The law of balance in a pair

An unpleasant joke, a sharp shout, a chilling silence … Such episodes – more or less emotional, rare or frequent – are also part of the relationship within the couple. Fatigue, stress, and just living side by side for many years give a lot of reasons to throw out what has accumulated – irritation, aggression, anxiety. Pointless skirmishes, leading to insults and threats, are a reminder that love relationships in a couple are ambivalent. In love, as in a duel, we defend our territory, try to keep the other under control, strike and deflect blows, defend our values ​​and freedom, and sometimes we fight for power.

“This behavior is a way to protect yourself, to cope with your fears and pain,” explains Alexander Chernikov, a family therapist. – But, defending ourselves, we often touch the pain points of another. As a result, we face a number of defensive reactions. Neither partner is to blame for this from start to finish. It’s always a “pair dance”. Over time, many families manage to come to a way of interacting that allows relationships to develop and partners to feel safe in them.

“Sometimes the necessary balance is established by itself, unconsciously,” comments family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. “It’s just that the husband concedes in one situation, the wife concedes in another, and as a result, relationships are built between them that do not offend their dignity.” Some partners are lucky – they coincide as much as possible in their interests, actions and forms of expression. Others, measuring their strength, find in this an excellent incentive not to relax and a way to spur relationships. Someone, on the contrary, perceives the partner’s disrespect very painfully, but … is silent.

44-year-old Anatoly saw perfectly well that his girlfriend, at every opportunity, emphasized the difference in their salaries. “She did it so subtly, so subtly that I could not say anything in response, I did not even understand how to object to her so as not to look like a fool. I was very offended and humiliated. But I was silent.” Shows of disrespect are never innocent and harmless, family therapists are sure. But it is difficult to resist them, because they take very sophisticated forms.

By word, deed or silence

From absent-mindedness to disdain, from rudeness to silence… For those who show disrespect, it is quite enough to be near another person and act as if he is not there. A sure indicator of disrespect in a couple is the distance: too large (“I ignore you”) or vanishingly small (“I can’t distinguish you”). There are other symptoms: interrupt, look around when the other is telling something, smirk or frown, sit lounging in front of the speaker, mock, ironic …

According to John Gottman, director of the Institute for the Study of Attitudes (USA), there are four types of disrespect in a couple: criticism, contempt (using words or body language), defense (search for excuses, denial of responsibility, counter-accusations, negative interpretation of the thoughts and motives of another) and cold silence. “As soon as at least one of the ways to show inattention and detachment becomes a habit for partners, this affects their relationship,” emphasizes Alexander Chernikov.

Men and women show disrespect in different ways. “Men do it more aggressively and directly, women do it indirectly,” Alexander Chernikov continues. – Men seek to crush, women – to unbalance. Women pursue, “saw”, and men – move away, become silent, leave from clarifying the relationship or even out of the relationship. But even if someone at first glance is more to blame, both suffer (and lose).

“When one partner does not care about the other, does not take into account his opinion, dignity and feelings, neglects his desires or deliberately prevents their implementation, this is disrespect,” adds Varvara Sidorova. – For example, a wife knows that her husband wants to go play volleyball with friends, but she is looking for an excuse not to let him go … And the point, of course, is not volleyball, but the fact that the husband wants to have his own living space, but this is not for her Like”.

Much depends on whether the partners have the same codes. 34-year-old Maxim recalls his girlfriend who, in his presence, was waxing, sitting on the sofa in the living room, and leaving used cotton swabs on the bathroom sink … “At the same time, she was always flawless outside the house! But being in her apartment was unbearable. She was terribly angry when I told her about it. She probably thought that I was a cleanliness maniac, although this is not so – I just want to be respected!

“If one believes that relaxing at home is right, and the second shares his views, then there are usually no problems,” the psychotherapist comments. “But if the other believes that one should always look good, of course, he feels hurt when the partner behaves differently.” On the other hand, you should not perceive every habit of a husband or wife as a challenge. Minor conflicts that now and then arise in a pair are not dangerous in themselves. It is important to figure out if partners have a global contempt for other people’s feelings, which, manifested in small things, poisons relationships.

