The hurtful words of our children

It is worth asking us about the offensive phrases that we heard from our parents, and almost everyone will have something to remember – up to the word, because what hurts the soul remains in it for a long time, if not forever. However, not only adults can shoot poisonous arrows. Children and teenagers also say unpleasant things to their parents. And it doesn’t really matter whether it’s done intentionally or not – hearing the bitter truth (or half-truth) about yourself is not fun for anyone.

“Contrary to the proverb, it is not absolute, but only partial truth that speaks through their lips,” says psychotherapist Daria Krymova. – However, we perceive the “you are evil”, “you are bad” abandoned in our hearts as an objective characteristic of our personality. Our painful perception – irritation, bitterness, confusion – prevents us from noticing that in addition to aggression in children’s words there is also some important message, something that forced them to open their mouths and express that painful truth that worries us ourselves.

So, an adult who lives with a bleak feeling that he is nothing interesting of himself, sooner or later will hear how children confirm his sadness.

Every parent knows how powerful such a “simple” statement is: “you are old”, “you are fat”, “you are boring with you” … Children tell the truth, starting from real – at least for us – things. But not the whole truth – and besides, it is exaggerated, distorted, as if seen through a magnifying glass. There is an unpleasant feeling that we are being seen through by those in front of whom we would always like to look perfect.

“Our children know us better than we think,” continues Daria Krymova. “When they demonstrate this by destroying us with their remark, we take it hard and, unfortunately, we often succumb to the temptation to return aggression with aggression.”

Fat belly, small breasts, unfashionable clothes… They manage to find exactly those points where our complexes are hidden. And this is understandable: our children not only love us, but also study, feeling, in particular, what we would like to hide.

“According to our reaction, they test their intuition,” says child psychologist Irina Khomenko. “In addition, children want to make sure that parents are able to cope with the characteristics that they themselves may have inherited from them.”

Often, the rudeness and even cruelty with which the child speaks out about the parental appearance hides his desire to stop worrying about his own weight or facial features: “If mom is even proud that she is snub-nosed, I don’t have to worry either”; “If dad is not superman, but at the same time people like him and are generally pleased with himself, then everything will be fine with me.”

Behind their words, there may also be a rivalry with a parent of the same sex generated by the Oedipus complex: the child belittles his dignity in order to “pull” the attention of the other parent onto himself.

Tatyana recalls with a smile the words of her seven-year-old daughter: “Our teacher is so beautiful that if dad saw her, he would immediately marry her instead of you!” Just as openly want to eliminate the “competitor” boys aged 5-11, who, not without pleasure, point out the imperfections of their fathers.

“Pa, you have a belly just like Shrek!” throws eight-year-old Grisha. To which dad still finds the strength to answer: “Well, I don’t know, but mom likes me as it is!” And this phrase puts an end to the “oedipal provocation”.

Teenagers have even more scathing phrases on the subject of parental appearance at the ready. And they are even more offensive, because they are spoken with full knowledge of the matter. Today, children often target the desire of parents to “be young”, to be on a par with the young, and adolescents endure this with great difficulty.

“Their venomous remarks on this topic are both a protest against the violation of boundaries between generations and an exposure of parents who can encroach on the role of sexual rivals for children,” says Daria Krymova. – This is their call: “Look at your body: he is no longer 20; now it’s our turn to be young!”

It is important for a teenager to feel a distance from an adult, the absence of it is annoying. “I can wear a miniskirt, but my mother won’t tell me that it’s beautiful or, for example, indecent,” says 14-year-old Albina. “She only laments that this skirt will no longer fit on her!” There is already one step to an unflattering remark about my mother’s forms and manners of dressing.

Even if you are very hurt by the child’s remark, the worst thing you can do is to repay him in the same coin. “For a child, this can be a deep trauma,” Daria Krymova warns, “even if you spoke in a joking manner and did not want to harm him. To answer correctly, you need to hear the message of the child and find words and tone that will be appropriate for his age and the essence of his remark. It is necessary to answer in a calm, confident voice, benevolently, but not ingratiatingly.

“Once my eight-year-old son said: “If you studied at our school and the teacher heard you swear while driving, you would be kicked out right away,” says 39-year-old Natalya. – I thought: “Well done!” After all, we do not allow him to utter rude words. But at the same time, I couldn’t find what to answer him, I just laughed to change the subject. ”

Literally with a few words, children make us look at those educational mistakes that we, adults, inevitably make in everyday life. And often, surprised by their insight, we are embarrassed, not finding what to say in response.

