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Having a child, an obstacle to rebuilding your life?
Divorce, separation… today family models are changing, and single-parent households are no longer an exception. You only have to look at the figures of a recent study carried out by Meetic in several European countries to realize this. Almost 23% of single women have at least one dependent child under the age of 15whether they are raising full-time or in shared custody. For their part, only 7% of men are in this situation. A huge gap. And in the solo moms category, the French women are European champions : they represent 31% of singles in the country. How do they manage to lead a fulfilling woman’s life while taking care of their children on a daily basis? For Vincent Cordier, ex-creator of the Solofamily.fr dating site, “single mothers bear all the responsibilities on their shoulders. They have to manage their professional life, family chores and take care of children, while thinking of their own desires ”. In such a context, it is difficult to find the time to meet new people. “When a single child with no children quits her job, she can do whatever she wants in her free time, but for a solo mom, it’s very different! », Adds the specialist. Despite everything, it seems that today, single moms do not see their status as an insurmountable obstacle to dating. According to the study by Meetic, only 1 European in 10 refuses any date when she has children. For others, it’s just a matter of organization. “As Sophie Cadalen, psychoanalyst and couple specialist, points out,“ in fact, it requires some means to look after the children. You also have to have the chance to be helped by family or friends ”.
Solo mom, but first and foremost a woman!
Even if customs change, women are still prisoners of a role of guardian of the home, emphasizes Sophie Cadalen. “As soon as they have other priorities, want to focus on their career for example, they can be frowned upon. These are the remains of an unequal schema. However, this configuration is obsolete. Some women receive child support, earn their living and want to live for themselves too, which is essential, ”she explains. Indeed, ” the idea that one should sacrifice oneself while the children grow up is a fallacious argument and a prejudicial pretext for the whole family. By doing so, we give the children a responsibility so that they do not ask us for such a sacrifice ”. As the specialist specifies, it is important for the little ones to see that everything does not revolve around them. In reality, the limits that mothers give themselves are psychological. We must seek the causes, she continues. “As long as you haven’t realized what the brakes are, it’s difficult to project yourself to the outside”. Vincent Cordier shares this opinion: “you must not put your life as a woman aside for the benefit of your life as a mother. Of course, availability is limited and daily life is strongly impacted by children, but you have to keep time for yourself. The love of a child does not replace that of a spouse! And to have happy children, you need a happy mom ! Moreover, even if we do not see them growing, they end up leaving the nest ”. One thing is certain then, after a breakup, the first thing to allow yourself is to take time for yourself.
When to approach the issue of children?
Fear of not being accepted or of rushing things, it is sometimes difficult for young mothers to discuss the issue of children with their new partner. According to Sophie Cadalen, “ it is useless to talk about it during the first exchanges. We must avoid being too urgent. Not talking about it on the first date is a healthy and reassuring reaction, ”she explains. In addition, the specialist specifies that the fear of not being accepted by the other comes “above all from oneself”. Especially since to believe the Meetic survey, 43% of single men say they’re open to meeting a solo mom living full time with her children.
Single mothers: what do they expect from their partner?
What does a solo mom expect from a man when he comes into his life? In the first place, it is essential that he appreciates children. This is indeed an important criterion for 90% of single mothers. On the other hand, for some, the fact that a man expresses the wish to have more children in the future can also weigh in the balance. Clearly, they are not against the idea of building a blended family, quite the contrary. Aside from that, the expectations of single mothers are common to those of other women. Thus, according to the survey, they are particularly sensitive to gallantry and romanticism.
Single mothers, not against fleeting relationships!
Lasting relationship or one night, contrary to what one might think, some solo moms are not looking for a soul mate at all costs. “While it is essential to mourn your previous relationship and wait for the right moment to meet someone again, it isome single mothers wish to be recognized as a woman and enjoy after a failed love. Clearly, they prefer, at least for a time, to have temporary relationships, ”explains Sophie Cadalen. ” In fact, it’s a way for them to relive, by completely withdrawing their status as a parent ”. Other women, on the other hand, want a solid story above all else. “Single mothers registered on Solofamily seek above all to find a serious and lasting relationship where their status of solo mom is not a brake”, indicates Vincent Cordier.
New hangouts for solo moms
With the multitude of dating sites, the Internet has become, for singles, a privileged place to get to know each other. And single parents are no exception. “Once the children are in bed, even if they finally have some time to themselves, it is difficult for them to leave their homes to go out. In addition, they quickly went around the circle of friends, which was sometimes restricted with the separation! Internet has become an essential way to meet new people while staying at home, ”explains Vincent Cordier. According to the specialist, it is also easier to approach a member by email or chat than in real life!
But other places, which at first do not seem conducive to great encounters, can become so. Unlike other single women, solo moms are going to new places. “Parents take their child to nursery and school every day, not to mention the spaces for extra-curricular activities. So many potential places to sympathize with other solo parents and create affinities, where we would not have imagined it, ”explains Sophie Cadalen. Clearly, in addition to the workplace, transport, supermarket, cafes … there are more and more meeting places for single mothers. Just open your eyes!