The image of the mother: how does it affect the daughter?

Let’s talk about mothers. We have identified some of the most striking types of mothers and the characteristics of the upbringing that they apply to their daughters. Of course, these patterns can be expressed to a greater or lesser degree. Most often, styles are combined.

infantile mother

Overly emotional mother, with immature manifestations in life. A woman who has never been able to take an adult position in life, using her weakness and awkwardness to ensure that others solve her problems.

In communication with her daughter, she constantly strives to be a “girlfriend”, perhaps even buying the same clothes. He cannot build the necessary framework in relations with his daughter: the child finds himself in a situation where he himself has to take the position of an adult.

Often their daughters talk about the fact that such a mother repeatedly had to blush, and the whole life of an adult daughter is devoted to solving the problems of an infantile mother. If such a family does not have a strong father figure—an absent father or a suffering father—the daughter will assume the male role as the adult.

For the daughters of infantile mothers, sexuality is usually a territory of great questions and complexities. They have to create an image of femininity and adult sexuality in pieces that they find along the way of becoming — through images of women in films, through other women in the environment. Their sexuality can be infantile — they expect their partner to reveal their sensuality, rarely taking the initiative.

The movement towards the harmonization of femininity will lie through the acceptance of an adult woman in oneself, through the understanding of the concept of «strength» in a woman. Particular attention will be required to build boundaries with such a mother, because she may tend to over-merge and constantly participate in her daughter’s life.

Forbidden or abusive mother

Such a mother orders her daughter (directly or indirectly) to renounce sexuality. Violence can be expressed through words or actions. Often such women are not satisfied with their sex life, and if the father lives in the family or takes part in the upbringing of his daughter, the mother speaks extremely negatively about him and seeks to persuade the daughter to her side.

Giving birth in her daughter to disgust for men and fear of other women, this mother puts the child before a choice: to submit or rebel.

In the sexuality of such a girl, there may be special obsessive desires or scenarios. Often the daughters of abusive mothers live promiscuous sex lives: deprived of maternal warmth in childhood, they offer their body in order to receive love and tenderness in return. They regularly complain about anorgasmia, that in sex they cannot be true to their desires, and the pleasure of a partner is paramount for them.

The solution to such difficulties can be the practice of «slow sex», when the foreplay stretches for a long time and the movements of the partners are very slow. With this approach, it becomes possible to pay attention to each gesture and accept affection.

absent mother

A mother who is not present in her daughter’s life does not build a meaningful relationship with her. A daughter may perceive herself as an extra element that prevents her mother from living a full life.

Often such mothers have an active sex life, and the daughter for them is either an annoying duty or a “mistake” that broke their lives. They often explain their absence by the fact that the daughter is not what the mother would like. All this causes severe injuries. A child is haunted all his life by a feeling of longing, which can be felt by especially receptive friends and partners.

It is these mothers who bring up patients with severe mental disorders: borderline or bipolar disorder.

In sexuality, the daughters of absent mothers are often «absent» themselves. It is almost impossible for them to be in the moment «here and now», they float away to fictional worlds, reproduce plots of fictional stories.

There are a lot of contradictions in close relationships: it is difficult for them to build real intimacy, they often show their partner that they do not value them. The loss of relationships is more devastating for them than for others — in such a situation, cases of suicide are not uncommon.

Women develop most harmoniously, in whose life there was an alternative model of a woman: warm, loving, caring. It can be a grandmother, an older sister, a teacher at school. Through such contact, the girl manages to understand and accept femininity.

If this was not the case, it is necessary to rely on the structuring female image in adulthood. It can often be a kind and accepting female therapist.

Sexy mom

This is a selfish type of mother who is only interested in herself, strives to lead the most hedonistic lifestyle, leaving her daughter on the sidelines of her life. The girl sees her mother in the best outfits, with incredible make-up, seductive, coveted by men.

Motherhood for such a woman is a threat to her sexual power. The growing daughter frightens the mother, she can feel the competition and in every possible way try to stifle the femininity and attractiveness of her daughter. Therefore, the daughter will feel like an ugly woman, regardless of her real attractiveness — there is only room for one beauty in the family.

Subsequently, such a mother may encroach on her daughter’s suitors. Everything should revolve around her and, depending on the degree of pathology, she will use manipulations of various strengths so that the interests of all family members converge on her.

In a daughter’s sexuality, this image will be overwhelming. As if a sexy mother inspired her: “Only I have the right to enjoy! But not you! It will be difficult for a daughter to tread the path to pleasure in sex. Often there are difficulties in achieving orgasm: the feeling of one’s own unattractiveness makes the fact that a man chooses her something supernatural. Therefore, she is ready to sacrifice her pleasure for the sake of his desires and comfort.

To achieve harmony, daughters of sexy moms need to learn to accept their emotions. Learn to express anger and confront toxic mother images and other similar types of women.

frigid mother

This is the exact opposite of a sexy mom. The frigid mother spreads a dead cold around the topic of sensuality, condemning and humiliating any manifestations of sexual behavior in her environment.

Denying sexuality, flirting, falling in love, she teaches her daughter to see only base and unworthy in manifestations of sensuality. Incredibly harsh and «castrating» statements are often used.

