When it came time for my little daughter to switch from pureed to solid food, she made the point quite explicitly, spitting it in my face. By the end of the second day of the struggle, I was convinced that she would not eat solid food, and when she grew up, she would go to a home for the disabled. When the baby was not yet completely potty trained at two and a half years old, I realized that my progressive “Dr. Spock” parenting methods had failed miserably and she would never be able to go to school because she would have to wear a diaper. The pediatrician reassured me: «When your daughter gets married, she will eat ordinary food and use the toilet.»
I can’t say that I unconditionally believed him and he convinced me with his arguments. The situation seemed catastrophic to me. Now that my daughter has grown up, I can honestly admit that he was a very intelligent doctor.
Looking back, I can’t think of a single crisis that wasn’t 75% age-appropriate behavior. Undoubtedly, it helped in education if I behaved sensitively and with understanding to manifestations of my daughter’s character, and hindered development if I behaved stupidly and hysterically in one or another case. But the main thing was to learn to wait, believing that the daughter has an innate ability to develop and change in her life.
In general, I do not agree with those rigid attitudes that believe that something predetermined should be expected from a child at any given moment in his development. When ideas like these take over, children are locked into tight expectations that leave little room for variation in their development. One must be able to maintain a sense of humor and treat all the norms of a child’s behavior with a fair amount of skepticism. In advising this, I must honestly admit that although the specific dates when this or that event will occur may vary greatly in time, these events themselves are indeed common to most children and form a natural sequence of their development within months or years.
One day, after I had finished another lecture for parents, an excited woman came up to me and said: “I know you are tired, and I would not like to disturb you, but I am desperate.” I continued her thought: “You don’t have to continue, I can tell from your appearance that you have a thirteen-year-old daughter!” I turned out to be right. The confusion and pleading in this woman’s eyes told me more than her words. I knew this look well. I have seen it on the faces of hundreds of parents. Even now, as I look back on my own experience, I can feel my daughter’s eyes, those deadly rays that she gave off. I shudder inside and then feel a wave of relief as I remind myself that it’s all over: she only hated me for three or four years, and now she’s a grown woman and my best friend!
I reassured the poor woman, knowing full well how she felt. “Wait, wait,” I told her, “everything will be fine again.” Of course, everything is not so simple in life. We talked about the crises of adolescence and the child’s need to express some hostility towards his parents as he achieves independence and self-reliance. I convinced her that a child who had the courage to rebel must be loved or he would not be able to take such a risk. Sensitivity and understanding greatly help in resolving various problems that arise during this period, but the main thing for parents is not to lose patience.
We can definitely assume that not a single child sees the prospect of his own development. His past is too short, his future is too vague, all he can handle is the present. It is natural for a child that his own behavior can frighten him in a panic. He cannot understand him in the general context of development, and we should help him see his perspectives, and not say that everything is lost, nothing will change.
When a two-year-old kid bites, he must be stopped, but, in addition, be sure to reassure him that he is still small and will soon stop biting, because he will learn to defend himself in a different way. When a six-year-old child takes some crayons out of school, he needs help to return them, but you need to convince him that this does not mean at all that he has embarked on a path of crime — he is simply not old enough to control his actions without the help of an adult.
We must not only realize the value of the word «wait», but also help our children understand it. The end of the world will not come because this year the daughter will not have a partner at the ball; painful shyness can usually be overcome; life is worth living even after a deuce in mathematics; even adults have situations when the closest friends do not justify trust. Children need to understand that what they do, and that they don’t always turn out the way they would like, is largely due to the fact that they are just «little» and that this is normal for a certain period of development that needs to be outgrown.
Waiting does not mean being inactive or passive. This in no way means to step aside and not make efforts for the development of the child. What I mean by expectation is rather a philosophical understanding of the necessary and natural process of development, the cultivation of the ability not to fall into hysterics, worrying that the child will linger at some stage of development and never move from it.
Whenever my daughter screamed—and sometimes she could scream for hours on end—I had no doubt that I would be sleep deprived for the rest of my life; and although it is not visible to the naked eye, my child is chained to me with an iron chain from which I will never be free. Sometimes I tried to let her scream, following the stupid principle “I don’t want her to get used to crying.” It was pure nonsense, and I periodically felt guilty because the word «wait» was not in my vocabulary.
Babies stop their incessant crying when they are big enough to realize that the dark room in which they lie is not lost in space, that there are other rooms in the house and people do not disappear without return; that if you are hungry and wet or just feel lonely, someone will definitely come and your torment will end. In order to understand all this, even the smartest kid needs at least a year and a half.
As soon as we begin to get rid of the feeling of eternal chaining to a screaming baby who cannot tell us what happened to him, new problems arise. For example, a baby who sucked on his bottle like a voracious glutton turns into a little boy who hates to eat anything other than foods he shouldn’t, like hot dogs and soda. He picks at his food and, if you insist that he eat all the porridge, he puts it behind his cheek and leaves it there like tobacco gum (sometimes for several days!). “My child eats almost nothing,” mothers usually tell me, and then I look into my crystal ball and tell them: “This means that at seven years old he will eat everything in the house, and you to boot” . My prediction usually comes true because I know the developmental psychology of many children well!
