying time and making it impossible to understand the problem. This is the simplest example, when sellers and customers swear in the market. There is even a phrase that characterizes the personality of the participants, namely “bazaar woman”. That is, it begins with a certain subject, because of which the dispute arose, and ends with insults and mutual wishes for the worst.
- «falling out» of the process. When one of the parties ceases to take part in the discussion and leaves it without the consent of the opponent. Sometimes «playing on feelings», showing how offended and injured, in order to cause guilt and immediately mitigate the consequences of a quarrel with the help of apologies and other things.
- Communication is broken. Because it becomes impossible to clearly argue one’s opinion for various reasons, and one can trace not only a misunderstanding of the arguments of another, but sometimes one’s own position too.
- Words are selected, which must certainly injure and disarm. At a critical moment, when there are no arguments at all, threats can begin to pour in, depreciation of authority and personality.
- Depreciation. It often happens that attempts to clarify the points that caused misunderstandings are associated with the «bad» character of the party that took the initiative. For example, a subordinate says that the boss is unfair, who in turn simply calls him quarrelsome or not getting enough sleep.
- Flattery is also a method that does not dot all the “and”, but on the contrary, aggravates the situation. Due to the fact that it causes a lot of anger, which becomes difficult to present to the defendant. The reasons for its use are simple — manipulation. And if the participant in the dispute decides to show anger, then for those around him he will be a negative character, because they communicated with him in a good way, and he allows himself this.
Ways to be a winner
In order for the quarrel to be not in vain, and, moreover, not destructive, it is necessary to transform it into a constructive one. Then it will be possible to hear each other and come to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding.
1. Learn to separate «flies from cutlets»
That is, if a problem arises, do not associate it with the character of another person. At the moment of contention, this will not be your argument, no matter how much you want, but will only alienate you from your partner. And besides, it will not help in any way to correct the situation. Even children are told that it is not they who are bad, but sometimes their behavior. For example, if a woman tells her man that he is a terrible husband, then, in addition to the fact that this will cause a lot of negative feelings, it will not help him find a solution in any way, because it is one thing — to replace him with a good husband.
But if you explain what exactly in his behavior and actions makes his wife unhappy, then there is a chance to move forward in the relationship and change them a little.
2. Disagreement resolution begins with the determination of the total
After all, even if you are on opposite sides of the barricades, you are bound to have something in common. Without this, there will be no motivation to withstand stress and look for solutions, which threatens to fall into destructive communication. So, no matter how you feel about each other, discuss how this misunderstanding hinders both of you.
3.Now each of you must offer solutions
Gain the strength to listen and hear, showing respect, you increase the chance of being heard in response. If the option doesn’t fit, don’t discount it or criticize it, but simply explain what exactly you don’t like about it.
4.Use arguments
In order to become more understandable for the second party. And remember, do not attract old situations and resentments.
5. The last stage is the adoption of a decision that you mutually approve
It happens that it is not always possible to find ways to solve the complexity, then it is quite normal if you come to a mutual agreement to do nothing for now and see how things develop further. The level of tension will subside, you will already have the experience of conducting a conversation with each other, which means that over time everything will definitely fall into place.
6.Dismemberment
It suddenly happened that you just had a tangle of claims to each other — be sure to use the method of dismemberment and concretization, otherwise you will not come to any mutually beneficial agreement if you talk about everything at once. We singled out one problem — solve it, and only then move on to the next one.
7. Special phrases
In your speech, use phrases such as “I understood you”, “I heard you”, “Do you mean that …?”, “Did I understand you correctly?” And so on. This will endear you and will not provoke you to a militant position.
Conclusion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! It does not matter what kind of conflicts arise, social or interpersonal, it is important to find the courage and strength in yourself to solve them, and not avoid them. This will help you to progress in development, be healthy and experience the joy of life. If you have your own ways to resolve the conflict, please write in the comments. I will be very interested in discussing your suggestions, thanks in advance. See you soon, take care!