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Personal boundaries are a kind of conditional feature that separates our “I” from the outside world. They determine how our relationships develop with relatives, friends, colleagues and even strangers. Although there is a lot of talk about borders, we often do not understand where they are and why they are regularly violated. How to identify and strengthen them, explains psychotherapist Sharon Martin.
Everyone should have boundaries. However, not everyone manages to establish them — mainly because we do not quite understand where they begin, especially if we grew up in a family where they were neglected. In this case, it is difficult for us to defend our opinion and say “no” or to realize our right to respect and privacy. When we are offended, we have to put up with it, because we are embarrassed to ask for what we need or want.
What are borders? In short, this is how we allow ourselves to be treated. They show others what kind of relationship we expect, how it is possible and impossible with us, separate us from other people — not only physically, but also emotionally. Boundaries delineate personal space and protect the right to privacy, one’s own feelings, thoughts, needs and desires. They allow us to be ourselves, and not someone else’s extension or who they want us to be.
Borders are a declaration of our rights
People who were not respected and praised in childhood do not fully understand their rights. They put other people’s interests ahead of their own, prefer to keep their needs and desires quiet, and sacrifice their own values because they are used to considering themselves inferior to others.
Personal rights mean:
- the right to respect and kindness,
- the right to say «no»
- the right to change one’s point of view,
- right to security
- the right to own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs,
- right to rest
- the right to privacy,
- the right to pleasure and happiness.
To establish personal boundaries, it is necessary to be aware of our rights, because if we do not believe that we have the right to respect and independence, then we will not be able to defend it in a relationship.
Six types of borders
Before you try to find the weak points of your boundaries, you need to understand what they are.
Physical
Protect our body and personal space, that is, the right to maintain distance, protect our interests and satisfy vital needs such as sleep and food.
examples:
- When a friend comes up to you, intending to hug you, you can reach out your hand and say as friendly as possible: “I don’t really like hugging. A handshake is much better.»
- «Please don’t take my things without asking.»
- “My son is allergic to milk. Here, in the package, is what he can have a bite to eat while he is visiting you. Please don’t give him anything else.»
Emotional
Defend our right to emotions, prevent others from ridiculing and devaluing what we feel, and to treat us as they please.
- “I am ashamed and unpleasant when you yell at me in front of colleagues. If you are not satisfied with my work, let’s discuss it face to face.
- “This is too painful a topic. Let’s not discuss it.»
- “Mom, I ask you not to complain to me about dad. I feel stupid».
- «Don’t take your anger out on me.»
Financial and material
Protect our financial resources and property, the right to manage money as we see fit, not to spend, give or borrow money and valuables when we do not want to, and the right to receive an agreed wage for our work.
- «I’m sorry, but I can’t lend you money to fix your car.»
Sexy
Protect our right to agree or disagree with sex, talk about our sexual preferences and know about our partner’s sexual experience.
- «I do not like it this way. Much nicer when you…”
Temporary
Protect our time. We have the right not to do what we don’t want to, not to allow people to dump their worries on us and not to process.
- “Evening is the only time I can be with my family. Tomorrow morning, the first thing I will do is work correspondence.
- “Thank you for not forgetting. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to come to Alex’s birthday.”
- “Dad, I don’t have time to take you to the store this week. I’ll order groceries for delivery, okay? Which day is more convenient?
intellectual and spiritual
They protect our right to our own opinion, beliefs, views, religion, as well as the right to choose education and a profession to our liking.
- “I know that our political views do not coincide. Let’s put our differences aside and have a nice evening.»
- «We disagree on this.»
Listen to your feelings
Not all boundaries are indicated verbally. Depending on the situation, you can withdraw physically and emotionally from people, end a conversation, or leave an unsafe place.
Violation of boundaries is always felt on an emotional level. Most often it is accompanied by anger, resentment, indignation, fear and awkwardness.
Feelings are indicators of our state. When we notice them, it becomes clear what we want. If something makes us angry, offended, outraged, or frightened, it is helpful to stop and ask ourselves what happened. Perhaps someone has violated our boundaries.
The more time passes between breaking boundaries and realizing emotions, the more difficult it is to tie them together.
Suppose you are annoyed by something and closed in your office. And then a colleague bursts in without knocking, violating your right to privacy. How to mark the border? Just ask her to knock next time.
It is important to learn to notice your feelings right away: the more time passes between breaking boundaries and becoming aware of emotions, the more difficult it is to tie them together.
Of course, our feelings are not always explained by the fact that someone violates our boundaries. But even if it turns out that our condition has nothing to do with the invasion, in any case, it is useful to pay more attention to our emotions and listen to what they say.
Personal boundaries are individual
Of course, there are universal human needs: food, shelter, clothing. But we differ in them too: for example, some eat a large portion at a time, others eat a little, but more often.
Other needs differ even more. And because we are so different from each other, our boundaries cannot be the same. Suppose some jealously guard their privacy. Others are not at all annoyed when they enter without knocking, therefore, they do not need to establish this boundary and explain to colleagues that a closed door means “you need to knock.”
In the same way, it is obvious that there are different boundaries between different people. In some cases, this is not a problem at all. When we and our needs are respected, there is no need to identify them, there is no need to explain what we expect and demand a different attitude if we are already treated well.
Boundaries need to be reviewed and updated periodically as our needs and attitudes change.
However, there are malicious border violators. They constantly have to be put in their place, because they behave too arrogantly. It is even helpful to write down how to build boundaries with such people.
For example, Victoria is irritated and frightened by Max’s flirtations, ambiguous hints, and touches. She set these boundaries: “I will never be alone with him again when he drinks. I won’t sit next to him on the couch. If he starts making greasy jokes again, I’ll ask him to stop, and if he doesn’t calm down, I’ll get up and leave.
We each need our own boundaries. But this requires work: defining them, then fixing them, and in the future, periodically reviewing and updating as our needs and attitudes change.
About the Author: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Perfectionist’s Guide.