It often happens that a person marries and soon realizes that the spouse or spouse begins to annoy him — of course, not all the time, but much more often than he expected. In fairy tales and romance novels, life in marriage is easy and carefree, and happiness continues forever, without any effort. Why doesn’t this happen in real life?
Rabbi Josef Richards jokingly offered his vision of married life: “People annoy us. Find someone who annoys you the least and get married.»
A happy marriage provides a sense of comfort and security, sex, companionship, support, and a sense of wholeness. It is important not to fall into the trap of believing in the image of marriage that is being fomented by fairy tales, romantic films, and romance novels. Unrealistic expectations make us feel left out.
To appreciate all the good qualities of your spouse and learn to appreciate marriage, you will have to descend from heaven to earth. Here is a chart to help change unrealistic ideas about marriage and strengthen relationships.
What should you expect from a married life?
Unrealistic representations
- The transition to married life will be easy and painless.
- I’ll never be lonely again (lonely)
- I will never be bored again.
- We will never quarrel.
- He (she) will change over time, and exactly the way I want.
- He (she) will always understand without words what I want and what I need.
- In marriage, everything should be divided equally.
- He (she) will do household chores the way I want.
- Sex will always be great.
Realistic Views
- Getting married means a big change in life. It will take time to get used to living together and to the new role of husband or wife.
- One person cannot satisfy all your communication needs. It is important to maintain friendly relations with others.
- You, not your spouse, are in charge of your hobbies and entertainment.
- In any close relationship, conflicts are inevitable. You can only learn how to successfully resolve them.
- «You get what you see.» You should not hope that you will be able to change old habits or basic character traits of a spouse.
- Your spouse can’t read minds. If you want him or her to understand something, be direct.
- It is important to be able to give and receive with gratitude, and not try to share everything perfectly “honestly” to the smallest detail.
- Most likely, your spouse has his own habits and thoughts about household chores. Better to just accept it.
- Good sex is important for a marriage, but you shouldn’t expect something incredible during every intimacy. Much depends on the ability of spouses to talk openly on this topic.
If you share any of the views listed in the unrealistic part of the table, you are not alone — such ideas are common. In my psychotherapeutic practice, I often see the damage they do to family life. I also see how relationships improve between spouses when they descend from heaven to earth, abandoning unrealistic expectations, and begin to treat each other more tolerantly.
The idea that spouses should understand each other without words is especially harmful. This often results in mutual misunderstanding and painful experiences.
For example, the wife thinks: “Why doesn’t he do what I would like (or does not understand my feelings). I don’t have to explain to him, he has to understand everything himself.” As a result, a woman, frustrated that her partner is not able to guess what she needs, takes out her discontent on him — for example, she ignores or refuses sex.
Or a man who is angry with his partner begins to pout at her and moves away. Resentments accumulate and destroy relationships.
By directly telling our partner about our feelings, wants and needs, we improve mutual understanding and strengthen our bond.
What happens if the wife realizes that her husband can hardly read minds? “If I want him to understand what I think and feel and what I need, I will have to tell him,” she realizes and will explain everything to him clearly, but at the same time gently.
By replacing naive ideas about marriage with more realistic ones, we learn to be more tolerant of our life partner (or partner) and make our marriage strong and happy.
About the Expert: Marcia Naomi Berger is a family therapist.