Endless thinking about what happened, trying to prove, to explain to others that then, in the past, they were wrong about us – all this takes a lot of strength and does not allow us to move forward. But “leaving the past in the past” is not always easy.
The man is amazing. You say closed. He will come up, pull the handle, make sure: it’s really closed. It’s the same with non-material things: you know that something doesn’t work, you can’t change something, you can’t return it, that the trees won’t be big again, and yet you hope.
You hope to prove to a person from the past that he was wrong, to explain to someone important that it is possible in a different way. It seems that this will help to rewrite your “then” and at the same time correct something in the unsightly “now”. You waste your energy, you shout, you explain, you prove. You do not want to believe that a person will not understand.
Sometimes a trifle helps to switch. The psychologist, desperate to wait for attempts to explain and prove to come to naught, comes up with a metaphor. Imagine, he says, that you and a man were born and raised on a desert island. Both were brought up in the realities of this island: the ocean around is endless, man is a friend, comrade and food to man, there is no life on Mars (Mars, however, does not exist either – like other land besides yours).
The world is not limited by the island, you can live and love in a new way, turn your back on each other
And then one day you leave this island and find yourself on the mainland. The picture of the world, of course, is collapsing, but a new one is being built on the ruins. The world is not limited by the boundaries of the island, you can live and love in a new way, turn your back on each other without risking a spear, cheers.
Driven by good intentions, you, of course, swim back to the island and try to communicate with a person. But nothing happens: you think in new, free categories, you try to talk about the Great Land, but he does not believe you. He has not seen anything but his island and does not want to see, because not everyone is ready for the collapse of the worldview. Because it hurts anyway.
And what to do? You can, of course, stop talking, but this is not really a solution. Yes, escape. You can try to take him away by force, but he will most likely resist – both of you will drown. You can continue to plant ligaments in an attempt to convey, explain, convince. And every time you talk to him, you can mentally transfer him to a desert island, realizing that this cannot be changed.
Separate the problem from yourself
Our life consists of more events and relationships than we select for ourselves and stories about our lives. We tend to mentally return to what happened to us, to “stuck” on some events that caused pain, trying to prove to someone in the past that he was wrong.
But for our “now” it is only important how we describe the incidents that occurred then, interpret, what meaning and emotions we endow. You need to learn to separate the problem from yourself, the only way you can change your attitude towards it. It is useful to personify the problem: to give it a name, to investigate it. The more it is personified, the more it separates from the person.
Another way is to become more competent and capable, for example, by creating successful relationships with others, developing the ability to solve various life problems. Yes, there, in the past, our loved one reproached us for something, but today we are no longer the same, now we are able to cope with the difficulties that previously baffled us. New stories give rise to new, broader views of the past.
Throughout their lives, many carry a baggage of grievances against their parents for criticism, indifference, or, on the contrary, ruthless words. But maybe they just misunderstood us – their children? Maybe they behaved this way out of fear, depression, despair or pain? Then does everything that is done and said have any relation to our personality? No. So is it worth staying in the field of the problem?
Letting go of the past is not an easy task, but this is the only way to build a happy present.