The rapid growth rate of the first 2 years is almost halved in the interval from 3 to 5 years, and it is quite natural that the appetite also decreases. If we take this as a basis and do not strive with all our might to shove food into the child, everything will be in order. If you allow your child to eat small meals many times a day, rather than overfeeding him three times a day; if you allow him to impose small portions on himself; if you allow him to help you prepare the food he likes; if you realize that a few nuts, raisins and half a banana that a child ate during a TV show contain as many calories as a full meal; if you don’t keep at home something with which the child could kill his appetite, and if you don’t worry and worry about and without reason, then everything will end happily. When a child turns 6-7 years old, he may have a «wolf» appetite, he wants to eat all the time.
Reassuring other parents, I was usually sensitive and understanding. But I wasn’t always able to stay that way at home when it came to my own child. When my daughter was 4 years old, I apparently forgot about the lessons of the past, I was afraid that sleepless nights were prepared for me forever. I was terrified: she was frightened of everything, she was tormented by nightmares, and I could not help it.
As I got older and smarter, I found that all my experience with parents was that it is impossible to find a child who at this age would not have fears. The fear of loud noises, wild animals, vacuum cleaners, thunderstorms and much more is typical for kids. This is because the child discovers for the first time what it means to be human: to love and hate, to adapt to anger, jealousy, shyness, resentment, etc. Everyone likes it when a child is sweet, attractive, gentle and charming. But adults cannot accept when he is capricious, irritable or angry. What should he do with all these mixed experiences that are inside? It is still very small, apparently, there is only one way out: to release your feelings and thus get rid of them. It’s not dad’s cry that scares the baby — it’s a thunderstorm. It’s not that he’s so shy, it’s just that the shadow on the ceiling scares him.
If a child is lucky and helped to understand much of what he does not understand, he will be able to know human feelings. He learns which of them can be expressed (for example, hugging and kissing), and which ones should be experienced inside, without suppressing, but also not openly manifesting (for example, the desire to drop a baby). All children sooner or later learn about feelings. Some will suppress their anxiety and guilt because their parents, when they are scared and angry, tell them they are bad and punish them severely. Such suppression of quite natural manifestations can subsequently lead to difficulties. Some people can find ways to express their feelings that are safe for others and control those that are dangerous, without feeling paralyzing guilt. It depends on how patiently we wait for the desired result, which way the child will go in his development.
Even when I write the words «school age», the not-too-attractive image of a teenager rises before my eyes.
… The room of my fourteen-year-old daughter reminds me of the aftermath of the London bombing. On the top shelf of her closet is a collection of minerals mixed with clean linen. I know that under the sweater on the next shelf you can find a dried frog, a pack of smuggled cigarettes and three tubes of my most expensive lipstick. And finally, on the third shelf there will be whole plates of half-eaten food, which sometimes stand there for up to two weeks — until I smell it.
I vividly recall to my unpleasant memory that I was absolutely sure that my daughter would grow up to be a tramp. Besides, she would be a pyromaniac, because she played with matches in secret; a thief, because she took money from my secretary from time to time; and a pathological liar because she always denied everything. When she grew up and I came to visit her, she rushed to wash the cup as soon as I finished drinking, she scolded everyone who made a mess in the kitchen, she knew how to keep the stove warm, she spent money in a businesslike way, and I even in my thoughts there was no suspicion that she was telling the truth.
By the time the child reaches adolescence, he really grows up. I was worried about whether I could ever learn to control myself. I was sure that I was the worst mother in the world. I had cavernous views on the friendship of boys and girls; my heightened interest in things like grammar tests and transitioning from class to class made me the epitome of tediousness.
If someone told me that these shaggy, silent individuals who crossed the threshold of my house will someday become smart, kind, eloquent, empathetic, caring and loving, I would think that this someone is in even worse condition. condition than myself. Looking back, I realize that what happened to these young people was largely due to raging hormones, not to mention the stress they endured from having to do the painful work of going from childhood to adulthood in just a few years. in a social climate of change, instability, uncertainty and unrest. In fact, everything happened just like that. It’s good that I tried to understand them, to be sensitive, to achieve better communication, but in addition, I had to learn to patiently wait for changes for the better.
Today, neither a crying baby nor a frightened child will disturb my sleep. Done with dirt, screaming, asking to come to school. They always terrified me and made me feel helpless and worthless. The silence is palpable and disturbing. Do you know who brings me the most joy right now? A daughter who follows my path while raising my granddaughter! I have become much wiser and have a deep respect for the routine laid down by nature. I hope I can pass on some of my knowledge to my daughter, but I know for sure that she will be just as anxious and just as impatient in raising her daughter. It’s hard to believe in the miracle of growing up when so much of life is at stake. I know that I will always repeat this magic word to my parents: “Wait!”