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The husband does not want children: what to do
How to convince? And is it worth persuading?
Even if men dream of playing football out loud with their own son, most of them see it in the far, distant future, sometime in many years. Most women cannot imagine a full-fledged family without children. And let’s not forget about the biological clock: in fact, we do not have much time for childbirth. Why do men look so sour when it comes to a child?
In the modern world, there are many contradictions associated precisely with the father figure. How a man feels like a father is a very big challenge for him. And I must say that becoming and being a real dad is a serious mission. Therefore, the fear of fatherhood is now quite strongly developed in many for many reasons.
He’s afraid of radical change
Actually, the defining words here are “he is afraid.” And he has his own reasons. Perhaps he has just begun to enjoy life: behind school and university, work or business are just beginning to bring him their sweet fruits. Life is good when you are your own boss! You can go mountaineering, kayak all the surrounding rivers, you can go to GOA in winter and bypass all the discos there, for which you have enough strength. You can read, eat, sleep, hang out, make new acquaintances, enjoy communication, sex, finally.
A child in relation to all this is like a leaden cloud on a clear summer day. The day you bring a squeaky envelope with a bow from the hospital, your cheerful youth will end. Further – only boredom, only duties, only responsibility.
What to do: look for positive examples of parenting in your environment. There are also families who travel quietly and have fun with their children. And judging by the fact that new children appear in these families, they also have sex. And the sacred right of a man to communicate with friends (on hiking trips, baths on Saturdays, and so on) can be guaranteed even through a notarized document or clause in the marriage contract.
Material costs frighten him
The proverb about the bunny, to whom God will certainly send a lawn, does not at all call to sit back and wait for manna from heaven. Naturally, funds will be needed to educate a new person. It’s not too fun to plan for a child when you live in a rented apartment or on your parents’ living space and are interrupted by odd jobs. The little one needs his own corner, he needs a residence permit, he needs regular amounts for maintenance.
Nevertheless, even people without obvious material problems sometimes do not rush to parenthood. Is there too much money? Why do we need a child if because of him we cannot change the car every year?
What to do? Learn to count and plan. Literally write a business plan with a calculator in hand. Calculate “how much the child costs” and your monthly income, estimated amount of your child care benefit. Prove to your father-to-be that you are practical, do not hang in the clouds and are ready to tighten the strap if necessary.
He is afraid that you will change
The man does not want the airy fairy, with whom he is so good now, to turn into an anxious, overweight aunt with a dull look. And he would not have been afraid of this if he had not seen such examples in front of him. He also does not want to be deprived of your attention and care because of some noisy baby. End of romance? The end of beauty? An end to the joys of intimate life?
What to do? Seek and provide positive examples. On Instagram, for example, there are apparently invisible accounts of supermoms, which in terms of appearance will give odds to some childless.
He does not want children from you
Sometimes a woman, fascinated by her own illusions, takes wishful thinking. Maybe it only seems to you that you and your young man are serious and for life, but in fact you are just a passing option for him? And that is why he suppresses all your dreams out loud about your general continuation? Is there love between you? More precisely, does he have love for you?
What to do? Talk. It is necessary to talk with the person and listen to him carefully. It would be nice to listen when he talks about his plans for family life, about how he sees the mother of his children. And if the description doesn’t sound like you, you can ask a direct question: are we wasting our time staying together? If you don’t have a dream of being a single mother, don’t surprise this guy with a two-strip dough.
Let’s not deny: a small child is a source of not only affection and joy, but also dirt. He writes, stains diapers, spits vegetable puree, scatters toys, grabs everything with sticky fingers, draws with felt-tip pens on the wallpaper. It’s a little chaos. What if the dad-to-be hates mess? If everything is always on the shelves and nowhere is there a speck of dust? Or he just loves it when you put everything on the shelves and removed all the dust particles, he has the right, but why give birth to a creature that strives to disturb the comfort?
What to do? To remind the dad-to-be that nowadays it has become much easier to raise a child: disposable diapers are available, dishwashers, washing vacuum cleaners, wet wipes, and a lot of wonderful things. Look online for options for perfectly organized, well-structured children’s rooms. Prove your ability to quickly and effectively deal with clutter – how can such a neat child have a grubby child?
He had an unhappy childhood
The example of his own family plays a huge role in a man’s vision of his future fatherhood. If a boy grew up, seeing every day the dissatisfied faces of his parents, if discord reigned in his family and he was constantly made to understand that he was an unwanted burden for mom and dad, if he was constantly compared with others and not in his favor, it will be difficult for him later with such “baggage” to represent oneself as a happy family man. Why produce unhappy people, then God forbid to cope with your own problems …
What to do? Have patience. Learn to listen and empathize. Whatever your husband’s parents are, it’s not up to you to judge them. Become his “quiet haven”. Let him see that you are always glad to him, not inclined to criticize or compare him with someone. Perhaps you are his chance to finally create an ideal family, which he dreamed of in childhood, and give your children what he himself did not receive in childhood. If it is difficult, invite your husband to see a psychologist.
He is afraid that he will not be able to become a good father.
In order to truly want to become a parent, you need to mature psychologically and emotionally. You need to gain some experience, to see life in its various manifestations, to accumulate a personal baggage of knowledge, impressions, to reach such a moment of fulfillment when you are ready not only to take, but also to give. If a young man, even if he is married, is not eager to become a father, it means that he does not yet feel ready to become “the head of the pack”. This means that emotionally he is still a “child” himself, and children should not have children.
What to do? You are likely to help him achieve emotional adulthood. However, this should be done gently, in a feminine way, not allowing the ticking of the biological clock to drown out the voice of reason. Remember. That your man is also a living person, not a robot to fulfill your desires, not a living ATM and not a sperm donor. Do not push, do not demand. If you wish your child a good father, bring up that father yourself – gradually, patiently. Only you have been given to touch such strings in his soul that he himself will ask you to become the mother of his children.