Unjustified punishments and their unexpected cancellation; rules that are not followed by the one who himself established them; parental disagreements about parenting… This list of our usual “weaknesses” is far from complete. The child catches everything that has to do with him. And as soon as he sees a gap in the parenting system, he uses it in his own interests. But children put parents in an awkward position not only for their own benefit.

“Parental inconsistency creates a feeling of insecurity in the child,” explains Daria Krymova.

“In order to feel safe, children need to understand and anticipate the development of events, rely on firm rules and guidelines,” adds family therapist Katerina Khmelnitskaya. “That is why such words of theirs should never be left unanswered.

Parents should admit their mistake, but do not go over to self-flagellation. Excessive expressions of remorse can give the child an exaggerated sense of his authority. And he can not take the position of a judge. He must continue to consider parents as those who really know what is best for the child.

For example, a parent may admit: “There seems to be some truth in what you are saying, although you are still exaggerating” or “Yes, I probably rushed here a little …”

From our children, we invariably demand truthfulness, and when they are confronted with our own lies, they are outraged. Parental deception, says child psychologist Vladimir Leushev, “may be justified if its goal is to save the child, at least for a while, from too much shock. Much less right are parents who hide some key information for him, for example, about his own origin or about what will happen to him (change of school or place of residence, moving to his grandmother …).”

If the child convicts us of distorting the truth in everyday situations… it is better to overcome the feeling of awkwardness and admit that we probably did this out of laziness or fear. The idea of ​​such human weaknesses helps children learn that there are few things in our lives that are hopelessly black or spotlessly white.

“You can’t do this!”, “You yourself promised!” … Sometimes we ourselves act against the rules, we are impolite, we break promises. It is always very difficult to accept and endure reproaches in this. Especially parents: how you don’t want to be the one who sets a bad example for the child.

For driving into the oncoming lane, 48-year-old Alexander was deprived of his rights. What his 15-year-old son reminded him of in an icy tone, interrupting his father’s lecture about the inadmissibility of cheating on control tests. And 38-year-old Elmira had to listen to a real lecture from her seven-year-old daughter about how ugly to chat on the phone for half a day when the child was promised to take him to the zoo that morning.

“Children build their own personality and for this they test the strength of the “building material” – those life and moral values ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat are important to their parents,” explains Irina Khomenko. – Children want to understand how these foundations and rules “work” and why their parents violated them. If such a violation was a single one, they calm down, drawing a fair conclusion: nothing and no one in this world is perfect. If such incidents are repeated, they will need clarification about what, in fact, is happening.

So, 45-year-old Maria, in response to persistent accusations of selfishness from her teenage daughter, had to go to her for a serious conversation and explain why she sees her own mother, the girl’s grandmother, no more than once a year.

And 43-year-old Nikolai really realized how much his 14-year-old son did not trust him when he quoted him from the book “a list of the main symptoms of a paranoid patient” and concluded: “Most importantly, do not stop: you are on the right track!” “At first I answered him sharply that he was not talking to a friend, but a few days later I took him to a cafe, and we had an adult conversation, calmly, to find out what infuriates him so much in me.”

The hurtful words of children hurt us … and give us reason to think: what kind of our shortcomings are they talking about – real, supposed, exaggerated? “It is always very difficult to understand how fair our portrait, which is drawn by children, is Daria Krymova. – It is necessary to pay attention to several points: what is this caustic phrase – a reaction to some specific offense? Does she repeat? Do you feel that it is rather fair or, on the contrary, completely unfair? One thing is for sure: you need to take the time to think it over.”

Having cooled down a bit, we should let the child know that we heard him (“Yes, there is some justice in your words, now I understand what is bothering you”), and then call him to order (“Nevertheless, the way you you’re talking to me now, “it’s unacceptable, try to speak kindly”).

Finally, we should remember that attacks on parental habits and lifestyles, values ​​and shortcomings help children and adolescents gradually separate from us in order to eventually begin their own adult life.

“So the children find out what suits them from their parental baggage to integrate into their lives, and what they will refuse,” sums up the developmental psychologist Samira Pavlova. “And parents should always remember that children and adults are not antagonists or enemies, it is in their interests to get to know each other better.”

Offensive words from the lips of our “babies” just once again remind us how harsh, so saving truth: only parental love is blind. You can’t really say the same about children.