In English-speaking countries, this period is called the “Toddlerpocalypse”. That is, the apocalypse that comes when a helpless baby acquires relative independence – he already knows how to walk, talk coherently and show character in every possible way.
The first thing to learn is that you are no longer the boss. The boss here is your toddler. For him, only his own desires exist. And your goal is to satisfy these desires so that the boss is always healthy and happy. Of course, you will try to wean the baby from unhealthy egocentrism, and you will succeed, but not right away. In general, if you come to terms with your existence on the sidelines (for the time being), it will immediately become easier for you to accept everything else. Moreover, this is inevitable.
1. Life in stains
As soon as your baby starts eating on his own, or at least tries to do so, your floor will turn into one large branch of his plate. Food court is for shopping malls. And you will have a food floor. And not only in the kitchen. Your cute growing devil is sure to sneak into the living room and wipe his hands on the cream-colored carpet. And his pens will be in some kind of tomato puree. Scrubbing away stains will now become your favorite pastime.
2. Nothing personal
Tell the whole world the details of your personal or even intimate life? Oh, the kids are good at this, like no other. They will absolutely sincerely and without any malicious intent dump everything they know in public, making you blush stiflingly, grab him under the arm and run, run away from this line at the checkout or from this entertainment center. Anyway, everyone there already knows that you have your period, and this morning you went to the toilet in a big way. And that you are pulling the hair out of your nose – everyone knows about that too.
3. Snot with ropes
For some reason, children at this age become terribly snotty. This does not bother them at all – they can calmly go about their business when something green that looks like a caterpillar hangs from their nose. Doesn’t bother them. And you shouldn’t. Fighting this phenomenon is almost pointless. And yes, mommy, let me kiss you! Hey, where are you going ?!
4. The world’s best alarm clock
5 am. Start. Your child will understand much later that lying on the couch is much more pleasant than running around in a hurricane, and sleeping until noon is much more interesting than jumping at dawn. In the meantime – 5 in the morning. Start. The next year, another, the third, you will wake up from the fact that someone jumps on your head, chest, stomach and, sorry, lower. It will hurt. And it hurts even more that you can no longer fall asleep. And convincing a child that getting up at five in the morning is too much, too. Climb!
5. Perpetual delays
You will never come on time again. Yes, you have not done very well before, while the child was still very young. But now a new phase will begin. Why? Because the baby has just learned to walk, and he likes to do it. He will explore the world, the brave new world. Stop at every step to look at this pebble and that bush. And even more so an insect or a frog. Your 15-minute itinerary will now take you all day. Relax and have fun.
6. Groundhog Tale
Children are conservative. They love the same food every day. And the same fairy tales. When they know exactly what will happen next in this story, they are truly happy! So stop reflecting and read this damn story over and over again. Moreover, you can read it already with your eyes closed, in a dream, and probably even being unconscious.
7. Tantrum
Do you think that since you are such cool and ready-made parents who have read every book on child psychology in the world, then you can avoid this phenomenon? Ha! One day, just at the moment when you smugly proclaim that normal parents do not have childish tantrums, your pink world will collapse. Right on your head. And you just pour water into a cup of the wrong color. Or you need to urgently leave the park. Or refuse to buy a kinder. Or you may never understand why it happened. Enjoy.
8. Stone in the bosom
Okay, about in the bosom – this is us for the catchphrase. But the pockets will really be full of all sorts of rubbish. Stones, twigs, pieces of paper, pieces of glass, bottle caps – but you never know what the child will consider an incredible treasure that must be taken with him.
And God forbid you forget at least once to check the pockets of baby clothes before washing. Goodbye washing machine.
9. Dirt is omnipresent
But this is no longer an exaggeration. Even if you leave your baby in a completely sterile room, after three minutes he will be smeared over his ears. And not only him, but also the floor and walls. And you will never understand where he found this rubbish. However, the fact is.
10. Idiotic look
No, the kid will not look stupid, but you. And he will make you. Fart loudly in line at the doctor’s office. Falls to the floor in the mall and sheds bitter tears. Everyone will immediately understand that you are a mother hyena. He will sing an obscene ditty overheard somewhere on the street for the whole bus. Decides that the best way to communicate is not to speak, but to bark. And in a cafe. In general, it will make you look like a fool. They just love that smell – the smell of your embarrassment.
You are now ready. Forewarned – armed. So relax. Only in this way can you find peace of mind and balance. And then, when the toddler turns into a teenager, you can get a little revenge on him. For example, showing your boyfriend a baby photo of your precious child. He’s sitting on the pot so cute and chewing on his own boot!