This can especially manifest itself in the direction of men, whose lustful image will be opposed to true love and purity of soul.

Often, daughters at the time of teenage rebellion rebel against their mother’s attitudes, embarking on the most incredible extremes, allowing dangerous situations, and even reaching addictions. At the same time, their sexuality will remain «captive». The stronger the mother’s instilled attitude that it is unworthy, the more terrible will be the ways in which the daughter will try to break these shackles. But in most cases, these attempts are doomed to failure, they only tighten this knot more tightly.

For each of us, the most difficult job is to put the image of the mother aside, to stop acting contrary to or according to her morals. Find yourself and your essence outside the look and point of view of the mother. Finding your identity is important for every woman, but for the daughters of frigid mothers, this is the most important thing.

When a girl who has played in protest lays down her arms and sees herself for real, then we can talk about moving towards harmonious sexuality.

Pseudo-loving mother

This is a special kind of cruel, selfish and forbidding mother, who from the outside seems like the sweetest person. The life of her loved ones will be filled with longing and a suffocating feeling of lack of freedom.

The daughter will not be able to complain about such a mother, about this domestic terror. She will not find support in anyone and in the end she will only be convinced of her own worthlessness. Such a mother is the Gray Wolf from the fairy tale about Little Red Riding Hood, who is dressed in the outfit of a kind grandmother.

A distinct sense of «double bind» will be felt at every moment. “Yes, daughter, go for a walk with your friends. Who will be interested here with me, it’s okay, I’ll sit alone somehow, ”she says with trembling lips. It is absolutely impossible to choose the right behavior, because the mother will always find a way to stir up feelings of guilt. For her, this is the main tool for building relationships centered only on her alone.

Again, we are talking about the type of parenting that occurs in patients in psychiatric wards, or patients with severe eating disorders. Such women will say that the mother never spoke directly about feelings, but with the help of emotional blackmail forced her daughter to act against her will, but in the interests of the mother.

In sexuality, it will always seem to her that the partner is insincere with her. When he happily recalls last night, she will think that something is wrong here and that he must have hidden intentions. The path to becoming for such women often lies through religious or spiritual organizations, where they learn sincerity and acceptance.

From a psychological point of view, work with guilt and learning to interact with the world in all sorts of ways, without manipulating resentment and guilt, comes first.

mother hen

Another type of merging mother. She surrounds her daughter with care, practically making her a deity that the whole family worships. The desires of the daughter are the law, they are often not just fulfilled, but anticipated. Her successes are praised to the skies.

Often a mother may have low self-esteem, and she seeks to «heal» her not the most favorable childhood with the help of her daughter’s ideal childhood.

The main pitfalls of such upbringing are the low socialization of the daughter and the inability to cope with frustration. Gradually, depending on age, it is important for a child to experience situations where his desires are faced with external resistance. This is the basis for a stress-resistant healthy personality.

Without such a base, we meet an infantile adult woman, prone to over-dramatization of everything around. The sexuality of such a girl can be infantile, accompanied by certain outfits, theatrical poses and exaggerated emotions. Also, these women can constantly change partners, not achieving the entire palette of the desired qualities from one person.

Structuring will be the experience of a relationship with a man who can clearly build boundaries and show a companion that it is in her own interests. The experience of growing up, which should have happened a long time ago, will be very painful for the daughters of the mother hens. It will take a lot of love and faith in the best to get through this.

Mother accomplice

The image of an almost perfect mother. She has a harmonious relationship with her own sexuality. She doesn’t talk much about it, doesn’t share details and details. But if, as an adult, a daughter wonders about her mother’s sexuality, she will understand that her mother was happy.

Having no direct information, the daughter draws such conclusions on indirect grounds: remembering the intonations of her parents, when they obviously specified the time when she would return home from the party for a reason; by the radiance of their faces after a weekend at the rest home — it was definitely not only in the fresh air.

Such a mother shows a sufficient amount of tenderness for her daughter, she is benevolent and friendly, but still remains a mother, not asking for a girlfriend.

Growing up in such a framework is pleasant and reliable: unpleasant collisions with the outside world may not happen, but the daughter is convinced that no matter what happens, no matter what trouble she gets into, her mother will help and support, you can always talk to her.

At the time of the formation of sexuality, the mother-accomplice will do everything in time: she will buy the first bra, take her to a beautician during teenage rashes, discuss the issues of menstruation and hair removal, and strongly recommend harmonious outfits to her daughter. And at the same time, he will calmly accept the eccentricities of youth like strange haircuts and pink hair.

If the daughter asks, the mother will talk about sex, tell the most important things, without scaring her daughter, but also without pushing her into the arms of the first person she meets. Discovering the world for herself, making mistakes, the daughter will boldly go through life, because behind her is such a strong, but at the same time not pressing and demanding rear.

Each person has childhood grievances, they are of different strength and depth. Sometimes, when discussing childhood with clients, one can experience strong emotions about the behavior of their parents. However, in adulthood, we look wider and further and understand that no matter how complex the mother’s personality may be, this is due to her own childhood and the era in which she grew up.

Now each of us is an adult who is fully responsible for his life and happiness. You need to let go of childhood grievances, harmonize yourself in case of deep emotional trauma and be a completely different mother to your children.