Painful relationship

“The one who does not respect himself, whose self-esteem is low, does not respect the other, which he tries to compensate by showing disrespect for his partner,” writes the classic of family therapy Virginia Satir*. The less we are aware of what is happening inside us, the more difficult it is for us to accept the ambiguity of our feelings, the more often we project our internal conflicts onto those who are nearby. Then one, having belittled the other, tries to become a little taller himself. Or he wants to take revenge: to offend, forcing another person to pay for his unbearable superiority (real or imaginary), for the memories of the past that he involuntarily awakens.

“As a rule, people with low self-esteem build painful relationships with a partner,” notes Varvara Sidorova. – A confident person is unlikely to take his occasional sullenness personally or take it as a signal that the love has passed and the relationship has ended. If a person has low self-esteem, he will feel hurt, even when the partner does not mean anything, because he tends to believe (completely unconsciously) that he is not good enough to be loved. Therefore, for example, he will most likely regard silence as a real threat to their relationship.

Sex: high vulnerability

There are things that are especially difficult to agree on, for example, the rules of sexual behavior, says Anna Varga, a family therapist.

“A banal case: a girl grew up in a family where her mother met her father in high heels and made up, and the girl knows that this is normal behavior and that one should not go untidy at home. And the young man grew up in a different family. Wearing heels and wearing makeup, this was his first teacher, whom he hated. And at home, my mother was soft, in a dressing gown, and he felt very good. And now the wife is waiting for her husband from work in heels, she thinks that now they will have a great time. And when he sees her, he asks: “Are we going to visit?” She thinks: “Doesn’t want me. Maybe you already fell out of love? Then she suddenly falls ill and walks around in a dressing gown and slippers, she doesn’t like herself terribly, she feels bad. The husband thinks: “Finally, the wife is at home,” and begins to pester her. “Well, wow, I’m sick, and he …” Such things are very difficult to discuss, since partners do not understand what key stimuli trigger their behavior **.

It took several months for Marina, 42, to muster up the courage to tell her partner that she was afraid of his aggressiveness during sex. “In the way he touched me, I felt more anger than excitement. When I told him about it, he got angry.” Psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc recalls that “libido is aggression, it is a kind of violence, necessary and inherent in sexuality. Sex creates the conditions to take over a partner. It is not always easy to understand that a partner has crossed the line between love and demonstration of his power, and it is even more difficult to describe this feeling in words.

Respect boundaries

So how do you take care of yourself? “The first step is to explain what exactly and why hurts you so much, and ask you not to do (say) offensive things anymore,” Varvara Sidorova replies. – Then determine the boundaries within which you feel comfortable, and invite your partner to observe them. If he does not agree to change, you will have to ask yourself if you are ready to tolerate disrespectful attitude towards yourself.

It is also useful to “find the courage to show empathy for another, as well as analyze your own fears and accept them,” adds Alexander Chernikov. To resist, you need to feel confident, aware of the offense and have the strength to say “no” to humiliation. This seems obvious to those with whom their parents reckoned in childhood, who feel strong enough in themselves to overcome the fear of conflict. And sometimes the determination to answer is not enough, and then it is useful to look for a connection with the past, with our parents.

Awareness is the first necessary step. Low self-esteem, a habit of indifference, or a bad attitude from parents can lead to a repetition of these destructive relationships in adulthood. To avoid this, sometimes you need to reach the limit of suffering. But sometimes it’s enough to feel “I’ve had enough!”.

It came to 46-year-old Veronica after twenty-four years of marriage with a “cold and arrogant” man, strangely similar to … her mother. “My sister, who has two children, tried to commit suicide. Do I need to say that I was not myself? But when the husband said: “What an egoist!” Everything cleared up in my head. I realized that I finally had the courage to get a divorce.”

* V. Satir “You and your family” (April-press, 2007).

** A. Varga “Introduction to Systemic Family Psychotherapy” (Cogito-Center, 2011).