Contents
- The kid bites mom – bite him back: unexpected advice from psychologists
- What does Dr. Komarovsky advise?
- Family psychologist Tamara Kolesnikova’s opinion:
- Position of Elena Zenkova, member of the World Association for Positive Psychotherapy (WAPP):
- What to do and not to do from the family psychologist Eleanor Borisova?
- Advice from Nikolai Kozlov, Doctor of Psychology:
The kid bites mom – bite him back: unexpected advice from psychologists
On women’s forums, mothers often complain that the baby behaves aggressively with adults: he bites, hits his fists, knocks his feet, spits. And what to do with it, lots of advice comes too. Not always reasonable, acting and faithful. We have collected the opinions of well-known child psychologists and specialists on this topic. And you try, decide and act.
What does Dr. Komarovsky advise?
– Aggression is in many ways an instinct. Fighting instinct with pedagogical methods and exhortations is very difficult and often ineffectual. Doctor Komarovsky’s advice: not a single element of aggression (blow, bite) should be left unattended – in response, one must hit and bite. A sense of proportion is, of course, necessary, but do not be afraid.
A lot of parents face this situation. And, as a rule, no other methods, except “tit for tat”, help. You should not greatly console the child when, after reciprocal bites, he will sob. Believe me, the fact that you love your son very much does not at all contradict the fact that you can afford to respond with controlled aggression. As a result, the child will show other instincts: the strong must be respected, and it is not worth provoking painful reactions. And it is very, very important at the same time, outside the episode of the showdown, to remain kind and affectionate, demonstrating your love in every possible way. The consequence of this is that the child begins to understand that the mother is good when he is good.
Family psychologist Tamara Kolesnikova’s opinion:
– A child who shows a feeling of aggression towards his mother should know that you cannot beat anyone. The above methods of some advisers: screaming in a mug, hitting a pillow, taking care of where to throw negative emotions to a child, or rather, how to transfer aggression from a mother to another object, have nothing to do with pedagogical or psychological methods for cases of open aggression of a child. Because today he hits a pillow, and tomorrow a stray dog, and then a man. The mother’s task is not to divert aggression from the mother, but to show the child that physical influence should not be present in relationships between people. Mom should show the child what she feels when the child hits her (cover your face with your palms and imitate loud crying so that the child understands that he hurt and this brought suffering).
If it is not customary in your family to beat loved ones and animals, and the child allows himself to hit you, then this is the result of the child’s great need for your love. This means you need to spend more time with your child, talk more with him, play, hug, read books together, sitting the child on your lap.
But you need to start doing this, pausing after the incident when the child hit you. For example: he hit, cried, he regretted, explained that it hurt you, asked him not to hit again, made up little finger for little finger, and then went to read together.
Position of Elena Zenkova, member of the World Association for Positive Psychotherapy (WAPP):
– First of all, if you notice that the child is fighting, pay attention to what is happening in your family as a whole. Does the baby only hit mom or does this apply to all family members?
If he allows himself such behavior only with his mother, perhaps he is trying to convey something to her, but does not know how and how
Pay attention to the exact moment at which the son or daughter becomes more aggressive. When you understand at what point the child starts to fight, you can track why he is doing it. Maybe you hurt him when you tie the strings on his hat, and he gives such a response. One of the answers to the question why the baby bites may be kindergarten and school. It is from there that children can bring home completely unusual habits. Talk to your caregiver. Perhaps there is a boy or girl in the group who fights and bites. And it was from them that the child adopted such manners. You can wean the offspring to fight. If you are afraid to take offense at your baby, then you can safely do it. If you are unpleasant, offended, hurt, then you have every right to be offended. Don’t do it silently. Explain to the child what such an act led him to that he achieved with his fight. And tell them that you need to ask for forgiveness from those whom he offended.
What to do and not to do from the family psychologist Eleanor Borisova?
DO NOT need to do:
1. Give back. It is impossible to teach a child not to beat another person if you show the opposite with your behavior. If the child hits you, and you lightly slap him in response, he understands that this behavior is acceptable.
2. Demonstrate how unpleasant this behavior of a child is to you in an exaggerated form, namely: crying, screaming in pain, ignoring the child, not communicating with him, taking toys, not giving dessert.
3. Shame the child. “Shame on you”, “Good kids don’t do that.” Shame is a social measure, and such a lesson will not be useful to a child.
What to do:
1. As soon as the child hits you, it is important to say that it hurts, it is unpleasant for you and that you cannot beat your mother. The tone is important here. Don’t shout, speak calmly and in a low voice.
2. Talk about how this behavior is unacceptable. The child himself should not be assessed (bad child, disobedient, etc.). Instead: you can’t beat your mom, this behavior is unacceptable.
3. If, after these words, the child swings again, then intercept his hand and repeat again that the mother cannot be beaten.
4. Be consistent. You cannot be beaten in any situations: regardless of the time of day or where you are.
5. You may have to repeat these steps several times until the child really understands that it is not allowed to beat the other person.
Advice from Nikolai Kozlov, Doctor of Psychology:
– When a child hits you, he has nothing against you personally. He just does what he wants right now. And the fact that in this case appeared before him, these are your problems, and not his direct intention to deal with you personally. One of the first natural tricks is attention withdrawal, or the time-out method. For example, if a child hit his mother, then do not scold the child, but walk past him and begin to feel sorry for the mother: stroke her, say kind words to her. There is little sense in telling a child that fighting is bad: your words for a child are just communication with him, and he just needs communication. On the other hand, if you pet your mother, the child will sooner or later want to repeat it after you. If the baby hit (bit), without screaming and without crying, get up abruptly, remove the child from your hands, then silently go to work without screaming and without swearing. The child will be left without you, and this is enough punishment for him. It won’t work right away, but a few repetitions are usually enough. You need a rule: 1) explanation, 2) warning, 3) punishment. In this case, once firmly slapping on the bottom or on the arm is normal and correct. If the child tries to hit the wall, it will hurt him, and he will not hit the wall a second time.
Be a wall: do not fight yourself, but return to the child what he did